What is your GREAT Dream?
Do you have a GREAT dream? Something you have always wanted to do, or be or make?
The dream you have always been afraid to say aloud. The dream you didn't even realize WAS a dream maybe. Just a foggy feeling in your heart or gut.
Maybe it’s something you wanted to do or be as a child and let it go, like a helium balloon we somehow let escape from our fingers, that floated up, up to the clouds and out of sight.
Or maybe you are older now and have felt a tugging, an urge to do something. But you are afraid. Afraid of failure. Or maybe even success.
Because if you did succeed, THEN what would you do? You’d have to follow through, right? Or not.
Or maybe you are afraid people will think you are stupid, or your idea is dumb, or whatever it is will be ugly. That no one will want it. Or that there really is no way for you to succeed or for the dream to come true. So you bury it and don’t speak of it. Or even acknowledge the dream exists.
I have had many dreams. Some have come true. (To marry and be a mother) Some I chose not to follow. Like becoming a veterinarian and running a homeless dog ranch. (That was my dream as a twelve -year old)
At nineteen, I wanted to become a counselor, so I worked, searched out resources, went to college and became a counselor. For thirty years. But it really wasn’t my GREAT dream.
I also always loved to write poetry. I have since studied, written and had my poetry published. When anyone would push me to submit more, I balked. I thought I had writer’s block. I realize now, it wasn’t my great dream.
Then when my friend wrote a book and had it published, I thought ”That has been my dream!” To write a book. So I have been writing off and on (more off) and now I am wondering if it isn’t my Great dream after all.
I have been ill and have been forced to take it easy, silence and solitude can work wonders. I had felt like I was wasting time, wasting my GREAT dream. Time was passing and I was idle. I wasn’t finding and actually doing my passion! Illness forced me to BE STILL
So I am being gentle with myself. Not pushing as hard. Just being. Doing things I love. Like writing some. Making collage. Playing with my golden retrievers. Having coffee and talking with friends. About who we are and what we want. And discussing our GREAT dream . I am thinking my GREAT DREAM is now. To become the person I have always wanted to be. Serene. Humble. Loving. Kind. Doing the things I love. Being, really BEING with those I love. THAT is IT.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Insights
It has been a week of much growth and many insights for me.
There are times I hold little minute pity parties because I have chronic illnesses and cannot do many of the activities I used to be able to enjoy. Like walking very far, hiking, dancing, gardening, working at my career of being a counselor and obedience training with my dogs.
Sometimes I have felt I am in limbo, waiting to be healthy again and return to my life.
But this week looking back, I realized I am living a full spirit led life!
Saturday night, my writing group did a poetry reading, that was so fun!
Sunday was my grandson’s first birthday party which also was a blast and so great to spend time with my loving family.
Monday and Tuesday I spent time with new and old friends whom I always learn from and gain so much support. We share new ideas and insight, which results in growth!
I belong to Golden Retriever Rescue and on Wed. I did an assessment of an eleven year old golden who is being surrendered by his lifetime owners. Tomorrow I will pick up this sweet pup, take him to the vet for a check up and treatment and then on to a foster home till he finds his new loving forever home.
This week was a week of sadness also as several deaths occurred in the lives of dear friends. My childhood best friend’s mother passed away and a friend of my dear friends who is close to my age died from a heart attack. I also found out that a former client of mine had died months ago and I never knew.
Besides being very sad, it was such a reminder to cherish each moment we have here, love and appreciate the people in your life and always be grateful for the gifts in your life!
Tonight is our favorite college team’s BIG GAME so we’ll eat chili and cheer on the Huskers!
Tomorrow I get to deliver that eleven year old golden retriever to his new life and Saturday I am attending a wonderful women’s workshop called The Feminine Soul!
Saturday is also my oldest daughter’s thirty- fifth birthday!!!! I will enjoy so many memories of bringing this gorgeous child/now woman and mother into the world. We will celebrate together sometime soon, as she will be spending her birthday cheering on her favorite hockey team!
As I look at this one week in my life, I see all the joy, insight, sharing and love I have experienced in just seven days!!!! Life is so good, regardless of whether I can run or not!!!
I hope you see all the learning moments in your week!!!!
There are times I hold little minute pity parties because I have chronic illnesses and cannot do many of the activities I used to be able to enjoy. Like walking very far, hiking, dancing, gardening, working at my career of being a counselor and obedience training with my dogs.
Sometimes I have felt I am in limbo, waiting to be healthy again and return to my life.
But this week looking back, I realized I am living a full spirit led life!
Saturday night, my writing group did a poetry reading, that was so fun!
Sunday was my grandson’s first birthday party which also was a blast and so great to spend time with my loving family.
Monday and Tuesday I spent time with new and old friends whom I always learn from and gain so much support. We share new ideas and insight, which results in growth!
I belong to Golden Retriever Rescue and on Wed. I did an assessment of an eleven year old golden who is being surrendered by his lifetime owners. Tomorrow I will pick up this sweet pup, take him to the vet for a check up and treatment and then on to a foster home till he finds his new loving forever home.
This week was a week of sadness also as several deaths occurred in the lives of dear friends. My childhood best friend’s mother passed away and a friend of my dear friends who is close to my age died from a heart attack. I also found out that a former client of mine had died months ago and I never knew.
Besides being very sad, it was such a reminder to cherish each moment we have here, love and appreciate the people in your life and always be grateful for the gifts in your life!
Tonight is our favorite college team’s BIG GAME so we’ll eat chili and cheer on the Huskers!
Tomorrow I get to deliver that eleven year old golden retriever to his new life and Saturday I am attending a wonderful women’s workshop called The Feminine Soul!
Saturday is also my oldest daughter’s thirty- fifth birthday!!!! I will enjoy so many memories of bringing this gorgeous child/now woman and mother into the world. We will celebrate together sometime soon, as she will be spending her birthday cheering on her favorite hockey team!
As I look at this one week in my life, I see all the joy, insight, sharing and love I have experienced in just seven days!!!! Life is so good, regardless of whether I can run or not!!!
I hope you see all the learning moments in your week!!!!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Today’s Thoughts
Wow, so much has been going on in the world and in my life, I haven’t had time to write or even know how to pick a subject to write about.
So many different activities have been going on, I’ve had to miss some in order to attend others.
A great workshop called I am Moonrise went on this weekend at Spring Creek Prairie and I had to miss that in order to participate in the poetry reading my Write Stuff group did at Deer Springs Winery. The reading was wonderful with five very good and different writers reading their work. Plus there was beautiful music courtesy of Randy and Pam Barger. My husband came to hear me read and the writers as well as the musicians inspired him. He used to play guitar and it made him miss it. We ended the evening with ice cream and it felt like we had been on a date.
Then Sunday I missed the reading of a play about domestic violence. It is written about the murder of Amanda, the daughter of a friend of mine. I was sorry I had to miss it and look forward to seeing the actual play. I am sure the play is very powerful and emotional!
But my reason for missing that reading was that it was my grandson Garrett’s FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!! It was so much fun and lots of family were there. We had a great time, and even though Garrett had a cold, he seemed to enjoy his day! Today is his actual birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GARRETT DANIEL!!!!
So today I am tired, sore but content. I am taking it easy, reading, writing and cuddling with my pups. I really don’t have much insightful to say except, Listen to your spirit and follow where it leads.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
The Visualization
I have been on vacation in the mountains so I thought a visualization I use for relaxation/destressing might be appropriate for this week.
Get in a comfortable position and let it roll:
I see a log cabin surrounded by pine and spruce. It sits in a mountain valley, which looks upon Long’s Peak and other thirteeners of the Continental Divide. The dry clean air is fresh with the scent of pine.
A mountain lake is within easy view of the large windows and porch of the cabin. Elk, deer, and even black bears are frequent visitors to this tranquil scene. Hummingbirds flit about the feeders that hang from the eaves. Bald eagles soar high above the firs.
Rocking chairs and a chaise with lots of comfy pillows line the porch for nighttime viewing of the stars as well as the gorgeous spiritual mountains during the day.
The cabin itself has a large soft caramel corduroy couch with plump cushions and big leather overstuffed chairs. A two-story riverstone fireplace takes up one wall and is perfect when warming the room on a cold night.
Cocoa and s’mores taste so delicious when sitting with your feet up on the giant leather ottoman.
For relaxation I can either lay on the porch chaise and gaze at the snowy peaks or relax on the soft couch hypnotized by the flames of the fire.
I close my eyes as soft music comes from the stereo and I relax every muscle in my body slowly, one at a time. I start at the top of my head, working down my neck, shoulders and hands. I picture a warm glowing light warming my body as it moves down, loosening all tenseness and stress, through my stomach, pelvis, hips and down my legs all the way through my feet. The scent of the forest and burning embers of the wood penetrate my nostrils. I feel my self reach a point of perfect calm and freedom from pain.
Above the music but softly, I can hear the voice of my Higher Power telling me I need to be gentle with myself. That it is OK to make mistakes. To learn new things and grow. To create and stretch myself as far as I want. To be with people who support and love me, Everything I need is assessable to me. Love. Comfort. Strength. I am enough, just the way I am.
Get in a comfortable position and let it roll:
I see a log cabin surrounded by pine and spruce. It sits in a mountain valley, which looks upon Long’s Peak and other thirteeners of the Continental Divide. The dry clean air is fresh with the scent of pine.
A mountain lake is within easy view of the large windows and porch of the cabin. Elk, deer, and even black bears are frequent visitors to this tranquil scene. Hummingbirds flit about the feeders that hang from the eaves. Bald eagles soar high above the firs.
Rocking chairs and a chaise with lots of comfy pillows line the porch for nighttime viewing of the stars as well as the gorgeous spiritual mountains during the day.
The cabin itself has a large soft caramel corduroy couch with plump cushions and big leather overstuffed chairs. A two-story riverstone fireplace takes up one wall and is perfect when warming the room on a cold night.
Cocoa and s’mores taste so delicious when sitting with your feet up on the giant leather ottoman.
For relaxation I can either lay on the porch chaise and gaze at the snowy peaks or relax on the soft couch hypnotized by the flames of the fire.
I close my eyes as soft music comes from the stereo and I relax every muscle in my body slowly, one at a time. I start at the top of my head, working down my neck, shoulders and hands. I picture a warm glowing light warming my body as it moves down, loosening all tenseness and stress, through my stomach, pelvis, hips and down my legs all the way through my feet. The scent of the forest and burning embers of the wood penetrate my nostrils. I feel my self reach a point of perfect calm and freedom from pain.
Above the music but softly, I can hear the voice of my Higher Power telling me I need to be gentle with myself. That it is OK to make mistakes. To learn new things and grow. To create and stretch myself as far as I want. To be with people who support and love me, Everything I need is assessable to me. Love. Comfort. Strength. I am enough, just the way I am.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
The Journey
Note: This week’s blog is about a subject where I feel very vulnerable and contains much pain for me. I debated about whether to post it or not. But decided to be brave and honest. I am not in anyway saying I am perfect by any means.
The poem by the incomparable Mary Oliver to the left of this blog speaks to me, as I know it speaks to thousands of people. But even more so this week. Thank You Mary Oliver.
As you may have noticed, if you are reading my blog, I have written or mentioned issues with my father. Family relationships are so complicated.
I know I am not alone in this! : )
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. My dad is the alcoholic and my mom, until she found a self help program, was crazy and abusive. My mom would tell you this if she was still with us. She found a way to recover from the effects of alcoholism and made amends to her children. She and I were very close later in life. My mom died of an aneurysm three years ago. I miss her every day. But that is for another blog post.
My relationship with my father was much more complex. I am the eldest of four daughters. My dad was a jock and always wanted a son. He is also the alcoholic who was drunk until I was about thirty years old. He stopped drinking but never worked a recovery program. This is called being a dry drunk. The person is not drinking but continues all the unhealthy alcoholic behavior.
My dad’s abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal although there was some physical abuse in my adolescence. I too found a recovery program as a teenager and used the tools I gained there to cope with living with an alcoholic father.
It has worked much of the time but has still been very stressful dependent on my level of serenity and how hard I was working on myself. If I was using my recovery tools I did pretty well. That is until my mother died. Since my mom passed away, my father became even more negative, bitter and abusive. Even though he has since found a new relationship with a woman who lives with him and takes care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, nursing etc)
Recently, after a visit in which he was more vitriolic than usual, I broke. I hit the wall and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped talking to and visiting my father. I could no longer subject myself to his constant negative, vile and abusive onslaughts. This is very difficult for me. It has been a long process of guilt, pain and growth. I am to the point where I have to put my serenity and sanity above any kind of relationship with my father (if can you call a few hours a week of verbal abuse a “relationship”?).
I have many dear friends who are my support system (including my husband and daughters as well as my sisters) They have encouraged me to take care of myself and honor my spirit.
So back to The Journey. My father was the loudest voice screaming “mend me” I finally knew deep deep in my soul, the only choice I could make was to save myself. Painful as it is. There are people who will judge me. But those people do not know me or care about me. The people who love and know me say “Save yourself” and I will. One day at a time.
The poem by the incomparable Mary Oliver to the left of this blog speaks to me, as I know it speaks to thousands of people. But even more so this week. Thank You Mary Oliver.
As you may have noticed, if you are reading my blog, I have written or mentioned issues with my father. Family relationships are so complicated.
I know I am not alone in this! : )
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. My dad is the alcoholic and my mom, until she found a self help program, was crazy and abusive. My mom would tell you this if she was still with us. She found a way to recover from the effects of alcoholism and made amends to her children. She and I were very close later in life. My mom died of an aneurysm three years ago. I miss her every day. But that is for another blog post.
My relationship with my father was much more complex. I am the eldest of four daughters. My dad was a jock and always wanted a son. He is also the alcoholic who was drunk until I was about thirty years old. He stopped drinking but never worked a recovery program. This is called being a dry drunk. The person is not drinking but continues all the unhealthy alcoholic behavior.
My dad’s abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal although there was some physical abuse in my adolescence. I too found a recovery program as a teenager and used the tools I gained there to cope with living with an alcoholic father.
It has worked much of the time but has still been very stressful dependent on my level of serenity and how hard I was working on myself. If I was using my recovery tools I did pretty well. That is until my mother died. Since my mom passed away, my father became even more negative, bitter and abusive. Even though he has since found a new relationship with a woman who lives with him and takes care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, nursing etc)
Recently, after a visit in which he was more vitriolic than usual, I broke. I hit the wall and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped talking to and visiting my father. I could no longer subject myself to his constant negative, vile and abusive onslaughts. This is very difficult for me. It has been a long process of guilt, pain and growth. I am to the point where I have to put my serenity and sanity above any kind of relationship with my father (if can you call a few hours a week of verbal abuse a “relationship”?).
I have many dear friends who are my support system (including my husband and daughters as well as my sisters) They have encouraged me to take care of myself and honor my spirit.
So back to The Journey. My father was the loudest voice screaming “mend me” I finally knew deep deep in my soul, the only choice I could make was to save myself. Painful as it is. There are people who will judge me. But those people do not know me or care about me. The people who love and know me say “Save yourself” and I will. One day at a time.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Getting Older
With approximately seventy six million baby boomers hitting senior citizen status, there are many of us dealing with what growing older means.
Of course maintaining good health is a big topic in the media. Exercise, diets and all kinds of advertisements to stay looking young seem to pervade the airways.
I have several health issues. Some may have been preventable if I had eaten less junk earlier in my life and others weren’t. These health issues involve pain and have forced me to develop coping skills to reduce stress, like meditation and visualization. My health is my number one priority.
These health issues haven’t kept me from noticing how I am physically aging. Not only have I gained weight due to menopause and medications, but I am experiencing definite hair thinning which is both hereditary and also from medications. I am not Christie Brinkley. But am I still experiencing some grief over the loss of my beautiful hair and my young supple body.
I realize these are very superficial losses from aging. Not much different from the wrinkles and sagging that lead so many of us to Botox and plastic surgery. So everyday I say my Thank You’s for the body parts that still work. Especially those that don’t work as well as they used to. My sight, (with glasses) hearing, legs that can still walk though not as far and knees that bend, just more slowly.
Due to my health issues, I am no longer able to workout in the gym or power walk. I am currently making baby steps toward gaining back some of the muscle tone I have lost in the last three years of illness. Just less than four years ago I had firm muscles and most important, felt great health wise. How fast things can change. Please never take your health for granted. You may think you are immune because you eat healthy, work out, take supplements etc. I have talked to many, smug in their strong bodies. Believe me, illness can happen to anyone, organic vegetarian or McDonalds drive through aficionado. People in supposed good health have dropped dead on their daily run.
I am not saying you should live in fear of Death’s angry grasp but please don’t be so judgmental of those who have experienced the bad luck of a disease they didn’t ask for. Everyone who is ill deserves our empathy whether they are Michael J. Fox with Parkinson’s or someone with lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver. Death and aging happens to us all. So hopefully each of us says a big Thank You for every hour we are given.
But for the grace of God go I.
Of course maintaining good health is a big topic in the media. Exercise, diets and all kinds of advertisements to stay looking young seem to pervade the airways.
I have several health issues. Some may have been preventable if I had eaten less junk earlier in my life and others weren’t. These health issues involve pain and have forced me to develop coping skills to reduce stress, like meditation and visualization. My health is my number one priority.
These health issues haven’t kept me from noticing how I am physically aging. Not only have I gained weight due to menopause and medications, but I am experiencing definite hair thinning which is both hereditary and also from medications. I am not Christie Brinkley. But am I still experiencing some grief over the loss of my beautiful hair and my young supple body.
I realize these are very superficial losses from aging. Not much different from the wrinkles and sagging that lead so many of us to Botox and plastic surgery. So everyday I say my Thank You’s for the body parts that still work. Especially those that don’t work as well as they used to. My sight, (with glasses) hearing, legs that can still walk though not as far and knees that bend, just more slowly.
Due to my health issues, I am no longer able to workout in the gym or power walk. I am currently making baby steps toward gaining back some of the muscle tone I have lost in the last three years of illness. Just less than four years ago I had firm muscles and most important, felt great health wise. How fast things can change. Please never take your health for granted. You may think you are immune because you eat healthy, work out, take supplements etc. I have talked to many, smug in their strong bodies. Believe me, illness can happen to anyone, organic vegetarian or McDonalds drive through aficionado. People in supposed good health have dropped dead on their daily run.
I am not saying you should live in fear of Death’s angry grasp but please don’t be so judgmental of those who have experienced the bad luck of a disease they didn’t ask for. Everyone who is ill deserves our empathy whether they are Michael J. Fox with Parkinson’s or someone with lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver. Death and aging happens to us all. So hopefully each of us says a big Thank You for every hour we are given.
But for the grace of God go I.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Reinventing Yourself or Finding Youself to Begin With
The other day, I saw a repeat of Nora Ephron on The View from when Julie and Julia debuted and coincidentally I saw the movie this past weekend.
Nora said that Julia Child’s book came out when she was 50! She didn’t become THE Julia Child till after that!!!
How many of us think if we haven’t written a book by 50 or become a pilot or a scientist by 50, it is too late? I definitely have! Well, it’s not and we can.
As Nora Ephron said, women can reinvent themselves at this age or for many, find themselves at 50 (or any age for that matter)
For me personally, it’s a perfect time because my children are grown and gone off to live their own lives. My husband has his own hobbies and I am not working due to health issues. So I am thinking of reinventing myself or just finding myself again.
I am doing affirmations to tell myself I can do anything I want. I am good enough, smart enough (Are you thinking Stuart Smalley(or whatever his name was) from Saturday Night Live?) and I love myself!!!!
I deserve to treat myself with love, gentleness and care. After a very stressful weekend dealing with my very verbally abusive father, I was a mess. I felt beaten down and did not have the energy to build myself back up. I talked with good friends and my husband, who were nurturing to me when I felt I couldn’t be.
After writing my father a letter that I may or may not mail, I am feeling better. I am choosing to be very good to myself today. I am not going to talk to anyone today I don’t want to. I am going to get a special massage for people with Fibromyalgia and I did a wonderful meditation/relation exercise that I had found on line and it put me to sleep. I had my girlfriend Kelly paint “wild & precious” on my arm.
I don’t feel full of energy but I feel better. And I am going to keep being very loving and good to myself, one day at a time!
Nora said that Julia Child’s book came out when she was 50! She didn’t become THE Julia Child till after that!!!
How many of us think if we haven’t written a book by 50 or become a pilot or a scientist by 50, it is too late? I definitely have! Well, it’s not and we can.
As Nora Ephron said, women can reinvent themselves at this age or for many, find themselves at 50 (or any age for that matter)
For me personally, it’s a perfect time because my children are grown and gone off to live their own lives. My husband has his own hobbies and I am not working due to health issues. So I am thinking of reinventing myself or just finding myself again.
I am doing affirmations to tell myself I can do anything I want. I am good enough, smart enough (Are you thinking Stuart Smalley(or whatever his name was) from Saturday Night Live?) and I love myself!!!!
I deserve to treat myself with love, gentleness and care. After a very stressful weekend dealing with my very verbally abusive father, I was a mess. I felt beaten down and did not have the energy to build myself back up. I talked with good friends and my husband, who were nurturing to me when I felt I couldn’t be.
After writing my father a letter that I may or may not mail, I am feeling better. I am choosing to be very good to myself today. I am not going to talk to anyone today I don’t want to. I am going to get a special massage for people with Fibromyalgia and I did a wonderful meditation/relation exercise that I had found on line and it put me to sleep. I had my girlfriend Kelly paint “wild & precious” on my arm.
I don’t feel full of energy but I feel better. And I am going to keep being very loving and good to myself, one day at a time!
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