Wild and Precious

Eating Issues in the U.S.

2011-04-27T10:05:00.000-05:00

The First Lady and many others have taken on obesity in the U.S. as their cause. They all have good intentions but like every other issue in this country they are applying Band-Aids rather than addressing the issue within our society.

Yes, many people are obese and many (especially young girls) have the opposite issue, anorexia and bulimia. It goes WAY beyond what we put in our mouths or don’t. I have experienced all those issues.

That problem for me was a hole within myself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t OK just the way I was: an intelligent creative person. All magazines and TV said I needed a certain diet, make up, haircut, outfit to be worthy. In spite of myself, I managed to have a career, marry, raise children and now enjoy my “retirement”. I do though have many health issues, some related to the hole within myself because I stuffed/or denied food all those years.

I am not alone. I see it everywhere. Whether an overweight compulsive eater in line at McDonalds or an emaciated teenager at a local boutique or a “normal” looking forty something telling her five year old she can’t have an ice cream cone because she doesn’t want to be fat and ugly!

I have seen an acquaintance chastise her daughter at work parties over the years about food. She controlled everything this poor kid put in her mouth. “That’s enough potato salad for you!” or “No dessert for you!” I saw this poor girl go from a normal healthy 5-year-old to a 400 pound twenty something. I am not saying you should allow your kids free reign or constant candy and junk. I believe it is all about moderation in what is offered but most of all we as a society need to break the cycle.

I don’t have all the answers. Much in our society is broken with all the drug addiction, alcoholism, shopping, hoarding, gambling, sex addiction and of course eating issues.

Yes, we can do as many suggest. Get more exercise and eat healthy food but you have to make those things fun! Show kids cooking can be fun and playing games, sports etc is fun! (without the parental criticism)
But also allow children to say how they feel and validate it. Don’t tell them “No, you don’t or shouldn’t feel that way!” Allow them to take risks and have their own accomplishments. Self worth does not come from everyone telling a child how wonderful, beautiful, special they are! It comes from them feeling they can work to accomplish a task on their own! Giving them everything makes sit worse!!!! They feel “ My parents think I am worthless”

Band-Aids won’t fix this. Getting rid of McDonalds or candy bars won’t either. I hope we can get a clue. The U.S. seems to be the most outwardly focused country. What is on the inside? The spirit, the creative mind and soul. We need to focus on enriching those things rather than botox and hair dye. Until then, I’ll treasure all that that is beautiful in my life. Including the occasional softserve cone.

Living Your One Wild and Precious Life

2011-04-04T15:02:00.000-05:00

by Deb Walz

Mary Oliver's The Summer Day

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"

This poem has meant so much to me since I first read it. It has a life of it's own and has always rang true. I have it on my vision board and as I sat staring at my board, meditating, all the pictures and words whispered to me and it felt like I was seeing this poem for the first time.

I realized though that I have focused more on certain lines than others. The last line of course and the lines about what prayer is.

Today the lines "Tell me what else should I have done? and Doesn't everything die at last and too soon?" struck me like not only an arrow in my soul but also sung to me as a mourning dove call.

Since I became disabled, despite many months of "BEING", I still have felt my life isn't worth much unless I am accomplishing SOMETHING BIG, like writing a book, teaching a class, helping groups of people find their way etc.

What I saw today was living in the moment, loving others, loving myself and developing a relationship with God is ALL that's important! No other SUCCESS, ACCOMPLISHMENT or RECOGNITION is necessary for my Higher Power. So doing what I am doing, finding gratitude, love and joy in each day is enough.

Plus the line that everything dies, too soon ,cut into my soul. Of course: Every one whom we love who dies, dies too soon!!! And we all will die. and I believe be reunited with those who went before us.

Today I felt gratitude for a sunny day, for my cuddly goldens, for my husband, daughters and blessed glorious grandchildren, I felt love for all of them as well as myself and Joy that they are all in my life today. And that was enough.

Denial (it’s not a river in Egypt)

2010-07-09T10:47:00.002-05:00

There are many forms of denial. Such as : knowing in your gut your husband is having an affair but it’s not getting through to your head. Family, friends or yourself with a drinking /drug problem. Just that tiny question that blinks in your head like a neon light about your own or someone’s shopping, sex, eating (or whatever) addiction.

Denial is a coping mechanism our amazing brain has of protecting us from shocking facts in the real world that might just cause us to lose our minds. Really.
Such as the sudden death of a loved one. Our body gives us alittle time to adjust to the shock of an accident, death or horrible experience till we may be able to handle it. That is why it is one of the phases of grief. It serves a real purpose.

But sometimes denial can go on and on and on. We unconsciously or consciously encourage it to hang around after drinks and appetizers for dinner. And then even dessert. Because we just want to keep avoiding whatever is on the other side of the curtain, even though that neon light keeps getting brighter and brighter.

I have experienced denial several times in my life that I am aware of. There may be times I still have not realized denial was hanging around like a hungry dog or mistreated lost relation.

As a child my gut and intuition told me my father had a drinking problem. There were of course blatant signs. He embarrassed me when I had a slumber party in 6th grade by entertaining my friends with his jokes and antics. They thought he was hilarious, I knew he was drunk. He was drunk much of the time. But my mother was also in denial so when I asked her about a specific incident, she told me I had dreamed it! Eventually my mom’s denial broke and she got us all into treatment.

When my daughter died as an infant. I know the denial from the shock helped me cope and then I was able to work my way through the phases of grief.

But sometimes Denial over stays it’s welcome. And it becomes harmful to us. Such as the Battered Syndrome where someone’s life could be in danger and fear and denial may prevent the people from protecting themselves.

I was in denial about my own drinking problem. I thought because I didn’t drink like my dad (didn’t drink every day, didn’t have DT’s, didn’t hide my booze or even drink in my house or around my kids) that I couldn’t be an alcoholic. But slowly reality was presented to me like thin veils of silk being slowly pulled away. I saw that almost every time I drank, I got drunk. I drank for the effect, not socially like many people. I had a very high tolerance: it took many, many drinks to feel a buzz get drunk.

I have seen many levels and faces of denial in dealing with my chronic illnesses. It has been a long ongoing process and since they are all incurable but not terminal illnesses, this will be a process the rest of my life.

I don’t give up hope of remission and having relatively good health again. But at times that attitude can become denial and then I feel frustrated, sad, angry and down right irritating to be around! (Just ask my husband!)
Because I get angry that I am not able to hike, bike, run, shop in malls and large warehouse stores, garden and just plain do all the activities I used to do! I then either try to do things anyway and make myself sick attempting to accomplish just that or I get very depressed and lose hope.

It was recently pointed out to my by a friend who also deals with Fibromyalgia that I need to get assertive with others and myself about the realities of my illnesses. Some days I cannot do anything because I need to rest and take care of myself. I hate telling friends “No” for fear they will abandon me. Well, the truth is: if they abandon me, they weren’t very good friends to begin with.
And I need to find things I can do and that keep me connected with the outside world. Right now those things are to watch TV and movies and use the Internet which includes social networks like Facebook. I have been teased for how often I am on FB and it has hurt my feelings. Well, the truth is: those people don’t live my life. FB and other discussion boards I frequent are my connection to others. Very few of my friends actually come to my house to see me and visit. They are out doing their thing. So I need to metaphorically get off my butt and take care of myself. Because realistically I actually can’t get off my butt at times.

Some days I have less pain and can do some stretching, a little walking and usually have so much guilt about what isn’t getting done around the house that I use all my energy to clean the kitchen, vacuum, clean the bathroom etc. Even on good days, I can’t do laundry or shop in the giant grocery warehouses anymore. I broke down and bought a shower chair. I went to visit my daughter and tried not to feel guilty while I lay in my zero gravity chair and my daughters cooked and cleaned up after meals. What a gigantic leap for me!
So I am pulling away the denial blinders and saying to others and to myself what I can or can’t do that day or week. This breaking a denial barrier was so freeing to me once I let go of the guilt and shame I had associated with being disabled. It still worms its way back in but now that I am more aware I can push it on out.
I realize it is a journey and I have not given up hope that I will gain a level of good health again but as for now, I am out of denial and accepting and loving myself where I am right now!

Where I’m At Today

2010-06-10T17:31:00.002-05:00

No matter how much we know or have experienced it always is important to have positive supportive people in our lives.
Their input and positive feedback, even if it’s something we already know, is so helpful. Many times I know something but because I am in pain or stressed, I haven’t thought of it.

Recently I had been telling myself I was in a funk and really down on myself. Other friends had given me feedback but to be honest it was a somewhat negative experience. They were, like myself, implying I had been doing something wrong and needed to “shape up” so to speak.
I have always thought I wanted friends who would be honest with me. That is still true to an extent but I have learned that “their” honesty/truth may not be my truth so it may not feel right/or even be helpful or supportive. I see this now looking back to when I have been “honest” with friends. The way I see their experience may not be what they are feeling at all, because it is coming from my experience, not theirs.

My friend Beth, who is a life coach and a very nurturing soul, pointed out to me that I have been grieving many things. The loss of my father, family support and grieving the loss of all the activities I can not do right now while I am experiencing so much pain. I have been beating myself up over this, instead of, as she suggested, looking at it as a positive thing, a gift, time to take care of myself and heal. Even though I had done this exact thing a couple years ago when first diagnosed, I had forgotten. Since I had felt somewhat better last year, I had a different mindset.

I also had been feeling bad for not having any desire to write on my blog. I had been asking myself why I even started blogging to begin with. I had placed a bunch of expectations on myself about what my blog should be.

Since I have been reading many other women’s blogs, I had become very judgmental of my own. Mine isn’t interesting enough, not funny enough; I don’t have great photos or clever writing.
I also don’t get many comments where some blogs I read have hundreds of followers!

When I thought about why I had started blogging I realized I had done it with no expectations. I just wanted to write when I felt like writing, write whatever I wanted and about whatever I felt at the time. I actually didn’t care if anyone read it or not. Commented or not. So when did I set myself up with all these expectations?
I don’t have a business I am marketing, not selling a book or in fact, not selling anything.
Back then, I was feeling good about myself and just wanted to share or express the joy.
Maybe I can start feeling the joy again. The unbridled passion. I’d sure like to. I think I already may be : )

Taking Care of Ourselves

2010-05-27T09:15:00.000-05:00

May is not the time of year to be in a funk! (like any time of year works!) Having experienced a major fibro flare up and feeling too crappy to do much besides lie under my favorite blanket and watch TV, I fell into a sad state. Some other issues with my family of origin were also causing stress.I just kept trying to figure out what had caused the flare(was it the long use of prednizone this winter or the cold damp spring?) Although it does help to figure out triggers to avoid them later but right now it doesn't matter much what caused it but what am I going to do to feel better , especially emotionally and spirituallyNOW!
I was actually angry and in self pity because last year I felt so good in all three areas!! I was upset with myself that I had allowed health issues to get the better of me.
So I had a therapy session with ME! I made an action plan for all three areas of my life.
Emotional: I had begun reading Julia Cameron's book Vein of Gold last fall and had not followed through. I knew from reading The Artist's Way that when I do Julia's morning pages, artist's dates and other suggestions she has in her books, I steadily see a great improvement in my attitude and mood.As well as the renewed desire to create again!
SO my assignment is to read a few pages of Vein of Gold every day. The first day it lifted my mood!
Spiritual: Read my daily meditation books every morning and meditate at least ten minutes a day. I had gotten away from many of the daily things that help me not react to things others say and do. Like turning it over, letting go and saying The Serenity Prayer. They may sound simplistic but they work!
Making a daily gratitude list helps me in so many ways. It is so freeing and rewarding at the same time.
It makes me not take for granted and appreciate each birdsong or flower in my garden, my grandsons' smiles/giggles and my goldens unconditional love.
Physical: I have read that exercise helps fibromyalgia. This is hard to take in when you are feeling horrible pain just walking from the kitchen to the bathroom! Or even just lying in bed! But I know the key is to go slowly! So every day I am going to do some stretching /weights work towards getting back to my water exercise class. If I have a particularly trying day such as getting groceries (walking around a large super market is particularly painful. Every step is jarring.) then I take it easy and do stretches from a chair or lying down. I am being very patient with myself in this area.I am continuing to eat healthy foods and focus on moderation.

Plus getting back to practicing what I preach. Nurturing myself. I have been doing nurturing activities but I was doing them mindlessly, unconsciously. So back to basics. Being HERE in my life. Focusing on each activity, each moment. Then , and only then, am I being truly present. Authentically living in the moment.
I'll keep you posted. and please let me know how you are taking care of your SELF .

Equal Billing

2010-05-14T09:28:00.000-05:00

For over thirty years I have seen my husband as some kind of Superman. I know he’s not perfect (believe me, I live with the man! LOL!) but he has always seemed somehow invincible. He is very confident, knowledgeable and always willing to find out how to do something if he didn’t know before hand. He is a hard worker, strong physically as well as emotionally and his values are to always be there for his family.
On the other hand, I have been less confident. If I know something well and feel comfortable in that knowledge, I am OK. But if it is something where I carry any doubt, my history has been to give up, feel like a failure, allow someone else to do it. My husband has always been supportive of me and very patient in encouraging me to take risks, be patient with myself and not be afraid to make mistakes while learning.
I believe we are both of pretty equal intelligence but my conditioning from childhood (I witnessed my mom do this my entire life) was to give my husband the lead. We always have made decisions together but I saw myself over the years giving way to his opinion many times, not trusting my own judgement, unless it was an area of my expertise (like parenting or counseling).

I find this interesting since I also had my father on a pedestal as a child, even though he let me down many times. Looking back I wanted my father to rescue me from my abusive mother but because he was a practicing alcoholic, he was unable or unwilling to do that. When I got older, I was able to accept my father as a human being with faults. But I thought I had learned never to depend on a man, or to stop looking for Prince Charming to rescue or take care of me.
I guess I had the Cinderella Complex (I think this is from the seventies!) and even though on the outside I projected a confident wife, mother and career woman, inside I always doubted being good enough, smart enough, etc.

Unlike my father, my husband also lived up to my expectations of him. His decisions were practical, logical and proved sound and right almost one hundred percent of the time. He projects an all together strong persona even though he is also a person willing to share feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, he’s a true renaissance man!

That was until my husband suffered a heart attack at age fifty-two four years ago. He had surgery and has recovered fully but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact my husband is human and as vulnerable as any of us.
And because we are approaching sixty (!) I am much more aware of our mortality. Days when he comes home from work and is more tired and sore than he used to be brings that home even more to me.
But in many ways this has been good for me/us. I now see us more as equal. I no longer feel like the weak link in our coupledom. We both have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are partners, in this together. I trust my insight and opinions more and I know he appreciates (at least most of the time) not feeling he is carrying a majority of the load. Now that our children are adults with families of their own, I see my husband and I more as both independent, strong (mentally and emotionally) individuals as well as balanced united partners for the rest of our lives. It’s a joyful freedom I now embrace.

Mother’s Day 2010

2010-05-05T10:55:00.001-05:00

This Sunday will be my thirty - sixth Mother’s Day (I am counting being pregnant)! I can’t believe it.. time passed so quickly. Each has been memorable and special in it’s own way but I have always been so grateful to be a mother to my four beautiful daughters.
I am grateful for (Very difficult limiting it to 10):

1) Giving birth to four gorgeous girls. Each birth and child so unique and perfect.
2) The exquisite joy of breastfeeding. Nothing equals that bond /sense of total unconditional love when they gaze adoringly up into your eyes.
3) Even though we only experienced Lindsey here on Earth for a short time, I cherish every moment and so grateful that we took photographs. It’s all we have till we see her again.
4) That in spite of all my inadequacies, my daughters thrived and today are strong healthy women in every way.
5) The days of seemingly endless activity. Ballet lessons, basketball, soccer, baseball games, cheerleading practice, so many clubs I can’t remember, Brownies, 4H, playdates, birthday and slumber parties, school plays, concerts, awards programs & dinners, parent conferences and much more I’ve probably forgotten. Cherish these days.. they are gone too soon.
6) Family vacations in Colorado. Hikes at Bear Lake, playing cards and board games in cabins at the Y with NO TV, wading in cold mountain streams, jeeping it on narrow muddy cliff sides by Ouray (me screaming my head off and gripping the seat while the others laughed at me!) family dinners at fabulous restaurants, and sleeping in rest areas in a packed mini van (three kids and two golden retrievers) camping by Long’s Peak. So many memories to even list or count!
7) Family time watching Husker football and the girls and I enjoying our favorite movies (When Harry met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, While You were Sleeping to name a few, there are hundreds!)
8) Watching my daughter walk down the aisle (doing the ugly cry) and walking my daughter down the aisle (trying to stifle the ugly cry) And someday soon, watching my husband walk his Daddy’s girl down the aisle.
9) Being present at the birth of my daughters’ first children and the privilege of caring for the elder grandchildren when the younger ones were born.
10) Hearing my grandsons say “I Love You Grandma”!!!!!

I love you all so much Casey, Erin, Sam and Lindsey! I am so proud and grateful to be your Mom.

Going Backward with Body Image

2010-04-26T08:57:00.002-05:00

Having recently watched part of Jean Kilbourne’s new video on Brene’ Brown’s blog and you tube, it appalls and saddens me that our society is going backwards when it comes to girls/women body image issues and the media.

Forty years ago I had these same issues as a sixteen-year-old. I thought I was fat, ugly and needed lots of dieting, make-up and help from Seventeen magazine to be attractive. I developed eating disorders and alcoholism in order to cope (among other reasons) as thousands of girls have through out the past decades.
Looking back at photos of myself, I realized years later that I was beautiful and wonderful just the way I was! And I couldn’t see it! I wasted years of my precious life focused on the scale! Think how many thousands of women in our culture have done this! Wasted years, obsessed with diets and looks!

It seems it is just a vicious cycle with the media attention now focused on obesity/junk food epidemic. Yes, many in our society have eating disorders on the other side of the spectrum. But dieting is NOT the answer!
Obsession with our bodies is not the answer!!!! Diet businesses (Jenny, Nutrisystem, and Weight Watchers among a few) are making millions off our obsession with body image and weight. The problem is it doesn’t work! Most people who diet gain the weight back! (Think Kirsty Alley) The problem is in our HEADS and HEARTS!
The answer is in loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. We are enough. The focus needs to be on WHOM we are INSIDE, rather than OUTSIDE! Geneen Roth has been writing about this for years. Her new book, Women, Food and God makes the point that our issues are spiritual as well as emotional rather than just physical. When you start focusing on the inside needs and wants, the weight comes off. You may not look like Keira Knightley but you will be the ideal weight for YOU!

As far as the media, as long as we as a culture continues to give the media power over our minds, they of course will run with it. The author Mary Pipher coined the phrase Lookism about thirty years ago in her book Hunger Pains. It is about the fanaticism with looks. Buying fashion magazines, dieting, checking the mirror/scales constantly is feeding the crazy machine. I know ads pay for magazines but I am disappointed to see all the ads that promote Lookism in Oprah’s magazine O. You’d think if anyone understood the media/weight/body image issue it would be Oprah!!!!

Please increase your awareness. Watch Jean Kilbourne’s videos on You tube, read books like Geneen Roth’s and Brene’ Brown’s. Think about whom you are on the inside, not about what size you wear or what skin cream you need to use to look twenty at fifty. We need to change the track on the media/culture’s obsession with looks. We are not who the media says we are! Please, help our daughters! We are SO much more and WE ARE ENOUGH!!!!

The Two Lives We Live

2010-04-19T08:30:00.002-05:00

I just read a wonderful first novel by a great new writer (Losing Charlotte by Heather Clay) that triggered so many thoughts and feelings for me. It was about a family whose grown daughter died in childbirth. The family related to their daughter/sister as she had been as a child. While the husband of the dead woman, knew her as the adult woman/mother to be she had become and been. And of course those two people (in one body) were both so different and yet the same. As we all are. Hopefully we are a composite blend of all the stages (childhood, adolescence and adult) as we have grown to the adults we are today. And continue to grow and change our entire lives.

It triggers thoughts about my own family of origin. How my father has tried to keep my self and my sisters dependent on him and his wisdom, yet also has seemed derogatory of us if we took advantage of what he offered or if we didn’t. It has always been a no win situation. And more about him and his needs than ours. He has always resented our husbands and in some ways our children. He has continued to demand his place as NO.1 in our lives. And it makes me wonder if I seem that way to my grown children.

No one will ever understand (if they even do then) until they have children of their own and feel that bone deep need to love and protect this tiny being they have created. That feeling never goes away, even when your own children become parents themselves.
And they (the children) won’t understand THAT feeling until they become grandparents or even just parents of adult children who no longer need you because they now have their own family or spouse, who of course moves ahead in line of priority of you.
It is as it should be, as you know in your head that you have always been moving/growing toward this day. Raising your child to be a person of independence, love and integrity who can go out into the world and be whole. But as you are moving through every day of your life, loving them, nurturing them, they are growing away from you. You go from being the most important person in their lives to way down the priority list, though they always remain Number One with you. Which is as it is meant to be as time moves us on.
Life is all about growing, changing, and evolving. Giving, letting go.

Even as we know our child as an adult, part of us still holds on to the person they were as an infant, a toddler, a shy grade schooler, wild teen etc. We may love them, think we know them still, but we don’t know the person they are with their spouse on a daily basis, the parent they are to their child in every minute of every day, the friend they are. And that their priority is now their new family. The family they have created apart from you, their parent.

I remember vividly my first taste of this change. We had taken our newly married daughter and her fresh faced husband to the airport the day after their wedding where they would fly away across the ocean on their honeymoon. They were grateful to us for all we had done and hugged and kissed us goodbye. But as I wiped away my tears I watched my beautiful daughter who was now a wife, grab her husband’s hand, gaze happily into his eyes and gallop down the ramp excitedly, leaving us far behind, as in a time warp, in the past and out of mind.

This issue has so many facets I can’t begin to discuss them all here. It was just so obvious in this most beautifully written novel how parents of adults see their children in such a different light/reality so often from whom those now adults really are. It is always tinged by our view of them as children somewhat.
Now that all my children have spouses and some children and as proud as I am of them and what amazing parents/adults they have become, there is a small grief that only parents have known. When you know you would still lay down your life for your child and of course they would do the same for their own child. You as the parent have completed your job, for they have let go of you and moved on. You are no longer their first thought, their priority and that is as it should be. But so bitter sweet.
Which is why I have dogs who never grow up and happily lap up my entire extra love and attention!

Breastfeeding: The Pros and Cons (and get this: there are no cons.)

2010-04-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

This is a topic I feel so strongly about and SO important, I can’t zip my lip any longer. The zipper has popped! It is too important to our children.
And in this new health care/healthy-eating climate, it should be the NO.1 Topic on any health expert’s tongue! With Jamie Oliver/Michelle Obama and how many others worrying about childhood obesity/diabetes, let’s start at the beginning! Way before McDonalds, school lunches and Pepsi.

Mothers who take offense to us pro breastfeeding gals, saying we are trying to make them feel guilty, imply they are bad mothers etc, Not true and I disagree strongly! I have never met any nursing mom who has said any such thing. We want all babies to have a healthy start! BUT I think it is just as important to put as much concern into what is nourishing your baby’s brain/body as to what kind of car seat, stroller, clothes he/she wears.

First: I think most of us know the pros. It has been proven to be the best food for your infant hands down. Anyone who says formula is equal is sadly deluded. The facts speak for themselves. Even formula companies admit it!

Antibodies, perfect temp, perfect container, designed by God herself!
Also hundreds of pros for mom and so convenient! Always available, no fuss, no mess.
If you don’t know the pros: google it!

And the bonding. Don’t get me started. There is no greater feeling in the world than when your infant is cuddled in your arms, oxytocin and prolactin flowing and your child holds your finger and looks up into your eyes as they suckle. If you haven’t experienced it, yes, you have no idea what you are missing!
Now I agree we need more education, more support, more educators and
more funding!!! I do not put down moms who didn’t have enough milk, had poor latch, sore nipples and hundreds of other issues that can happen when attempting to breast feed with or without support.

Yes, even though it should be the most natural act in the world, it isn’t in our fast paced, overworked, keep up with the Jones’s society.

I do have an issue with moms who aren’t willing to put their child’s health first. Not sorry either. Mom’s who don’t want their breasts to sag (guess what: it was the pregnancy anyway but even if it wasn’t: what is more important really?) Or think it is easier to mix up a bottle rather than sit down and nurse their beautiful baby? And as for the moms who “say” they are breastfeeding when they are pumping/bottling? I understand working moms have to pump and send a bottle of breastmilk to daycare. My own daughters do it. God bless them for pumping in some of the most unbelievable circumstances. That is a whole other blog. Breastfeeding or pumping in a bathroom stall is INSANE!!!!!! Would you eat YOUR lunch in a stall?
But pump all the time? No breast to skin contact? That is sad for both mother and child. Sorry but true.
There are a ton of other excuses I have heard that were totally sad. (like Dad wanted his time. Are you kidding me? Give the kid a bath, Dad. Rock the baby, change the baby, or when baby gets older, feed solids or even a bottle with breastmilk if necessary)

Also lack of sleep from getting up at night to feed baby. This blows me away. Thinking it is easier to get up and make a bottle. Yeah, right. You still have to sit up in a chair to feed the bottle.

Oh yeah: formula fed babies sleep longer!!! That’s because their stomachs are full of lead that takes many hours to digest (or not digest) where as breast milk, which is perfect for baby, digests quickly as God designed it. So they are hungry more often. My answer was to take baby into bed with me, nurse and go back to sleep. For parents afraid of overlying their babies (this really only happens with drugged parents) there are now many cosleeping apparatus on the market to keep baby close and safe.
And as far as it hurting. OK, sometimes it might hurt. Especially at first when your breasts are tender, you are sore from childbirth and sleep deprived, emotional from postpartum hormones, that’s when Moms need the support!
I have been there: sore nipples, cracked nipples that bled, mastitis, baby on nursing strike, etc. But this passes. I don’t remember when I first felt that inexplicable bliss but it wiped out every possible negative con I could come up with. The sad part is many moms don’t make it to the bliss. : (
They give up. And then they get defensive and some become anti breastfeeding and anti breastfeeding supporters/advocates.

I know I was lucky or just so damned stubborn nothing was going to stop me. I knew in my gut/heart that breastfeeding was best and that was what my kids were going to get. Yes, I had problems. It wasn’t perfect by far. But it was wonderful, rewarding; the bonding with my daughters was the most beautiful experience I have ever had. (and yes I do have a good relationship with my husband and am psychologically balanced.) And just as rewarding to me is two of those daughters have breastfed their children (five boys so far). I still have one daughter who even though not married yet, intends to breastfeed her someday babies. She has witnessed the magic. : )

I experienced the death of my daughter Lindsey, (our youngest) whom I never got to nurse. She was a preemie (placenta previa) and in the neonatal unit. I began pumping colostrum but she died of a brain hemorrhage at two days old before she could try nursing. I had been forced to wean my then two-year-old daughter due to the hemorrhaging of that pregnancy. It was difficult on everyone. But it was a healing/rebonding experience when I came home from the hospital to a traumatized two year old (six week separation from mom) we sat down in the rocker and nursed. Healing for both. Today she is a healthy independent twenty seven-year-old.

OK, I am ready for the agree to disagree pact I have made with my friends. Many of my friends did not breastfeed their children. Whether it was for lack of knowledge, support, a bad past history/experience etc. It is definitely a HOT Button Topic. Almost as bad as politics or abortion.

I have avoided blogging about till now. I have written some blogs and FB comments that have ruffled some feathers but nothing like when it comes to this topic, I am sure. I can’t believe that in the year 2010, this is still an issue! It makes me angry!!! I breastfed in the 70’s and 80’s. (My mom did not breastfeed but was very supportive of me doing it) When the only support was Le Leche’ League. (Yes, us fanatics.) Now days there are lactation consultants in hospitals, midwives, and breastfeeding centers (I worked at one of the first for four years!)

This is a very important subject to me. I believe in it as strongly as I believe alcoholism is a disease, my dogs are part of my family and we are each responsible for ourselves and can’t control anyone else.

I am sorry if you disagree but to be blunt, it’s a fact.

Making It Through Cycles and Coming Out Brighter on the Other Side

2010-04-05T09:22:00.002-05:00

Having been ill with a virus and then pneumonia for the past month, I have struggled to keep my spirits up and not get buried under my low energy and lack of oxygen! As much as I have unending gratitude for the blessings in my life, day after day of feeling like crap can zap me and then I cycle into self recriminations /judging myself and how dare I feel anger, self pity or just low energy.

I seemed to have more Joy and creativity during the gray cold days of Winter than I do now as Spring is bursting open! I assume that is part of the reason for my slight depression. Just when I want to mulch, compost, garden and spring clean, I am congested and even the slightest bit of dust sets me into a round of coughing and wheezing!

Just before I became ill, I was reading Julia Cameron’s Veins of Gold (which I have had forever and never got around to reading!)
I had gained so much a few years ago from rereading The Artist’s Way and felt the need to stir my creativity/ spirit in those cold days of winter.
Well, becoming ill put an end to reading or anything creative. All I could seem to manage was sleep, cough, gag, sneeze, blow and maybe watch a movie when my head wasn’t throbbing. And just as I was so proud that I recovered from the virus /infection without an antibiotic (which seem to wreak havoc with me) I developed the pneumonia. UGH. So I convinced my physician that I still didn’t need an antibiotic but prednizone for my asthma which I knew was responsible for clasping down on my inflamed lungs and bronchial tubes! She made me promise to contact her immediately at the first sign of fever/infection. And now as I cough less and come to the last three days of steroids, I am manifesting healing lungs and fresh energy, just as the world is growing green and the sun moves farther north!

It is interesting to me that a wave of anger triggered my new burst of energy and creativity. I awoke to words and poems tumbling around in my head. I wrote and wrote, including some amends letters I have put off writing for months. I feel refreshed and ready to begin anew to nurture myself physically, emotionally, spiritually and creatively! I plan to sit in the sun today, reading Veins of Gold, listening to native drum music, soaking up birdsong and the fresh breeze. I am manifesting not only healing but forgiving myself for my human failings of not always being grateful or joyful. And hoping the eternal cycle of the seasons returns my Joy and Gratitude on the wind.

High/Low

2010-03-30T16:58:00.002-05:00

In the movie The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer, they play a married couple with two kids who every evening around the dinner table do “High /Low” with their kids. What was the High of their day and what was the low? I really wish not only would my parents have done this at our dinner table but that my husband and I would have asked our kids this question every night around the meatloaf and green beans. We asked, “How was your day?” Well you can imagine the usual answer we got to that! “OK” ! And when we went for specifics usually got an “I don’t know”. Luckily our kids grew up to be healthy responsible adults in spite of us!

So today I ask myself “ What was your high? And what was your low? Most days I don’t even really have a low!!! How lucky am I?

Today I had many highs! It was a beautiful 78 degrees and sunny. I spent time with good friends, went shopping for yummy food to enchant my grandsons when they come to lunch tomorrow, ordered dog safety restraints (again) for my two golden retrievers and listened to the Irish Tenors sing Leonard Cohen’s glorious “Hallelujah” What an amazing day!!!

My only low was that I had to go to the doctor to get a script of steroids for my asthma that has been acting up. But it’s actually a high that I have such an amazing doctor and was able to get in on short notice!

Every morning I make a short gratitude list (with different things from the day before) and every night do High/Low. It puts my life in very clear perspective! What’s your High/Low?

Love and Acceptance

2010-03-26T08:21:00.001-05:00

This has been a week of political differences, some cheering, some angry, some sticking their heads in the sand. I have heard many opinions, on TV, from friends in person and on Facebook.

I usually try to avoid butting heads with my friends over politics.
It’s difficult in these hard times not to be emotional and I have friends of all persuasions. They have reasons for believing as they do and so do I. I don’t like conflict and try to avoid it but when it is something I feel very strongly about, I will take a stand.

My husband and I have political differences. He is strongly conservative and I am more moderate. We have been together over thirty years and have changed in our thinking since we were twenty-five. Which is natural if people learn, grow, and think.
On many things we agree and if we don’t, I prefer to just agree to disagree. As long as our basic beliefs and values are the same, we are fine. I also feel somewhat the same way about my friends. I don’t feel as strongly about sharing all the basic beliefs and values with a friend but do expect mutual respect, loyalty and love.
With Facebook, it is different. Many of my Facebook friends I have never met in person. I have become friends with those individuals on line because we share some mutual interest. So we don’t have a background of the above requirements for friendship.
But I do have some standards for those “friendships”. I still want to be treated with respect. I guess I call it FB tact. It’s OK to disagree respectfully. Your page is YOUR place to tout your opinions so please don’t dirty MY page with your snarky /rude comments. I have the right to state my opinions about politics, personal issues of which I believe strongly and comment about my life as do you on your page. If I do state an opinion on another’s page, I try to be respectful. I have to admit I have failed a couple times when emotions (mostly hurt feelings ) got the better of me.
If “friends” cross this line too many times, I have reached the point where I either hid or even defriended them. Sometimes it just isn’t worth the energy it takes to remain FB friends.

We always have to weigh things in life. Is the friendship worth balancing the disagreements? Is there love and respect in the relationship even if we disagree about many things? And are the things we disagree about very important values of mine where I have to take a stand?
An example might be: if my husband all of a sudden thought extramarital affairs were something he now believed in. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Or if a friend really hated dogs and constantly made comments to me about how could I stand having a dog etc. Being mean to my dogs would be a no brainer. THAT would also be a deal breaker for me.
Every person has to set their boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t in a relationship. It can be painful. It is difficult.

And most of the time if you are wise, you have chosen friends who respect you as you respect them. If not, you may need to hit “unfriend”.

Nobody’s Perfect : Trust Your Gut

2010-03-15T17:13:00.000-05:00

I have had black and white thinking (all or nothing) my entire life and I come from a long history of black and white thinkers (alcoholics most). But in the thirty years I have been in recovery from alcoholism /drug addiction I have also worked hard to straighten out my thinking.
Because the drinking is just a symptom of how messed up my thinking can get! I tend to react strongly to what normal people would think are small issues. I tend to think I am unique (hence NO.1). I also tend to find someone /something I love, be it an author, a movie, a dessert and go whole hog crazy over it! I have been known to find a sudden fancy for a food (like quesadillas) and want to have it every night for weeks. (Well, maybe not EVERY night but at least every Friday night!) Then I get tired of it and go on to something else. Thank God my husband is a patient man who loves me dearly.

When I do this with people, I am so thrilled by what they have to say, or write or create that I begin to think in a very deluded way that they are super human, perfect, have it all together. And I don’t even realize I am doing it!

Because I know TRULY that no human being is perfect. But sometimes if someone writes a book I really relate to strongly, I want to think they have all the answers.

I recently had this experience with an author I have liked for years. Geneen Roth has written many books about compulsive eating (all of which I own) and how to heal yourself and be able to eat normally. She currently has a new book out and I was reading her blog. Now I have to say, Geneen has always been incredibly real, open and honest about herself and her humanness. It was ME who put her on some kind of pedestal. When she admitted in an article for Salon and the Huffington Post that she lost her life savings to Bernie Madoff, I felt sorry for her. Then she said she had never paid off her house because in
her own words: “Why didn’t I pay my mortgage off? And if I don’t engage in blame, I see the answer clearly: because I believed in something else more. I believed in accumulating. And when you believe in accumulating, you see what you don’t have, not what you do. You lose touch with what you value more than money.”

I have to admit, I felt disappointed. I felt disappointed in someone I have never met because I had told myself that Geneen knew it all. And she doesn’t. She is human. I am human. We all are. In fact, she was extremely honest and humble, writing about the fact that she hadn’t paid off her mortgage.

Yes, we can learn from mistakes and figure out what’s really important in life but most of the time it takes our entire life to do it. Sometimes I know more and have more life experience than the person whose book I am reading! I may not know everything. But I do know a lot and I don’t always give myself credit for that. I am not saying this to put Geneen or any other author down. I am saying I don’t appreciate my own knowledge and life experiences enough.
And I am sure that is true of many of us. Because otherwise there wouldn’t be so many GURUS running around! Food, diet, exercise, life coach gurus etc who tell all of us so much stuff we already know!!! If we would just trust our guts and listen to our intuition! But we have been taught in our society not to trust our intuition. Maybe Geneen even had a little voice in her gut telling her to pay off her house!

A Week of Worthiness

2010-03-10T07:22:00.000-06:00

Brene’ Brown over at her blog Ordinary Courage has asked her readers and fellow bloggers to write about Worthiness this week.

I already wrote about Living in the Moment this week but the two actually kind of go together. Because I believe if we are truly living in the moment then we must be being authentic and therefore be fully into our worthiness. There isn’t time to put up a front if we are in the moment. There is no time to put on our clever or the phony face we think others want to see, like or accept.

I am most into feeling worthy when I am around the people I know love and accept me for who I am.
I fall into unworthiness when I feel I am being judged, misunderstood, not accepted or not OK just being who I am.

I get the unworthiness feeling when people judge me or other people on their grammar. So what if I mistyped and wrote their instead of there. Or lie instead of lay or viceversa. There are groups of people on Facebook who actually judge people for this! I have a college education. I am fifty six years old with fibrofog and occasionally mistep with my grammar, type too fast without my brain catching up and even just don’t give a damn if it is lie or lay!!!

I feel unworthy when someone puts down my idea or opinion. I know in my head this has nothing to do with my worthiness but my child inside /gut feeling is UNWORTHY!

I lead workshops on nurturing ourselves. Because women tend to be the nurturers of others and forget themselves or put themselves last on the list and never get there. To nurture yourself means to hold yourself in loving arms and say “I am worthy of love and care”

This week let us all feel our worthiness. Take time to tell yourself and do things to nurture that worthiness in yourself and those you love. You are OK no matter what your job, your hairstyle, your opinions or whatever! We are OK as we are. We are enough.

Living In The Moment

2010-03-08T18:52:00.003-06:00

I was thinking last night about writing this week’s blog on Living in the Moment. I had some specific examples and should have written them down because now I have forgotten what they were! See if I was living in the moment, I’d have grabbed a pen right then and there!

I do know that when I was young, I really didn’t live in the moment. I was always waiting for the next thing. Hoping, dreaming in suspended animation. Waiting for when I’d be old enough to date, old enough to drive, go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. and my biggest one = when I lose weight. No matter how much I weighed, I was never thin enough. Looking back, I WAS THIN!!!! But due to my total distorted body image I couldn’t see it. I actually rarely agreed to have my photo taken due to thinking I was fat! Today I am somewhat overweight but now I focus on the moment, not “when ”.
When I did have kids, I wanted to treasure each moment but I also thought about when they would crawl, when they’d walk, feed themselves, talk, etc.
Now my daughters are grown with their own families. Today I do live in the moment with them and my grandchildren, cherishing each second, each smile, kiss, hug and word.
Maybe age has something to do with us learning to live in the moment and absorb life going on around us. Spiders only live a few weeks. I am sure they don’t worry about “when I get this web done”. Dogs live such short life spans compared to humans. Just watch your dog and you will see how they take each moment as it comes. They find so much enjoyment in their treats and food. Totally adore a kind word or stroking of their head. My boys radiate joy when they retrieve over and over again.
My mother died four years ago of a brain aneurysm. I had lunch with her on Thursday and she fell unconscious Friday evening and died on Monday. I am so grateful that we had left nothing unsaid. She knew I loved her and I knew she loved me. Because we told each other all the time.
I have tried to express my feelings and gratitude in the moment for all those close to me. I want no regrets.
Living in the moment leaves no room for worry or regret. When you take care of things as they happen, be it sharing your gratitude or making amends, you will live life to the fullest.
Most of all, living in the moment enables us to enjoy each and every second of this amazing life of which God has blessed us. Every sunny day, every butterfly, snowflake, hawk, rainbow, child’s giggle or kiss from a loved one. Cherish each second.

Please Spring COME!!!!

2010-02-28T17:35:00.003-06:00

I know we ALL are longing desperately for signs of SPRING. (it's twenty days away!) This has been a LONG COLD winter with more snow than we would have ever imagined. (Staying Positive that snow is over and GREEN is on it's way!) I saw a group of robins near the street on Friday , narrowly missing some that flew in front of my car. The temp is still below normal in our area but at least it's above freezing which feels like a heat wave. The warmer weather triggers Spring Fever after so many weeks of cabin fever!
Last spring my husband finally removed our old jacuzzi from the deck which had been nonfunctioning for several years. I am hoping we can rebuild our deck this spring so we have more room to entertain guests or just to have family dinners. Since I am unable to do the work myself, I am staying positive that my husband and sons in law may get it accomplished!
My garden right now is still covered in snow (and underneath the snow : dog poop) and will require some work to bring it back to it's former beauty. Hopefully the snow was a good insulator and protected my roses from the cold temps. We didn't have any freeze/thaw/freeze action this year which was actually a life savor for all my plants.
Here's to green, splashes of pastels and sun!!!!
The photos below are of my garden in spring!

Will I Ever Learn? Following My Own Advice.

2010-02-21T13:51:00.004-06:00

Just when I think I finally have some wisdom or have an issue resolved, it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass!

I spent most of the last two years, just being. I was too sick to do anything else. I had always been about action. I had to always be DOING something whether it was creating, working, planning, controlling or just busy work! But two years ago, I couldn’t. I was physically shot. Oh, I would try mentally to plan, manipulate ( I admit it now but didn’t see it then) control myself and others, and attempt to figure out where I was going in my life and what I need ed to do to get there. But I was hitting the brick wall. That wall named PAIN. I talked to everyone I knew about it. My good friend finally said “Why don’t you give yourself permission to just BE and HEAL”

So because I couldn’t physically do anything else, I let go of my mind and spirit or in better terms, turned it ALL over to my Higher Power. I still read, meditated, talked with friends but the ACTION that had always kept me occupied and vibrating, was gone.

I was able to feel peace. Serenity. Contentment. It was amazing and wonderful. I created a vision board and every single dream on it manifested and came true. (Most of it was spiritual)

So I have been feeling somewhat better physically, a whole lot better emotionally and spiritually and I think I can may be able to DO a few things. I joined a program to help women find their authentic selves. I attended some workshops on The Feminine Soul and Awakening The Muse. I have been getting regular massages, eating well and beginning some baby steps back to yoga and quigong. I decided I could present a workshop on Nurturing Your Spirit. It was magnificent! Nineteen women came and shared themselves and their fears and hopefully learned some ways to better care for themselves.

But I must not have learned much myself. I spent the next two days in bed because I was totally exhausted and hurting. (I have fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome, both of which are very painful)

I began talking with others about more groups, workshops, renewing my counseling license (which would require forty hours of workshops ) and then SMACK! God and my husband both hit me figuratively upside the head! I realized I was back on the rollercoaster in my mind and ACTION was taking over, which had landed me in bed to begin with two years ago. DUH!!!! Do I ever learn? Well, yes, I guess I do. And that’s why I have a God, a great husband and dear smart friends I trust who pointed out to me: I need to pace myself (apparently much slower than I have been) practice what I preach (Put on your own oxygen mask first) and be realistic about what I can and cannot do.

Yes, I may be able to present a workshop or facilitate a group for an hour or so every few months. I am chronically ill (a fact) and even though I feel better sometimes, it doesn’t mean I can run myself ragged. Especially like “normal” people do. I tend to forget.

I have a short term (and apparently long term) memory problem.

So today (after I did too much laundry and cleaning around the house) I am sitting myself down and taking slow deep breaths.

I’ll meditate, maybe watch a movie and be grateful that I am still taking in air. Tomorrow I am having a stress test/echocardiogram due to my over doing it and hopefully it will be clear!

So I am taking my own advice, nurturing my own spirit. Some of us just have to learn that way.

Valenbirthday Celebration

2010-02-14T19:53:00.001-06:00

Well, it’s my birthday week and it has gotten off to a wonderful start. Hubby and I went to a movie and out to dinner to our favorite local restaurant. We then went home and cuddled with our golden boys to watch the U.S. win their first gold medal in the Olympics.
I also received a much-treasured gift. A beautiful locket necklace (called Lockitz) with a photo of my beloved husband and I on our wedding day on one side and my sweet goldens Selka and Gunner on the other.
Tomorrow I am taking my golden boy Gunner to the vet ophthalmologist in Omaha for his check up. Please pray that he has a good report. Gunnie has golden retriever uveitis, glaucoma and a cataract. He has responded well to treatment but could end up losing his eyes to this horrible disease. After the vet visit we will celebrate my birthday with my oldest daughter and grandsons who live in Omaha by going to lunch.
Tuesday I am having lunch with my friends, Wed. my actual Birthday!! I am having breakfast with a dear friend and then an hour and a half massage!!!!! Fri, having lunch with another good friend and then Sat. my sister is taking me to lunch and a movie and then that night all our kids are going to dinner with us! I have other birthday lunches planned even into the week after!
I am so blessed to have my loving husband, family and very amazing friend s to celebrate with!!
The only fly in the ointment is some worse than usual fatigue, shortness of breath and alittle atrial fib going on so my doctor is scheduling a chemical stress test for me ASAP just to be safe. Please pray that this is just a precautionary measure and nothing serious.
I have been eating very well and plan to continue even with all of the meals eating out this week. Hopefully I can get back to my exercise if we can figure out this exhausting fatigue.

I hope all of you enjoyed a wonderful Valentines Day.
I know I did. I feel very very blessed.

Nurturing Saturday

2010-02-07T09:15:00.004-06:00

WOW!!! Yesterday was so amazing!!!! My Nurturing Your Spirit workshop was a wonderful success thanks to the inspiring nurture seeking women who attended!!!
We had a perfect turnout (a great number of women but just the right size for the facility and to keep it comfortable and cozy)
A gentle fire in the fireplace, muffins, fruit and coffee and a cozy circle of comfortable furniture set the stage.
Everyone participated, came up with unique nurturing ideas/images for themselves and broadcast so much positive energy to the rest of the group.
Everyone seemed inspired to make their own Vision Boards. Assets list and use the affirmation badges I made as well as the bibliography of inspiring books.
We ended with a relaxation and guided imagery poem I had written.
It was very powerful and emotionally energizing for me and I am so grateful to all the amazing women who helped set it up and participated!! I look forward to many more great workshops through Amethyst!
I was exhausted, went home and went to bed but my spirit was so nurtured and nourished by these vulnerable women who opened themselves up for this experience. I am grateful to you all.

Taking Care of Ourselves

2010-01-31T10:59:00.001-06:00

I attended a workshop yesterday with twelve women called Awakening the Muse. I knew a few of the women and the others I had never met but felt a kinship as we were all somewhat close in age and interested in bringing change and more creativity into our lives.
We chatted about why we were there, filled out a questionnaire designed to help us get more in touch with our muse by our interests and facts about our lives. That was followed by a guided imagery and making a Muse Box. The facilitators had a table laden with all kinds of papers, markers, glue, glitter to help us decorate our tea cans and turn them into Muse Boxes that will hold anything we desire! Then we chanted to bring the first of three such meetings to a close. I drove away feeling so filled with light and joy!
Next week I am facilitating a workshop on Nurturing Your Spirit. It is a two-hour group to give women a heads up about ways to feel good about themselves.

Women today are SO busy, distracted, stressed and focused on OTHERS that we just aren’t willing or we don’t think it is OK to put ourselves first.
Or just even take care of us after our kids! We seem to just ax ourselves off the list all together or the list is SO long, we never reach US!
But like a blog I read this morning, we need to treat ourselves just like the flight attendants on airlines tell us. Put on YOUR oxygen mask first, before your child’s, that way you are able to aid your child.

I recall my therapist many years ago, telling me that by taking care of my own needs through things like therapy, exercise, positive self talk, that I was setting a good example for my three daughters to follow when they became adults/wives/moms!
Much of this also is the fact we don’t value ourselves. I know in our society we have been raised to be caregivers, be unselfish and put other’s needs first. But it doesn’t work if we are falling apart and also raising children who grow up believing they either need to be taken care of (that is a whole different blog!) or always have to put someone before themselves.
Life is not black and white. It is possible to take care of yourself as well as love your children and partner.
One thing I strongly believe in is don’t do anything for your child (or partner) that they are capable of doing for themselves. That doesn’t mean you can’t make meals for your family or do something nice for them. It means teaching them to take care of themselves is a parent’s main job!!!
We aren’t meant to raise helpless invalids who always need Mommy and Daddy the rest of their lives. Who have to live at home at age 30 or call Dad at ages forty to borrow his credit card when their car breaks down.

My husband and I raised three daughters who had cook nights, did their own laundry, had jobs at age sixteen if they wanted a car, could change the oil and flat tire on said car and grew up to be happy independent women. I am so proud of all three of them.

And I learned to love and take care of my self emotionally, spiritually and physically. I hope my daughters learned to do that also.

Reflections on Life

2010-01-24T09:47:00.000-06:00

As I approach my fifty sixth birthday in a few weeks, I have been reflecting some on my life. How it has turned out differently than I expected, not either positively or negatively but just different.
And my expectations/dreams /goals changed as my life played out before me. As a child, I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, a forest ranger, and owning a dog rescue ranch somewhere in the mountains. Back then there was no practicality in my vision, just dreams. Even in high school, when I had a goal of a college major in English and a future as a writer, I had no insight into how to make it happen. I believe now my low self-esteem and desire to escape my abusive home, led me to make impulsive decisions out of fear.
So my life led me to an early marriage, children, divorce, alcoholism and eventually recovery where I made more practical and realistic decisions for my future to support my children. I became a counselor with financial aid and went down a much different path than I had envisioned as a child.

When I remarried and as a couple we looked to the future, my husband and I didn’t plan on many of the challenges we found in our path to our united destiny. The loss of his family business which we thought had promised financial security, the loss of a child and grieving that loss shocked us both and put a seeming insurmountable chasm in our road.

Amazingly we made it through, raising our children to adulthood successfully and healing our marriage. Many relationships don’t survive the loss of a child as well as financial insecurity. I believe our spiritual life and love/commitment for each other is what saved us.

Chronic illness for me and loss of my full time income were unexpected challenges to both our spiritual and emotional senses as well as my physical health. We have definitely learned the meaning of living in the moment, taking it one day or hour at a time and being grateful for every minute.
In this economic climate, very few couples have the financial security that they had aspired to. So we are grateful to own our home and have no debt even though our retirement savings has dwindled where it has little meaning.

No one knows what the future holds even with the most well laid practical plans so I find solace in my faith and the joy of living just for today. It is all any of us ever have.

What Keeps You Motivated?

2010-01-17T17:06:00.001-06:00

I have been in a slump since the holidays ended. Well, to be honest, to us that is just this last week because we had a late celebration with our out of town kids and then our grandkids were here for a few days.
But now that it back to the normal routine, how do I get motivated to be creative, get some exercise and just feel good in general?

One thing I need to do now that we have our schedule back is what I wrote about last week: my regular routine. It may sound boring but my routine grounds me. Every morning I do my daily reading and meditation, my yoga exercises, which open my chakras and I usually, have activities for certain days of the week.
My writing group meets one morning a month, I attend a couple self help groups weekly, get a massage for my fibro every few weeks and have coffee/get together with my close friends who nurture and support me. I also write a gratitude list daily that also seems to keep level and out of depression or self-pity.
I also have a mental /writing exercise I developed while I was a counselor. I published it as one of my first blogs. It nurtures my spirit and makes me feel good. Just reading it feels good.
I need to update that list regularly and read it daily as I always told my clients to do. Practice what I preach!

I am excited for the next few weeks. I was invited to participate in a once a month workshop called Awakening the Muse which sounds very motivating!
And I will be facilitating a workshop myself February sixth on Nurturing your Spirit. Hopefully that will not only motivate me but others as well.

Winter, at least in this climate, can be somewhat depressing with very little sunshine, extreme cold and the three feet of snow we currently have on the ground. So it really helps me to have lots of activities planned to keep me motivated and excited. Writing, reading both fiction and nonfiction that I find stimulating, getting together with friends to talk and share how we’re doing and having art projects planned, helps me to stay up and feeling good.

Spring is always wonderful to look forward to. Making plans for my butterfly and rose garden, looking through garden books and making a design for what I want to change/update also keeps me busy.

If I can’t get outside to walk alittle with the dogs, at least I can do some yoga or dance around to my favorite tunes to keep my body loose and unstressed.
Just being outside to throw some retrieves for my goldens and breathe fresh air keeps the cabin fever away.

If you have any ideas to share that motivate you in the gray winter feel free to comment! I know this time of year serves a purpose. Just as nature needs to rest and replenish so do we. Sometimes we have to get creative and help ourselves.

Dogs and Pavlov Know Best

2010-01-10T10:12:00.000-06:00

I would have never thought I was such a creature of habit. I used to be more of a rebel, interested in new things, creative, spontaneous and forward thinking.

But being in the holiday, winter weather (three feet of snow and 30 below wind chill) and husband off work mode has knocked me totally out of balance!
It feels like months since I had the house to myself, time to wake up slowly, savor my coffee before I click into gear and get on with my day. I haven’t felt like “myself” in awhile. Been kind of crabby, out of sorts, just not right.

My husband goes back to his regular work schedule tomorrow after having three consecutive weeks of three- day work weeks. All the holiday company have gone back to their lives, the Christmas decorations and tree have been stored away and college bowl season is also over for another year.
I enjoyed it all but enough is enough. I need my alone time. I need to enjoy my coffee and allow my brain and spirit to awaken from their December static/craziness. My dogs are used to their regular schedule also. They jump up when I awaken, run ahead of me to the kitchen where I feed them then while they make their potty trip outside in the below zero temps, I make the coffee. Then as I sip, read the paper, check my email and Facebook page, I simultaneously throw their toys for them to retrieve. After which, I do my stretching and five Yoga poses that open my chakras while the dogs try to lie on me.
By this time I have some energy and brain cells charging, so we do some clean up (meaning me, the boys watch). Load the dishwasher, vacuum up the dog hair (Gunner has recently experienced an allergic reaction to some new treats and his hair is falling out like crazy) shower (for me) and get on with the day!
Most days involve some outside activity, whether it’s errands, coffee with friends, my writing group or just a romp in the snow for the boys.
Later after a rest or nap, I do some reading, writing , art projects or just watch a movie. In between usually involves some more fetch with Selka and Gunner. Before we know it, time for supper. For them it’s kibble and for us: it depends on to how creative and energetic I feel.

I never thought the Same Old, Same Old could sound so wonderful.

Growing Painfully

2010-01-06T12:26:00.001-06:00

I have had a rough last few weeks emotionally and therefore physically due to the stress-related illnesses I am privy to. Coincidentally or not, it has also been the holidays.

So it is now January, my annual self-reflective serenity seeking time of year. I really really need it.

I am feeling sad, depressed, angry with others and myself and probably somewhat in self-pity. This involves many people and several issues I would prefer not to get into publicly on a blog but just so you know: they involve family (several different family issues)and friends and my own sense of self.

When I was younger (say teens, twenties, thirties) I certainly thought that by the time I was in my late (OMG I am going to be 56 in Feb!) fifties, I would be wise, mature and certainly know myself very well and Hey, be close to perfect! Unfortunately, that is far from true.

As sixty gains momentum, I seem to be more sensitive, emotionally wobbly and less sure of who I am and who my friends are. That is not exactly true. I do have a BASIC sense of who I am, both assets and liabilities, and am pretty sure of a small group of people that I know love me and accept me warts and all.

In February, I am scheduled to present a workshop on Nurturing Yourself. Having been a counselor for a long time, I had developed a series of exercises to help women (but it would also work for men, I think) nurture their inner selves and hopefully learn to love themselves as they are. Most of the time, I am pretty good at this myself.

But I seem to have taken a battering over the last few weeks; most of it initially brought on by choices that YOURS TRULY made!
(I am SO lucky my dear spouse does not often say, “I told you so!”)

One of my assets/liabilities is that I have a BIG MOUTH and am also highly opinionated which often gets me into trouble. I end up finding out who exactly disagrees with me and then my feelings are hurt because not everyone likes me! DUH!!! Big Surprise!

So I will be spending the next couple months of below zero temps and several feet of snow, studying, reflecting, learning and hopefully growing into the person I want to be. And practicing what I preach. Therefore also nurturing myself.

And hopefully finding a way to say what I think tactfully, learning to live with the consequences and loving myself enough that when it becomes very evident that some people don’t like or agree with me, I can lick my wounds and go on. Because the truth is: not everyone I meet will like me or agree with me and that’s OK.
I think. As I tell myself: We all are works in progress!

Moving On to 2010 : BELIEVE

2009-12-30T10:16:00.000-06:00

WOW, way back in the 60’s and 70’s when I thought about the year 2000, it seemed too far off to even give much thought. Like science fiction, 2001: A Space Odyssey or Terminator when Judgement Day comes. I figured I’d be SO old by then, I’d probably be dead.

Well, here we are: I am still here by the grace of God and 2010 is right around the corner. It feels unreal and yet I have lived these last thirty years, gained sobriety, married, had a family, a career and grown as a person, spiritually, psychologically and continue to grow, even at this advanced age of 55.

2009 was an amazing year for me. Nothing much changed externally but internally: a tsunami!!! I made a vision board in the last months of 2008 and all of those dreams have manifested and come to be a reality! The faith that brought these goals forth blows me away. I didn’t realize I had it. I had prayed for it, the faith and it came. Looking back, I am happy my vision board dreams have come to fruition of course but the one true thing I am most joyful for is the FAITH. I trusted without any proof and it came to be. Grew, bubbled up inside me, a caterpillar in the cocoon/chrysalis and burst forward as a butterfly, full of life, love, BELIEF. What an amazing gift.

So I added a few new dreams to my vision board but left the others up as a talisman.
Proof that dreams can manifest, believing works. And will continue.

I have faith that good things will continue to come even with all the doubt and negativity in the world. Just as a caterpillar can totally dissolve in a chrysalis and come out an entirely new being, so can each of us.

Happy New Year!!!

Gifts I Give Myself

2009-12-19T09:38:00.001-06:00

Things I Have Done in My Life and OH SO Glad I Did

Grew Up in a Small Town
Eaten Mulberries off the bush
Owned, Rode and Loved a Horse
Spent a great deal of time in the mountains
Known true love
Hiked through Yellowstone National Park and the Tetons
Birthed four beautiful daughters
Swam in the ocean, especially the warm gulf waters.
Witnessed the Sandhill Crane migration.
Learned to love being alone
Skied in Colorado
Became sober and gained recovery from alcoholism/addiction
And witnessed this miracle in many others
Had great sex.
Tasted luscious sea scallops in wine sauce.
Invented an imaginary family.
Made some extraordinary friendships
Had soothing therapeutic massages
Grown my own roses.
Watched the elk rut and bugling in RMNP
Eaten a banana split
Been loved unconditionally by many golden retrievers
Grown and gained insight through therapy
Cooked on a barbecue grill with a bison in Yellowstone
Learned yoga and meditation
Have lived in a small city
Cried at the sound of beautiful music
Read some amazing poetry and written some myself.
Belonged to the Girl Scouts
Soaked in a Jacuzzi under the stars
Ridden a motorcycle over the Continental Divide
Witnessed the births of my daughter’s firstborn children
Watched unbelievable sunrises and sunsets.
Owe No One. Own our house, cars, everything free and clear.
Held my mother’s hand when she went to Heaven
Believe in a Higher Power

Some Things I Haven’t Done But Would Love To Do

1) Haven’t seen Yellowstone in Winter
2) See truly wild animals in Africa
3) Gaze upon Denali /Mt. McKinley
4) Have coffee with some of my dear on line friends in person!
5) Visit Yosemite
6) Experience Gratitude and Serenity Everyday

Gifts I Give Myself

Permission to be ME, I am Enough
Meditation and guided imagery
Yoga and Centering
A Daily Gratitude List
A Daily Inventory
Alone time
Cuddle time with my pups
Allow myself mistakes, I’m not perfect
Live in the moment, it’s all we have. : )

Merry Christmas

The Simple Things of Comfort and Joy

2009-12-13T16:10:00.001-06:00

In this season of goodness and light, comfort and joy and peace on earth goodwill toward men, I thought it might be good to write about living simply.
I have a friend who is skipping Christmas this year. Mainly because she has some personal therapeutic reason for doing so but also as a small rebellion to what our society has done to this holiday season.

To many it seems to have become only secular. An excuse to buy, buy, buy.
Which seems to begin LONG before Black Friday. I saw Christmas sales way before Halloween this year. I know the economy is hurting but Sheesh!
How many TV’s, blueray players, Ipods, I phones and whatever else can you have?
I find it ironic that just as Oprah tells all of us to live simply, cut back and be content with what we have, she owns at least five homes and in her magazine talks about her favorite things which usually are way beyond my pocketbook! How much is enough?
In this time of so much unemployment, homes being foreclosed and people in debt up to their eyeballs, what is living simply?
I think it begins with the spirit. If your soul is empty and wanting, we will want to fill it up. And we usually start with what we think are the easier quick fix ways. Like food, drugs, alcohol, and things.
I have been guilty of this. I tried to fill the hole within my soul with alcohol, didn’t work, sex: NADA. Food: well, that’s where comfort food got it’s definition but when you end up overweight with diabetes and heart problems; you need to look deeper.
Shopping is a very hollow way to find the answers. It lasts about five seconds once you walk in your front door. And then you need another fix.

I have seen it in children who can’t entertain themselves for five minutes without a Gameboy, Wii or movie to do it for them. When was the last time someone read them a book? Or took them on a nature walk in the forest where they could exam a squirrel’s skull, a robin’s nest or see who can find the most beautiful rock?

As far as we adults, what does living simply mean to you? Do you find yourself often bored, restless or just grumpy? Needing to fill that hole with “something”?

I recently went on a clean out spree. I cleaned out closets (anything I hadn’t used or worn in a year went!) I had held onto hundreds of books because I LOVE them. I so cherish holding a hardback book in my hands, smelling the pages, soaking up the graceful phrases and elegant words. But I realized I was being selfish. While these books were hugging my many bookcases, someone could actually be reading them! So I boxed them up and dropped them off at the public library to do with as they would.
After my big clean out, I felt cleansed. FREE. And I don’t intend to fill it up again with more stuff. Believe me, I am not living like a monk. I still have plenty of stuff. But I don’t feel as tied to it or owned by it all as I did before.

I have many sentimental keepsakes and things I cherish. Like my Red Willow china and my wooden St. Nick collections I also still have my favorite books that I love to read over and over. But I no longer feel any need to run out and buy something. I didn’t do Black Friday and in fact, I did a very small amount of shopping this holiday season. I bought my grandchildren books, which I hope they will enjoy having me read to them.
The rest I purchased from my easy chair via on line catalogs.

Maybe living simply is something that comes with age. At a certain age I began to realize it wasn’t what I physically had or how I looked that was important. Just like a corny Christmas movie, I learned that what is important is what’s inside. The friendships with other women that sustain me. My husband who loves me no matter how many wrinkles I have or how gray our hair. And my daughters who are now not only my adored daughters but cherished friends. And last but not least, my golden retrievers: Selka and Gunner who spend almost every minute of every day within a pat on the head or a stroke of their fur.

So many things bring comfort and joy to my life. Some are physical. A mocha latte’ is so much better enjoyed with a friend or a good movie watched with my husband, daughter or a soft golden body in my lap. But the most important is the quiet contentment as I look up at the full or crescent moon and think of my mom, who always called me to look out my window at it’s splendor. Or when I meditate to beautiful music and feel the presence of my Higher Power whose abiding unconditional love and acceptance gives me not only the courage to live simply but also the joy.

Snow Days and Holiday Movies.

2009-12-08T10:22:00.001-06:00

The forecast says we can expect about a foot of snow and blizzard conditions over the next twenty-four hours. Schools are closed and traffic is slow (at least anyone who cares for their life and their car is driving defensively)
It’s a perfect day for baking Christmas cookies, making old fashioned dough ornaments, or playing in the snow if you are brave and don’t mind a forty mile an hour wind.

Also a wonderful day for sitting by the fire (if you have a fireplace, I don’t)
Sipping hot chocolate and watching your favorite Christmas movies.

My favorites don’t seem to be the typical variety such as “It’s A Wonderful Life”, “Miracle on Thirty Fourth Street” “Christmas Story” or “Christmas in Connecticut”. Mine lean toward the more modern. My special favorites are “If You Believe” which stars Hayden Pantierre back when she was about ten, playing the physical creation of an adult workaholic’s inner child. Throughout the movie, the woman, played by Ally Walker from the old TV show Profiler, begins to defrost from her Scroogelike personna and enjoy the small delights in life again. She also falls in love. Perfect holiday schmaltz!

Other holiday favorites are Meg Ryan’s “Sleepless in Seattle”, “When Harry Met Sally” and even “You’ve Got Mail”. Sandra Bullock in “While You Were Sleeping ” is such a funny happy tale that my girls and I memorized movie lines from this and the previous mentioned flicks. Good memories!

I also like to dig out “The Family Man “ with Nicholas Cage, “Home Alone” or even “Die Hard’! Of course we always watch our animated favorites “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” and Charlie Brown!

One I don’t like is ‘The Family Stone” a recent Christmas film where an all star cast portrays a family that spends the holiday get together seeing which female family member can be the biggest bitch. REALLY! Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams and Sarah Jessica Parker play the meanest rudest women I have ever seen in a supposed holiday film. When I sit down to get myself into the holiday spirit, I sure don’t need tension and bickering to get me there. I have enough of that in my own family of origin! GEESH! Did the producers actually think that was funny?

A recent movie I like, if you can stomach the totally unneeded sex scenes, is “Love Actually” It never fails to make me feel like “Love is All Around”.
I also ordered the old Walton’s Christmas movie “The Homecoming” starring Patricia Neal which I watched as a girl at home. They played it every Christmas morning back in the day. I found it on Amazon and it should be arriving in my mailbox any day.

So whatever movies trip your Christmas trigger, cuddle up with the kids or a pup (like me and my golden duo) pour a cup of cocoa and lighten your mood with some holiday cheer, regardless of your religious views.

As Andy Williams sings: It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Rethinking / An Apology

2009-12-03T08:16:00.000-06:00

Re thinking/Apology

Last week I wrote what I intended to be a blog about Giving and Humility. It ended up coming across as judgmental and self-righteous. I apologize to anyone who was offended.

This blog got me looking at INTENTION. My intention with the blog was to get the message out there that giving is about how good it makes you feel when you give from the heart, not to just look good or compete with your friends.

But I didn’t look at the intention behind those people’s giving that I was judging. Apparently the person who paid it forward at Starbucks did so because someone else had done that for her. And it made her day! And so she wanted to make someone else happy. She also thought announcing it on Facebook would encourage others to do the same thing.

I worked for nonprofits for thirty years. I know they need money desperately to keep their doors open. They don’t care why people give, as long as they do. So if people donate because their friends do, so what! As long as the people who need it get help. The outcome is what’s important. And a plaque on the wall with the donator’s names.

So it comes down to this: I still believe in giving from the heart with just the good feeling you get from it as your reward. But I can’t change society by myself. If parents don’t raise their children teaching them about giving just for the sake of giving and others think it is great to donate, pay it forward and announce it to the world, then just as long as the people who need it get help, that’s what is important. Who am I to judge?

Best of 2009: The First Seven

2009-12-01T07:11:00.002-06:00

December 1 Trip. What was your best trip in 2009? I only went one place several times all year: Estes Park Colorado. My favorite place in the whole world. My spiritual home. Rocky Mountain National Park, elk bugeling and butting heads, golden aspens, gorgeous weather. HEAVEN!

December 2 Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind? Dinner with my hubby at Dunraven Inn in Estes Park. YUMMY giant sea scallops in a to die for wine sauce! YUM! My mouth is watering at 7 am just remembering!

December 3 Article. What's an article that you read that blew you away? That you shared with all your friends. That you Delicious'd and reference throughout the year. Hmmmmm. Read so many, hard to select one. I always love reading Martha Beck’s article’s in O magazine.

December 4 Book. What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?
I read a lot! Both Julie Buxbaum and Katherine Center had new books come out and I loved them. I also read Harlan Coben, Lee Child and John Sandford mysteries and they were all excellent. My fave nonfiction book was Brene’ Brown’s book . That's all I can think of before coffee!

December 5 Night out. Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night? I read my poems at a poetry reading at a local winery. My husband and I went out for ice cream after and it was just like a date. We have been married 29 years! The atmosphere at the reading was so supportive and romantic. We also had a couple very romantic dinners this year at the above Dunraven Inn!

December 6 Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn? I attended a workshop on line on PNN by Brene’ Brown on being authentic and met so many cool women!!! It was growth inducing and supportive!

December 7 Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year. Brene’s Brown’s Ordinary Courage! She is a true gem!

Good Will Toward Men, Women and Children

2009-11-29T13:24:00.002-06:00

This is the time of year people like to grab the Christmas spirit and do their part to help local charities and needy families.
I think this is wonderful. There are so many people in these difficult economic times who are going without, who have lost their jobs or are having a hard time just making ends meet. Food pantries, homeless shelters and hundreds of social service agencies are dependent on donations, both cash and in kind.

Of course it would be great if we participated in this kind of giving and good will all year long. Wouldn’t that be amazing? There would then probably be no need for all the fund raising at the holidays! Maybe.
Apparently some of us need the holiday season to jolt them into the giving spirit. As someone who worked for nonprofits 99% of my career, I am eternally grateful that November and December bring this side out in people.

Something I have noticed lately on Facebook and other social networks I peruse is that many seem to think they must announce their giving /donations to the world. Or they create a competition to see if they can guilt people into giving or turn giving into a contest to see who gives the most! Remember Oprah’s Big Give?
The winner actually won money for giving! I also noticed it lasted only one season.

GEESH!!!!! Whatever happened to giving to help others? Just to be nice? Just to be kind? Just to give back because you have been blessed with so much?
I was raised in a home where even though there was an outrageous amount of dysfunction going on and we probably could have used the food pantry ourselves at times, my mom still believed in helping from the heart. She also believed in doing your giving anonymously. My mom was a strong example of Humility In Action.
She taught us: if you do something nice for others, you don’t take credit for it, brag about it or tell others they should be doing the same thing! Once I left home, she always shone by example and never pushed me to donate as she did. Of course being raised as I was, I wanted to give back also. I have to admit there were times when we were very close to needing help ourselves and could only manage to give a few cans of soup or beans to the local food bank.

On the other side of the fence, I have heard friends brag about paying it forward at Starbucks!!!!
Not only do I consider it in poor taste to brag about it but if someone is in line in their SUV at Starbucks, they can probably afford to pay for their own latte’!!!! Maybe pay it forward at the local grocery warehouse!!!

If you always give, then thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

And if you don’t or haven’t been able before, there are so many needy organizations set up to help the homeless, hungry, unemployed and their animals that you don’t need me to tell you where and to whom to give. You can all look to your own higher power or conscience and decide what to give. Whether it’s one can of beans, one coat to a child, or one toy from Santa. And then feel deep down inside how blessed you are and tell no one. It feels so good and warms your own Grinch heart. God bless us everyone.

Gratitude at Thanksgiving – A Worldwide Blogging Event

2009-11-22T09:44:00.000-06:00

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” (Buddha)

Laurie Hawley, life coach, wrote in her Aha Life Design Blog that she is copying another creativity coach’s, Laura Hegfield, Thanksgiving blog idea.
of creating a special Thanksgiving blog consisting of gratitude quotes from different people in her life. She wrote:

“I would like it if all of you special earth angels would write a sentence or two about what you are grateful for in your life…in the moment you receive this message…or the minute you have time to get to it…but be present when you write. Don’t think too much…just close your eyes…breathe into the moment and allow the feeling of gratitude to arise…then write words that flow from your deep well of truth.”

I write a gratitude list daily and recently wrote 100 things I am grateful for and I believe I could easily make it one thousand.

So maybe instead of just a list, I will be a little more thoughtful and meditate a few moments on the gifts in my life for which I feel the most thankful.

First, I am most thankful for God who makes all things possible and without who I would not be here but also would be leading a much less rich and serenity filled life. It would be empty.

My family: my husband who supports me and loves me no matter what.
My four daughters, all of whom have enriched my life in so many different ways. Two sons in law and a stepson, step daughter in law and seven energy/joy filled grandchildren. Five golden retrievers over the years, who all have loved unconditionally and brought so much sweet joy into my life.

When a person reaches a certain age, I think we naturally become grateful for our health. Grateful to be able to move, walk, see, hear and enjoy this wonderful life here on earth, even if that health has become somewhat diminished.

Also I am giving thanks for the many supportive and inspiring friends I have in my life. Many who are new this year!

I have gratitude for the very practical but so necessary gifts in life. A home that is warm, contains a comfortable bed to sleep in, utilities we can afford thanks to my husband’s employment, plenty of food and water, and the clean air and natural beauty of this great state of Nebraska where I am so blessed to live.

Lastly, before I bore everyone who graciously reads my blog, I am thankful for all the small joys in life that make living worth while. These joys are unique to each person. But because I am so lucky as to have all the above blessings, I can enjoy these small joys. Like college football, trips to the Rocky Mountains, movies and books, coffee with friends and writing this blog.

Now if you wish or are able, write your Thanksgiving list below.

Rants/Frustration Rather Than Gratitude

2009-11-19T09:51:00.001-06:00

OK, if you want a Gratitude blog like most people are writing this week, go back a couple weeks. I wrote 100 Things I Am Grateful For.

Today I am frustrated. At least in this moment. An hour from now I will be content again (hopefully!) and focused on what I am grateful for. I will be aware of how much I have and that there are people out there who have it SO much worse than me.

But right now, in this moment, I am NOT. I am frustrated that I have gained weight in the last month rather than losing like my husband. Hmmmm. Could be because I get pretty much no exercise. I go through phases of beginning stretching regimens or yoga but then I hit a pain day and there it goes. I am happy I haven’t binged or done any eating on my feelings since I stopped seeing my father a few months ago. But the weight gain really pisses me off.
(I could really get into psycho analyzing myself here since my weight either high or low has always been an issue between my father and myself)

Another weight gain: my dog is fat again!!! I swear he goes up and down like a seesaw. And it’s on me! I feed him, he does not feed himself so it’s all about my concentrated effort or lack there of to get weight off him by feeding him less! He always acts like he is starving! So I feel so bad cutting back his food, giving him less treats or no treats. He always gets a small treat when his brother gets his meds because I give his brother a treat then. His brother does not have a weight issue.

I also am frustrated with why the responsibility for the dog’s meds is totally on me. Well, not so much that but the fact that I am not perfect. I forget, every once in awhile, to give him his nighttime meds. And in the morning when I realize, when I see the pill in the night before’s little compartment, I feel bad, guilty and want to blame someone. I feel less than. A bad dog mother.

It reminds me of when our daughters were young, in school, back in the old days. I worked full time, did the family’s laundry, arranged the meals, made the meals, arranged all the appointments (doctors, dentists, whatever needed done) attended school conferences, school plays, took kids to the doctor, dentist, made sure they got up in the morning, took care of the dog’s meds, got up with sick kids in the night, got up with the seizing dog in the night, felt overwhelmed and not good enough. I wanted a day off from responsibility. Just one day.

Another thing I am somewhat upset about today is that I am going bald. (I am sure my friends/relatives are so tired of hearing about this) I am grieving and I go through phases of feeling so sad and other very short phases of acceptance.
I have to admit: I am vain. At 55 and as overweight as I am, I am vain about my hair. Even people with cancer, grieve losing their hair. A long time ago, I was attractive.
I was young, a normal healthy weight and had long blonde soft silky hair. I could wear eye make up back then. Now with sucky Sjogren’s Syndrome which makes my eyes super dry and irritated, I can no longer comfortably wear mascara, eye shadow or any make up close to my eyes.
I feel like Lauren Bacall’s character in The Mirror Has Two Faces. Grieving the outer me I used to be. And I didn’t appreciate her when she was here. I thought she was too fat.
So not only am I overweight (which I admit I can change) and 55(which I can’t) I am also going bald : ( and have dark circles under my eyes. Bummer.

I notice I seem to be more upset about going bald than the fact I have about twenty chronic illnesses. Well, at least at this moment.

Today I am not working. My kids are grown. The seizing dog has gone on to dog Heaven. I know everyone feels like this sometimes. We all want a day with no responsibility. And no grief issues. No issues period!

Today I am probably as close to no responsibility as I could be in my life. I am only responsible for my dogs and myself. My husband is the one who works and pays the bills. Must be nice huh?

So why can’t I remember the freakin dog’s meds at night every night? Is that too much to ask?
Why can’t I make sure the dogs and myself get some exercise and lose some weight? Why can’t I stop being so vain and let go of my hair and my lack of mascara?
Oh well, guess I am just human. A work in progress. Always.

OK, rant over, got it off my chest. Mini issues. Mini problems. Not global warming. Not war, health care, life and death issues.

Back to Gratitude.
Thank God.

P.S. I already feel better and I also realized that this post may seem somewhat hypocritical after last week's blog post. If it does, I just have to say, I am human and sometimes bitchy and can get into self pity like everyone else. And so it goes.

Life's Twists and Turns

2009-11-16T09:50:00.003-06:00

Life’s Twists and Turns

We are a self-absorbed society. I am willing to admit I am part of it and spend a great deal of time, I am sure, being focused on ME. My health issues, my family, even working on improving myself emotionally and spiritually is being self absorbed at some level, even to be a better person.

I try to see things that other people are going through and be aware of their tragedies and pain as well as their triumphs and joy. I know I sometimes fail. We are all human.

An old friend’s daughter (we were best friends in high school and were each other’s maid/matron honor) was married this week with the entire wedding blitz of bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and big wedding. We are not close enough anymore for my husband and I to have been invited to the wedding but I am friends with her on Facebook so have read all the pre and now post wedding stories.

The friend stated she is going to be depressed now that the wedding is over and her kids from out of town are heading home.

Her daughter who got married is 25. This friend and I were pregnant at the same time. I had placenta previa, hemorrhaged for twelve weeks (13 blood transfusions) and spent six weeks in the hospital. The rest of the time, I was in a hospital bed in our living room using a bedpan because I could not get out of bed. Our two-year-old was home with me all day alone except for the short time period when a home health nurse came by to check on the baby and me. My husband (who is a saint) left snacks, juice, water, books and diapers on a table next to my bed for the day. Our two-year-old was so great during that time. I hate to think about what would have happened had she gone down the hall, not come back and I would have had to go find her. She was wonderful about staying by me, playing and reading books laying next to me on the bed. We watched a lot of TV and movies!
We also had two older girls ages 8 and 6 that took the bus to school every morning and the bus home. They were both very responsible and helpful during that stressful time in our family.
We made many scary trips to the ER, running red lights all the way across town, I would poke Lindsey in my belly to make sure she was still alive. Every jump or move she made was a miracle to me. When we’d get to the hospital and I’d see her heart blip across the monitor, I felt such gratitude.
At 26 weeks gestation though, I was losing more blood than they could get back into me. So my obstetrician (my friend and I also had the same doctor) had no choice but to perform an emergency casearean. Our daughter Lindsey Kate was born at 5 a.m. on December 6th, our wedding anniversary! She weighed one pound 7 and a half ounces and at first had an APGAR of 9. I was unable to hold her when I came out of general anesthesia due to her very fragile condition. She was so very tiny but so beautiful. She had very fine blonde hair, just like two of her sisters. I then had an allergic reaction to one of the blood transfusions after her birth and was confined to bed. The girls had just had the stomach flu so were unable to go into the NICU to see their baby sister. Her dad was lucky enough to be able to spend time next to her incubator in the NICU.
The third morning after Lindsey was born she began failing. All her organs began shutting down. The neonatologist performed a total blood transfusion trying to give her the best chance but back in 1984, babies born that prematurely rarely were able to survive. Their tiny blood vessels in their brains are so fragile and burst easily at the slightest variation in oxygen level from the ventilator. So at 5 a.m. on Dec. 8th my husband and I were allowed to hold our beautiful daughter for the first and last time as she took her final breaths. Later, I was moved to the end of the hall to a private room and two days later convinced my doctor I needed to heal at home. I could not take another night n the maternity ward, listening to babies cry for their mothers.
Lindsey’ funeral was exactly a week after she as born.

This December 6th, 2009 our Lindsey Kate would be turning twenty-six years old if she had lived. We never got to see her take her first steps, say her first words, enjoy her first day of school, share family holidays and vacations, or watch her graduate from high school or college. My daughter Sam, who was two when Lindsey was born has held a strange position in our family. She is the youngest and the baby of our family but she also is not. She is very intuitive and has a strong sense of this. She thinks of her baby sister often, has Lindsey’s pink lamb that lay beside Lindsey in her incubator on her dresser and wonders what it would have been like to grow up being a big sister.

We will never see Lindsey get married. I wondered as I read my friend’s words on Facebook about her being depressed now that the wedding is over, if she remembers our youngest daughter would be the same age as her youngest daughter.? We lost touch after Lindsey died and have only kept up a somewhat superficial friendship since. I think we are uncomfortable with each other. I would never deny her the joy of her daughter’s life and wonderful wedding. I am happy for her and her family.
But I hope she has some thought/feeling for the baby girl of ours who now resides in Heaven. And maybe will not feel so depressed that the wedding is over.

The UnFather

2009-11-08T09:21:00.002-06:00

I am grieving the daddy I never had. The Leave it To Beaver/Father Knows Best daddy. I know these sorts of Dads aren’t “real”. They are TV characters. But I have had friends who have been lucky enough to have had dads like these. When I hear some of my friends talk about their dads with soft voices full of admiration and love, I get nauseous. Dads who tucked them in, took them for ice cream, played games and ball, and attended and participated in their activities such as ballet, piano recitals, school programs and carnivals. My husband is that kind of dad.

As a child, I invented a dad like that. He was imaginary (He was actually my version of The Rifleman, Chuck Conners) and I had many stories about him and my entire imaginary family. These stories helped me get through my day to day life as a child and survive my abusive childhood somewhat sane.

I have often felt guilty for feeling so sad and negatively about my childhood. I never went hungry; always had a bed to sleep in, a house, some of the time I even had my own room. Since getting older and working through many childhood issues, I am able to find some good childhood memories. Few include my family members unfortunately. My best childhood memories were when I was away from my home. Hiking out in the country, walking with a friend or my dog, swimming in a quarry pond we found off the railroad tracks. I have some warm memories as a very young child of my grandma and my uncle (my mother’s family) because I lived with them for almost the entire first five years of my life due to my mother’s illness.

I no longer resent or blame my parents for my childhood. I worked through this in therapy. I accept that they did the best they could, considering my dad was a practicing alcoholic, a narcissist and had a bad childhood himself. My mother was reacting to my father’s alcoholism and adultery and was on the brink of insanity herself. She eventually found help for herself and made amends to us. She went on to be a wonderful Grandma and she and I were close before she died.

Unfortunately, that has not yet happened with my father and probably won’t.
I feel sad for him; he is miserable and blames everyone but himself for his loneliness and unhappiness. I forgive him, bear him only good will and peace but am not willing to sacrifice my own sanity and serenity any longer just for the ability to say I visit him once a week. The hell and verbal abuse he subjected me to while putting in my time is not worth being able to say I still see my ‘dad”.

Apparently in our society it is OK to divorce an abusive spouse but not a relative. Why would anyone expect you to put up with someone, who constantly berates you, belittles you and your children, calls you nasty degrading names and speaks only in negativity and repeatedly makes racist and sexist comments? And also expects your constant attention, devotion and care? Sounds insane doesn’t it? Yet I have come up against a few people who think this way.

Our society also seems to see things in as black and white terms as I did growing up in an alcoholic family. Many think it is impossible to love a person and also let them go in order to save yourself. A friend said to me “maybe someday you will be able to forgive your father.” I have already forgiven him. This is NOT about forgiveness, resentment, getting even or anything negative to be very honest. I tried for fifty-five years to get along with my father. I changed and grew and he didn’t. I found I could no longer continue to be around him and survive. His abuse was not only affecting me emotionally, spiritually, mentally but also physically. The actual physical stress of coping with his negative onslaughts on a regular basis was killing me. If I continued, I have no doubts I may have died before he did.

Luckily, I have developed a wonderful support system of friends who support me and want only what is healthy and empowering in my life.
My husband and my daughters also feel the same way.

I have also experienced the amazing insight to see how much more serenity and happiness I have experienced since discontinuing this insanity. I no longer experience the stomachaches and migraines during the days leading up to my weekly “visit”. My blood pressure has gone down. I feel free, probably for the first time in my entire fifty -five years of life. And I refuse to waste any more time either feeling guilty for apparently not being the daughter my father requires or regretting all the years I wasted trying to gain my father’s approval and love.

My sister said to me ”You will feel guilty when he dies”. Well, I may, and if I do, I will work through it with the help of God, therapy and friends.
But to be honest, I doubt that I will. Because I have learned so much in these fifty-five years and I own all my own “stuff “ and I will allow him to own his. I know deep inside that I tried loved and worked all my life to be a good daughter. In order to gain my dad’s love and approval. And it didn’t work.
I have learned the only person’s approval I need is my own. I know I have a beautiful honest soul and that I am enough just the way I am. And I also know my God loves me and relishes my creativity and wondrous spirit.
For me, that is enough.

Do you feel JOY?

2009-11-01T10:02:00.000-06:00

I recently participated in a five-week discussion about becoming authentic, loving ourselves and feeling JOY. It seemed more women were willing to discuss what was wrong with them than speak about joy. Does that mean we don’t allow ourselves to feel joy, we don’t know what it is or we just don’t want to discuss it?

About fifteen years ago when I was in therapy, my therapist asked me when I last felt joy. I think I said “when my daughters were born” That was true enough but actually pretty sad since my daughters were teens by then. Don’t get me wrong. I felt good about a lot of things. But JOY? Did I have joy on too high a pedestal? Like ecstasy or some profound emotion only experienced if you witnessed the face of God?
Since then I have worked on many issues in my life: depression, disability, patience, finding serenity, forgiveness, peace, stillness, loving myself and have finally realized in the last few months, I have been experiencing JOY!

It has come in short small bursts like little bubbles and at times loud explosions similar to fireworks. Both are equally wonderful and fulfilling. Joy has also been experienced along with serenity, contentment, passion, fun and stillness.

I think the difference between now and fifteen years ago is: I am experiencing JOY in my soul rather than my head. I was trying too hard, dissecting it, defining it, wanting to be JOY perfect. Since then and after all the hard work I have done, I am into letting it go (whatever IT is), loving myself and others, forgiving myself and others and just BEING.
Therefore, I have been more open and free to feel JOY.

All kinds of JOY.

Joy in the scent of a cinnamon candle or a Heritage rose blossom.

Joy delighting in the play of my golden retrievers or a hug of support from a dear friend.

Joy in setting my eyes on the majesty of Long’s Peak or my grandson in his Halloween costume.

Joy in a friend’s words of affinity or a poem by Mary Oliver.

I could make a list that went on for pages and pages. Which to me is a miracle!!!

Joy I have found is wherever and whatever we choose to call it.
May you find JOY.

100 Things I Am Grateful For

2009-10-26T11:18:00.001-05:00

(I make a Gratitude List every day but the 100 list idea I got from Katherine Center)

1) Time
2) Mashed potatoes
3) Leather recliners
4) Golden Retrievers (of course this should be NO. 1)
5) Great pens
6) Blue skies, especially in autumn
7) Monarchs
8) The Eagles (both the band and the bird)
9) Living My Own Truth
10) Soft socks
11) David Austin Roses
12) Soft fleece blankets
13) Estes Park Colorado
14) Wonderful women bloggers
15) Clean Nebraska air
16) Valentino’s black olive and mushroom pizza
17) COFFEEE
18) My gorgeous loving daughters
19) Caramel berber carpet (goes great with golden retrievers!)
20) Four Seasons (the actual seasons , not the hotel)
21) Jacuzzis
22) Rocking chairs
23) Big yummy sea scallops
24) My wonderful grandchildren
25) Puffs Plus!
26) DVR
27) Breathing (I know this seems like a given but I have asthma)
28) Asthma meds
29) breastfeeding
30) James Taylor
31) Trees
32) Dead trees
33) Pottery
34) Books
35) Dragonflies
36) My Mom’s potato salad
37) Swimming
38) Long’s Peak
39) Dill pickles
40) Air conditioning
41) Tastefully Simple’s Creamy Wild Rice Soup
42) Counseling
43) Honest loving friends
44) White sand
45) Morning smooches from my hubby
46) Freedom
47) Daisies
48) Movies (I could list all my favorite movies but that would take up all 100)
49) Velour yoga pants
50) Low humidity
51) Pooper scoopers
52) Highlights (for hair)
53) Coffee houses
54) Mary Oliver
55) Collage
56) Mushrooms (edible)
57) Wolves
58) Four wheel drive
59) Energy
60) Lavender
61) Porch swings
62) Slow dancing
63) My husband’s job/paycheck
64) Born (the shoes)
65) Asparagus
66) My favorite novelists (this too would be a VERY long list)
67) Time to read. : )
68) Sunsets
69) The Serenity Prayer
70) Selka and Gunner (my goldens) and my past goldens Shammy, Sophie and Max
71) Being human
72) Bracelets
73) A Charlie Brown Christmas
74) That I loved being a counselor for thirty years
75) Babies
76) Democracy
77) That I can walk
78) My hair (what little I have left)
79) My soft comfortable bed
80) Massage
81) College football
82) Oatmeal
83) Nail polish
84) Laptops
85) All my neighborhood birds (cardinals, finches, robins, chickadees)
86) Good shower water pressure
87) Martha Beck
88) Laughter
89) A good bra
90) Yoga (and Rodney Yee)
91) Singing in the car
92) Candles
93) Nachos
94) The Dunraven Inn ( a great restaurant in Estes Park)
95) Fuchsia
96) Dangly earrings
97) Chenille
98) Bob Seger
99) AA
100) Being with and loving my husband for thirty years.

Well, I could go on and on but I’m sure you are bored by now.
Make your own list and keep adding. : )

No Topic Thursday

2009-10-22T12:03:00.002-05:00

I have been sick with the crappy flu for a week and a half. So I don’t really have any great insights and I haven’t done much besides cough, sniff, blow my nose, gasp for breath, cough some more, snuggle under a blanket with the dogs, watch movies and sleep when I’m not coughing. I have drank herb tea, sipped wonderful soup, taken Mucinex, Echinacea, zinc and Vicksed myself all over.

I have read some when my head wasn’t aching. I am reading Martha Beck’s The Joy Diet, Marian Woodman, Patty Digh’s Life is A Verb and some great articles in the new O magazine. I’ve also been involved in a great discussion based on Brene’ Brown’s new book on perfectionism, being authentic and feeling worthy of love.

I find it so sad that our society does not value girls and no wonder girls don’t value themselves. We as WOMEN need to work to change that. If girls start to love and value themselves, there would be no more eating disorders, addiction to sex, shopping, hoarding, alcohol/ drugs and all the social addictions. We wouldn’t have that big hole inside ourselves we are always trying to fill with something else. I bet there wouldn’t be any more domestic violence either because women wouldn’t look twice at the charming man who is throwing up red flags all over the place!
We’d be strong, fulfilled and have many ways to have our needs met, not from one man.
Today all I can do is nurture myself. Tell myself I am enough. I am lovable, artistic, loving, warm, intelligent and wonderful!!! And then believe it!
You can love yourself too. And spread the word.

The GREAT DREAM

2009-10-15T15:43:00.000-05:00

What is your GREAT Dream?

Do you have a GREAT dream? Something you have always wanted to do, or be or make?
The dream you have always been afraid to say aloud. The dream you didn't even realize WAS a dream maybe. Just a foggy feeling in your heart or gut.

Maybe it’s something you wanted to do or be as a child and let it go, like a helium balloon we somehow let escape from our fingers, that floated up, up to the clouds and out of sight.

Or maybe you are older now and have felt a tugging, an urge to do something. But you are afraid. Afraid of failure. Or maybe even success.
Because if you did succeed, THEN what would you do? You’d have to follow through, right? Or not.

Or maybe you are afraid people will think you are stupid, or your idea is dumb, or whatever it is will be ugly. That no one will want it. Or that there really is no way for you to succeed or for the dream to come true. So you bury it and don’t speak of it. Or even acknowledge the dream exists.

I have had many dreams. Some have come true. (To marry and be a mother) Some I chose not to follow. Like becoming a veterinarian and running a homeless dog ranch. (That was my dream as a twelve -year old)
At nineteen, I wanted to become a counselor, so I worked, searched out resources, went to college and became a counselor. For thirty years. But it really wasn’t my GREAT dream.

I also always loved to write poetry. I have since studied, written and had my poetry published. When anyone would push me to submit more, I balked. I thought I had writer’s block. I realize now, it wasn’t my great dream.
Then when my friend wrote a book and had it published, I thought ”That has been my dream!” To write a book. So I have been writing off and on (more off) and now I am wondering if it isn’t my Great dream after all.
I have been ill and have been forced to take it easy, silence and solitude can work wonders. I had felt like I was wasting time, wasting my GREAT dream. Time was passing and I was idle. I wasn’t finding and actually doing my passion! Illness forced me to BE STILL
So I am being gentle with myself. Not pushing as hard. Just being. Doing things I love. Like writing some. Making collage. Playing with my golden retrievers. Having coffee and talking with friends. About who we are and what we want. And discussing our GREAT dream . I am thinking my GREAT DREAM is now. To become the person I have always wanted to be. Serene. Humble. Loving. Kind. Doing the things I love. Being, really BEING with those I love. THAT is IT.

Insights

2009-10-08T09:25:00.000-05:00

It has been a week of much growth and many insights for me.
There are times I hold little minute pity parties because I have chronic illnesses and cannot do many of the activities I used to be able to enjoy. Like walking very far, hiking, dancing, gardening, working at my career of being a counselor and obedience training with my dogs.
Sometimes I have felt I am in limbo, waiting to be healthy again and return to my life.

But this week looking back, I realized I am living a full spirit led life!
Saturday night, my writing group did a poetry reading, that was so fun!

Sunday was my grandson’s first birthday party which also was a blast and so great to spend time with my loving family.

Monday and Tuesday I spent time with new and old friends whom I always learn from and gain so much support. We share new ideas and insight, which results in growth!

I belong to Golden Retriever Rescue and on Wed. I did an assessment of an eleven year old golden who is being surrendered by his lifetime owners. Tomorrow I will pick up this sweet pup, take him to the vet for a check up and treatment and then on to a foster home till he finds his new loving forever home.

This week was a week of sadness also as several deaths occurred in the lives of dear friends. My childhood best friend’s mother passed away and a friend of my dear friends who is close to my age died from a heart attack. I also found out that a former client of mine had died months ago and I never knew.
Besides being very sad, it was such a reminder to cherish each moment we have here, love and appreciate the people in your life and always be grateful for the gifts in your life!
Tonight is our favorite college team’s BIG GAME so we’ll eat chili and cheer on the Huskers!
Tomorrow I get to deliver that eleven year old golden retriever to his new life and Saturday I am attending a wonderful women’s workshop called The Feminine Soul!

Saturday is also my oldest daughter’s thirty- fifth birthday!!!! I will enjoy so many memories of bringing this gorgeous child/now woman and mother into the world. We will celebrate together sometime soon, as she will be spending her birthday cheering on her favorite hockey team!

As I look at this one week in my life, I see all the joy, insight, sharing and love I have experienced in just seven days!!!! Life is so good, regardless of whether I can run or not!!!

I hope you see all the learning moments in your week!!!!

2009-10-05T11:20:00.003-05:00

Today’s Thoughts

Wow, so much has been going on in the world and in my life, I haven’t had time to write or even know how to pick a subject to write about.

So many different activities have been going on, I’ve had to miss some in order to attend others.

A great workshop called I am Moonrise went on this weekend at Spring Creek Prairie and I had to miss that in order to participate in the poetry reading my Write Stuff group did at Deer Springs Winery. The reading was wonderful with five very good and different writers reading their work. Plus there was beautiful music courtesy of Randy and Pam Barger. My husband came to hear me read and the writers as well as the musicians inspired him. He used to play guitar and it made him miss it. We ended the evening with ice cream and it felt like we had been on a date.

Then Sunday I missed the reading of a play about domestic violence. It is written about the murder of Amanda, the daughter of a friend of mine. I was sorry I had to miss it and look forward to seeing the actual play. I am sure the play is very powerful and emotional!

But my reason for missing that reading was that it was my grandson Garrett’s FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!! It was so much fun and lots of family were there. We had a great time, and even though Garrett had a cold, he seemed to enjoy his day! Today is his actual birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GARRETT DANIEL!!!!

So today I am tired, sore but content. I am taking it easy, reading, writing and cuddling with my pups. I really don’t have much insightful to say except, Listen to your spirit and follow where it leads.

The Visualization

2009-09-27T19:53:00.002-05:00

I have been on vacation in the mountains so I thought a visualization I use for relaxation/destressing might be appropriate for this week.

Get in a comfortable position and let it roll:

I see a log cabin surrounded by pine and spruce. It sits in a mountain valley, which looks upon Long’s Peak and other thirteeners of the Continental Divide. The dry clean air is fresh with the scent of pine.

A mountain lake is within easy view of the large windows and porch of the cabin. Elk, deer, and even black bears are frequent visitors to this tranquil scene. Hummingbirds flit about the feeders that hang from the eaves. Bald eagles soar high above the firs.
Rocking chairs and a chaise with lots of comfy pillows line the porch for nighttime viewing of the stars as well as the gorgeous spiritual mountains during the day.

The cabin itself has a large soft caramel corduroy couch with plump cushions and big leather overstuffed chairs. A two-story riverstone fireplace takes up one wall and is perfect when warming the room on a cold night.
Cocoa and s’mores taste so delicious when sitting with your feet up on the giant leather ottoman.

For relaxation I can either lay on the porch chaise and gaze at the snowy peaks or relax on the soft couch hypnotized by the flames of the fire.

I close my eyes as soft music comes from the stereo and I relax every muscle in my body slowly, one at a time. I start at the top of my head, working down my neck, shoulders and hands. I picture a warm glowing light warming my body as it moves down, loosening all tenseness and stress, through my stomach, pelvis, hips and down my legs all the way through my feet. The scent of the forest and burning embers of the wood penetrate my nostrils. I feel my self reach a point of perfect calm and freedom from pain.

Above the music but softly, I can hear the voice of my Higher Power telling me I need to be gentle with myself. That it is OK to make mistakes. To learn new things and grow. To create and stretch myself as far as I want. To be with people who support and love me, Everything I need is assessable to me. Love. Comfort. Strength. I am enough, just the way I am.

The Journey

2009-09-20T09:15:00.000-05:00

Note: This week’s blog is about a subject where I feel very vulnerable and contains much pain for me. I debated about whether to post it or not. But decided to be brave and honest. I am not in anyway saying I am perfect by any means.

The poem by the incomparable Mary Oliver to the left of this blog speaks to me, as I know it speaks to thousands of people. But even more so this week. Thank You Mary Oliver.

As you may have noticed, if you are reading my blog, I have written or mentioned issues with my father. Family relationships are so complicated.
I know I am not alone in this! : )

I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. My dad is the alcoholic and my mom, until she found a self help program, was crazy and abusive. My mom would tell you this if she was still with us. She found a way to recover from the effects of alcoholism and made amends to her children. She and I were very close later in life. My mom died of an aneurysm three years ago. I miss her every day. But that is for another blog post.

My relationship with my father was much more complex. I am the eldest of four daughters. My dad was a jock and always wanted a son. He is also the alcoholic who was drunk until I was about thirty years old. He stopped drinking but never worked a recovery program. This is called being a dry drunk. The person is not drinking but continues all the unhealthy alcoholic behavior.

My dad’s abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal although there was some physical abuse in my adolescence. I too found a recovery program as a teenager and used the tools I gained there to cope with living with an alcoholic father.

It has worked much of the time but has still been very stressful dependent on my level of serenity and how hard I was working on myself. If I was using my recovery tools I did pretty well. That is until my mother died. Since my mom passed away, my father became even more negative, bitter and abusive. Even though he has since found a new relationship with a woman who lives with him and takes care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, nursing etc)
Recently, after a visit in which he was more vitriolic than usual, I broke. I hit the wall and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped talking to and visiting my father. I could no longer subject myself to his constant negative, vile and abusive onslaughts. This is very difficult for me. It has been a long process of guilt, pain and growth. I am to the point where I have to put my serenity and sanity above any kind of relationship with my father (if can you call a few hours a week of verbal abuse a “relationship”?).
I have many dear friends who are my support system (including my husband and daughters as well as my sisters) They have encouraged me to take care of myself and honor my spirit.

So back to The Journey. My father was the loudest voice screaming “mend me” I finally knew deep deep in my soul, the only choice I could make was to save myself. Painful as it is. There are people who will judge me. But those people do not know me or care about me. The people who love and know me say “Save yourself” and I will. One day at a time.

Getting Older

2009-09-14T13:46:00.001-05:00

With approximately seventy six million baby boomers hitting senior citizen status, there are many of us dealing with what growing older means.

Of course maintaining good health is a big topic in the media. Exercise, diets and all kinds of advertisements to stay looking young seem to pervade the airways.

I have several health issues. Some may have been preventable if I had eaten less junk earlier in my life and others weren’t. These health issues involve pain and have forced me to develop coping skills to reduce stress, like meditation and visualization. My health is my number one priority.

These health issues haven’t kept me from noticing how I am physically aging. Not only have I gained weight due to menopause and medications, but I am experiencing definite hair thinning which is both hereditary and also from medications. I am not Christie Brinkley. But am I still experiencing some grief over the loss of my beautiful hair and my young supple body.

I realize these are very superficial losses from aging. Not much different from the wrinkles and sagging that lead so many of us to Botox and plastic surgery. So everyday I say my Thank You’s for the body parts that still work. Especially those that don’t work as well as they used to. My sight, (with glasses) hearing, legs that can still walk though not as far and knees that bend, just more slowly.

Due to my health issues, I am no longer able to workout in the gym or power walk. I am currently making baby steps toward gaining back some of the muscle tone I have lost in the last three years of illness. Just less than four years ago I had firm muscles and most important, felt great health wise. How fast things can change. Please never take your health for granted. You may think you are immune because you eat healthy, work out, take supplements etc. I have talked to many, smug in their strong bodies. Believe me, illness can happen to anyone, organic vegetarian or McDonalds drive through aficionado. People in supposed good health have dropped dead on their daily run.

I am not saying you should live in fear of Death’s angry grasp but please don’t be so judgmental of those who have experienced the bad luck of a disease they didn’t ask for. Everyone who is ill deserves our empathy whether they are Michael J. Fox with Parkinson’s or someone with lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver. Death and aging happens to us all. So hopefully each of us says a big Thank You for every hour we are given.
But for the grace of God go I.

Reinventing Yourself or Finding Youself to Begin With

2009-09-06T13:29:00.002-05:00

The other day, I saw a repeat of Nora Ephron on The View from when Julie and Julia debuted and coincidentally I saw the movie this past weekend.
Nora said that Julia Child’s book came out when she was 50! She didn’t become THE Julia Child till after that!!!

How many of us think if we haven’t written a book by 50 or become a pilot or a scientist by 50, it is too late? I definitely have! Well, it’s not and we can.

As Nora Ephron said, women can reinvent themselves at this age or for many, find themselves at 50 (or any age for that matter)

For me personally, it’s a perfect time because my children are grown and gone off to live their own lives. My husband has his own hobbies and I am not working due to health issues. So I am thinking of reinventing myself or just finding myself again.

I am doing affirmations to tell myself I can do anything I want. I am good enough, smart enough (Are you thinking Stuart Smalley(or whatever his name was) from Saturday Night Live?) and I love myself!!!!

I deserve to treat myself with love, gentleness and care. After a very stressful weekend dealing with my very verbally abusive father, I was a mess. I felt beaten down and did not have the energy to build myself back up. I talked with good friends and my husband, who were nurturing to me when I felt I couldn’t be.

After writing my father a letter that I may or may not mail, I am feeling better. I am choosing to be very good to myself today. I am not going to talk to anyone today I don’t want to. I am going to get a special massage for people with Fibromyalgia and I did a wonderful meditation/relation exercise that I had found on line and it put me to sleep. I had my girlfriend Kelly paint “wild & precious” on my arm.

I don’t feel full of energy but I feel better. And I am going to keep being very loving and good to myself, one day at a time!

Looking At Yourself Honestly

2009-08-30T08:41:00.001-05:00

Just because I believe I am enough and OK just the way I am, does not mean I am not open to improving myself or looking in the mirror figuratively at what isn’t working and doing what I can to change it.

One of my character defects is reacting to other people. If someone else acts in a way toward me that isn’t nice or that I don’t like, I get bent out of shape, mood wise. I start obsessing about what that person’s problem was or what did I do to make them feel that way?

Apparently, I assume everyone should like me! Well, why not? I am a likable sweet loving person! Who wouldn’t like me? Well, apparently a few people. : ) I occasionally have to have a talk with myself and explain that there are millions of people in the world. Thousands have actually met me and some MAY NOT CARE FOR ME! I just may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I do tend to talk a lot, I do have a definite golden retriever obsession as well as some very strong opinions about breastfeeding, alcoholism and a few other subjects. In some areas, I may turn some people off.

So when someone says something nasty to me (even uncalled for) or when my husband is in a bad mood and makes a grouchy face or statement, I need to tell myself: “Oh well” or “ Guess they are having a bad day” or “Not my problem” . Because it really isn’t my problem. It has nothing to do with me and I don’t have to let their mood ruin my day. They are responsible for themselves. And I am responsible for me. : )

Now if someone is rude or says something I think shouldn’t just get a bye, I can choose to tell them. But I need to think that through first. It can start an argument so I need to make sure I want to go there. I can use ” I “statements, like “I am hurt by that” Or “That was rude and I don’t have to tolerate that kind of treatment”

Another part of reacting to other’s negative behaviors is thinking that means something is wrong with me. OK, here we are again. Back to being enough. Isn’t it just weird and interesting how most things seem to come back to that?

When I look at my part in an interaction with another person that didn’t go the way I wanted, I need to very honestly look at:

1) Did my behavior have any part in how they acted toward me? Was I being rude, selfish, etc?

2) If I truly think I had no part in how they acted, then I need to LET IT GO. It’s on them. Their stuff and really has nothing to do with me. I am enough and OK just the way I am. : )

Having Enough

2009-08-23T10:04:00.001-05:00

I have been clearing out, purging the house, of STUFF. Stuff I don’t need, don’t use, have held on to because some day I might wear it , use it or need it? Don’t think so.
I was feeling confined, stuck, and constricted .So out went clothes I hadn’t worn in the last year, piles of shoes (EECK!), and all kinds of Tupperware and nontupperware (butter containers). Junk, like a heart shaped wafflemaker I maybe used once a year (GUESS!) roller blades that belonged to my older daughters, now moved out on their own for twelve years! Most precious of all: BOOKS.
I am a compulsive book reader and buyer. So I had amassed bookcases and stacks of books. Hundreds to go through and sort. Do I want this book? Is it one I read over and over? (I do that) A Keep and Treasure pile and an It GOES pile.
So it all went to Goodwill and the books to the library! Whew! That feels good.

It opened up space. Not only in my house but also in my head and soul. Opened me up for new good things to come into my life. Precious gifts from Spirit. Health. Creativity. Humility. Love.

I am not waiting with bated breath. I am living with intention. I see the brilliant beautiful smile of my grandson Grant whose four-year-old face just GLOWS! I enjoy the beauty of each luscious barely opened blossom on my David Austin roses. My breath sucks in at the sight of the first Monarch butterfly to visit my garden this summer. Cuddling with my soft silky goldens destresses me in five minutes.

I have gratitude. Everyday I say or offer up thank you’s for this rich life I have been blessed to hold. Thank you for these scrambled eggs. Thank you for my good friends who I can call when the road gets hazy. Thank you for my three beautiful daughters who always bring me joy. Thank you for a husband/partner who supports me in many ways. Thank you for this comfortable home where thoughts, prayers and dreams can manifest!

Today I have enough and life is good.

2009-08-17T20:20:00.002-05:00

The Caretaker

Most women are the caretakers. We are the ones who not only do all that is involved in raising children to become healthy responsible adults (if I listed it all, this blog would go on long enough to become a book!) but we also care take our life partners, our aging parents, and the dogs/cats/gerbils etc living in our homes. We once had two adults, three daughters, two golden retrievers (one of which often had grand mal seizures involving urine spraying like a sprinkler in the middle of the night.) two white rats, a hamster named Freddie and an iguana named Igor living in one small ranch home at the same time. Yes, that was a run on sentence, in all its glory!

Then add on a full time job, keeping a home: grocery shopping, creating meals, vacuuming, dusting, laundry for an entire family, clothing said family, carpooling to soccer, dance lessons, piano lessons, PTA, girl scouts and hundreds of sleepovers/birthday parties. Then add doctor’s and dentist’s appointments plus taking time off work when the kids are ill or caught lice from someone in their classroom.

When I look back, I wonder where the energy came from! I have a feeling I was running on borrowed time and energy that is paying me back NOW with
Fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome = constant pain everywhere. I ran until I was forced to LIE DOWN. I am not the kind of person who takes lying down easily either. I hate to feel useless, worthless, lazy or generally that I am being a slacker.

What am I supposed to be learning from this? That is what I have been asking myself the last two years while I have been in denial of my health issues. I have had to beat my head against the wall many times thinking I could still work, that I could still hike or even walk around a supersize supermarket by myself.

I now know I need to take care of MYSELF. This is difficult for a caretaker. I didn’t feel I deserved to be taken care of, even by myself! I thought I was being selfish! I was worried what others would say about me.
But reading blogs about loving yourself, working with the great Martha Beck and reading some wonderful self help books such as The Women’s Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden which I used with my clients when I was still working as a counselor.

It is a slow process. Martha Beck says we learn things slowly, turtle steps.
I try to remember to pace myself. I pick up dog poop in the back yard and then I rest. I load the dishwasher and then I take a nap. I eat a fresh peach or make myself a strawberry smoothie. I cuddle my goldens. I do my stretches for these aching muscles. I say The Serenity Prayer over and over.
For those who don’t know it:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.

It is a stress reducer and lifesaver. It works. One day at a time.

So caretakers out there. Learn from my experience. Take care of yourself NOW. A few minutes at a time. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths. Picture your favorite place in the world or your best memory. Allow your muscles to relax. Let go. Whatever it is; the hockey game, the dirty dishes, or the book report your ten-year-old is supposed hand in tomorrow. It will wait ten minutes. So have a decaf mocha or a fresh peach and pet your dog.
You deserve it.

Nurture Yourself

2009-08-14T12:24:00.002-05:00

As a substance abuse counselor for twenty - eight years I worked with hundreds of women who needed to nurture themselves.
Needed to appreciate who they were. A beautiful person with so many unique qualities!
These women had spent years hating themselves and filling that hate hole with alcohol/drugs and many other self hating behaviors.

When they came to treatment, besides stopping the use of alcohol or drugs , they needed to learn to do something else. Something positive to take care of themselves and live a richer full life!
As a counselor, I have used this exercise to teach my clients to nurture themselves after I first developed and used it for myself.

Think of your five senses.
Taste,
Smell,
Touch,
Hearing and
Sight.

Then think of different things that nurture you in each of these areas.
List them. Here is my current list

Lavender, Salvia, Catmint and Russian Sage in my garden

The smell of roasting coffee beans.

Sitting in Rocky Mountain National Park in autumn watching the elk rut, hearing them bugle.

Th Eagles singing “Desperado” or anything for that matter.

The clean dry pine air, the beautiful gold of the aspens.

Snuggling with my golden retrievers.

The smell of Noxema

Having a slumber party with my three daughters, watching our favorite movie “When Harry Met Sally”

The smell and sight of lilacs from my deck

Rocking out to Night Moves by Bob Seger while driving

A Mocha Grande with one of my girlfriends

Heavenly Blue Morning Glories

Floating in the warm gulf waters

Reading “The Velveteen Rabbit”

Lying on a blanket at the foot of Long’s Peak

Driving down I 80 in my Jeep in Spring, seeing Bald Eagles perched on dead trees by the Platte and cranes in the fields

Taking my golden retrievers to Wilderness Park and Estes Park Dog Park

Sight and smell of my own David Austin Roses in a vase or in the garden

Watching tapes of Michael Jordan at his peak, as well as Joe Montana.

Watching college football in the fall.

Chocolate mint pie at Tico’s.

Reading “The Night Before Christmas”

Dinner with my husband at Misty’s, one of our favorite restaurants eating their shrimp bisque, fried shrimp and baked potato

My comfy leather couch and a good novel by a favorite author

Sitting by the fire in the Estes cabin.

Reading to my grandsons or cuddling a grandbaby

Listening to Michael Buble sing “Home”

Reading “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown

Clean 1000TC sheets in my own bed.

Now make your own list. Put it where you will see it every day. Read it. You will feel better.

Being Enough

2009-08-13T13:46:00.001-05:00

I wrote my very first post for my new blog. I was thoughtful, and nervous, with butterflies running wild and loose under my skin. I was careful of how I was going to word my thoughts, afraid I wouldn't be grammatically correct or that I would sound ignorant or uninteresting.

And then I realized why I am writing a blog to begin with. There are so many girls/ young women/middle aged and older women like me who are too careful, too worried about how they look, what they say, afraid to make a mistake.
I am here to say. You are OK. You are wonderful, and beautiful and creative just the way you are. We need to learn to love ourselves. Accept ourselves, body, mind, spirit.
There is no such thing as a perfect person. We are all human and therefore we make mistakes, screw up, say stupid things, all the time!! You are enough!!!

So I wrote my first blog. and while trying to navigate, attempting to post pictures, add links and other gadgets this site holds, my post was lost! I thought I saved it but it is no where to be found!
My beautiful , carefully thought out words are gone. So here is what I have rewritten.
In all it's humanness. My first / no, second blog post. Now I need a rest!