The Journey

Note: This week’s blog is about a subject where I feel very vulnerable and contains much pain for me. I debated about whether to post it or not. But decided to be brave and honest. I am not in anyway saying I am perfect by any means.


The poem by the incomparable Mary Oliver to the left of this blog speaks to me, as I know it speaks to thousands of people. But even more so this week. Thank You Mary Oliver.

As you may have noticed, if you are reading my blog, I have written or mentioned issues with my father. Family relationships are so complicated.
I know I am not alone in this! : )

I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. My dad is the alcoholic and my mom, until she found a self help program, was crazy and abusive. My mom would tell you this if she was still with us. She found a way to recover from the effects of alcoholism and made amends to her children. She and I were very close later in life. My mom died of an aneurysm three years ago. I miss her every day. But that is for another blog post.

My relationship with my father was much more complex. I am the eldest of four daughters. My dad was a jock and always wanted a son. He is also the alcoholic who was drunk until I was about thirty years old. He stopped drinking but never worked a recovery program. This is called being a dry drunk. The person is not drinking but continues all the unhealthy alcoholic behavior.

My dad’s abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal although there was some physical abuse in my adolescence. I too found a recovery program as a teenager and used the tools I gained there to cope with living with an alcoholic father.

It has worked much of the time but has still been very stressful dependent on my level of serenity and how hard I was working on myself. If I was using my recovery tools I did pretty well. That is until my mother died. Since my mom passed away, my father became even more negative, bitter and abusive. Even though he has since found a new relationship with a woman who lives with him and takes care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, nursing etc)
Recently, after a visit in which he was more vitriolic than usual, I broke. I hit the wall and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped talking to and visiting my father. I could no longer subject myself to his constant negative, vile and abusive onslaughts. This is very difficult for me. It has been a long process of guilt, pain and growth. I am to the point where I have to put my serenity and sanity above any kind of relationship with my father (if can you call a few hours a week of verbal abuse a “relationship”?).
I have many dear friends who are my support system (including my husband and daughters as well as my sisters) They have encouraged me to take care of myself and honor my spirit.

So back to The Journey. My father was the loudest voice screaming “mend me” I finally knew deep deep in my soul, the only choice I could make was to save myself. Painful as it is. There are people who will judge me. But those people do not know me or care about me. The people who love and know me say “Save yourself” and I will. One day at a time.