Equal Billing

For over thirty years I have seen my husband as some kind of Superman. I know he’s not perfect (believe me, I live with the man! LOL!) but he has always seemed somehow invincible. He is very confident, knowledgeable and always willing to find out how to do something if he didn’t know before hand. He is a hard worker, strong physically as well as emotionally and his values are to always be there for his family.
On the other hand, I have been less confident. If I know something well and feel comfortable in that knowledge, I am OK. But if it is something where I carry any doubt, my history has been to give up, feel like a failure, allow someone else to do it. My husband has always been supportive of me and very patient in encouraging me to take risks, be patient with myself and not be afraid to make mistakes while learning.
I believe we are both of pretty equal intelligence but my conditioning from childhood (I witnessed my mom do this my entire life) was to give my husband the lead. We always have made decisions together but I saw myself over the years giving way to his opinion many times, not trusting my own judgement, unless it was an area of my expertise (like parenting or counseling).

I find this interesting since I also had my father on a pedestal as a child, even though he let me down many times.  Looking back I wanted my father to rescue me from my abusive mother but because he was a practicing alcoholic, he was unable or unwilling to do that. When I got older, I was able to accept my father as a human being with faults. But I thought I had learned never to depend on a man, or to stop looking for Prince Charming to rescue or take care of me.
I guess I had the Cinderella Complex (I think this is from the seventies!) and even though on the outside I projected a confident wife, mother and career woman, inside I always doubted being good enough, smart enough, etc.

Unlike my father, my husband also lived up to my expectations of him. His decisions were practical, logical and proved sound and right almost one hundred percent of the time. He projects an all together strong persona even though he is also a person willing to share feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, he’s a true renaissance man!

That was until my husband suffered a heart attack at age fifty-two four years ago. He had surgery and has recovered fully but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact my husband is human and as vulnerable as any of us.
And because we are approaching sixty (!)  I am much more aware of our mortality.  Days when he comes home from work and is more tired and sore than he used to be brings that home even more to me.
But in many ways this has been good for me/us. I now see us more as equal. I no longer feel like the weak link in our coupledom.  We both have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are partners, in this together. I trust my insight and opinions more and I know he appreciates (at least most of the time) not feeling he is carrying a majority of the load.  Now that our children are adults with families of their own, I see my husband and I more as both independent, strong (mentally and emotionally) individuals as well as balanced united partners for the rest of our lives. It’s a joyful freedom I now embrace.