Eating Issues in the U.S.

The First Lady and many others have taken on obesity in the U.S. as their cause. They all have good intentions but like every other issue in this country they are applying Band-Aids rather than addressing the issue within our society.

Yes, many people are obese and many (especially young girls) have the opposite issue, anorexia and bulimia. It goes WAY beyond what we put in our mouths or don’t. I have experienced all those issues.

That problem for me was a hole within myself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t OK just the way I was: an intelligent creative person.  All magazines and TV said I needed a certain diet, make up, haircut, outfit to be worthy.  In spite of myself, I managed to have a career, marry, raise children and now enjoy my “retirement”.   I do though have many health issues, some related to the hole within myself because I stuffed/or denied food all those years.

I am not alone. I see it everywhere. Whether an overweight compulsive eater in line at McDonalds or an emaciated teenager at a local boutique or a “normal” looking forty something telling her five year old she can’t have an ice cream cone because she doesn’t want to be fat and ugly!

I have seen an acquaintance chastise her daughter at work parties over the years about food. She controlled everything this poor kid put in her mouth. “That’s enough potato salad for you!” or “No dessert for you!” I saw this poor girl go from a normal healthy 5-year-old to a 400 pound twenty something. I am not saying you should allow your kids free reign or constant candy and junk. I believe it is all about moderation in what is offered but most of all we as a society need to break the cycle.

I don’t have all the answers. Much in our society is broken with all the drug addiction, alcoholism, shopping, hoarding, gambling, sex addiction and of course eating issues.

Yes, we can do as many suggest. Get more exercise and eat healthy food but you have to make those things fun! Show kids cooking can be fun and playing games, sports etc is fun! (without the parental criticism)
But also allow children to say how they feel and validate it.  Don’t tell them “No, you don’t or shouldn’t feel that way!” Allow them to take risks and have their own accomplishments. Self worth does not come from everyone telling a child how wonderful, beautiful, special they are! It comes from them feeling they can work to accomplish a task on their own! Giving them everything makes sit worse!!!! They feel “ My parents think I am worthless”

Band-Aids won’t fix this. Getting rid of McDonalds or candy bars won’t either. I hope we can get a clue. The U.S. seems to be the most outwardly focused country. What is on the inside?  The spirit, the creative mind and soul. We need to focus on enriching those things rather than botox and hair dye. Until then, I’ll treasure all that that is beautiful in my life. Including the occasional softserve cone.

Living Your One Wild and Precious Life

by Deb Walz

Mary Oliver's The Summer Day

"I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?"

This poem has meant so much to me since I first read it. It has a life of it's own and has always rang true. I have it on my vision board and as I sat staring at my board, meditating, all the pictures and words whispered to me and it felt like I was seeing this poem for the first time.

I realized though that I have focused more on certain lines than others. The last line of course and the lines about what prayer is.

Today the lines "Tell me what else should I have done? and Doesn't everything die at last and too soon?" struck me like not only an arrow in my soul but also sung to me as a mourning dove call.

Since I became disabled, despite many months of "BEING", I still have felt my life isn't worth much unless I am accomplishing SOMETHING BIG, like writing a book, teaching a class, helping groups of people find their way etc.

What I saw today was living in the moment, loving others, loving myself and developing a relationship with God is ALL that's important! No other SUCCESS, ACCOMPLISHMENT or RECOGNITION  is necessary for my Higher Power. So doing what I am doing, finding gratitude, love and joy in each day is enough.

Plus the line that everything dies, too soon ,cut into my soul. Of course: Every one whom we love who dies, dies too soon!!!  And we all will die. and I believe be reunited with those who went before us.

Today I felt gratitude for a sunny day, for my cuddly goldens, for my husband, daughters and blessed glorious grandchildren, I felt love for all of them as well as myself and Joy that they are all in my life today. And that was enough.

Denial (it’s not a river in Egypt)

There are many forms of denial. Such as : knowing in your gut your husband is having an affair but it’s not getting through to your head. Family, friends or yourself with a drinking /drug problem. Just that tiny question that blinks in your head like a neon light about your own or someone’s shopping, sex, eating (or whatever) addiction.

Denial is a coping mechanism our amazing brain has of protecting us from shocking facts in the real world that might just cause us to lose our minds. Really.
Such as the sudden death of a loved one. Our body gives us alittle time to adjust to the shock of an accident, death or horrible experience till we may be able to handle it. That is why it is one of the phases of grief. It serves a real purpose.

But sometimes denial can go on and on and on. We unconsciously or consciously encourage it to hang around after drinks and appetizers for dinner. And then even dessert. Because we just want to keep avoiding whatever is on the other side of the curtain, even though that neon light keeps getting brighter and brighter.

I have experienced denial several times in my life that I am aware of. There may be times I still have not realized denial was hanging around like a hungry dog or mistreated lost relation.

As a child my gut and intuition told me my father had a drinking problem. There were of course blatant signs. He embarrassed me when I had a slumber party in 6th grade by entertaining my friends with his jokes and antics. They thought he was hilarious, I knew he was drunk. He was drunk much of the time. But my mother was also in denial so when I asked her about a specific incident, she told me I had dreamed it! Eventually my mom’s denial broke and she got us all into treatment.

When my daughter died as an infant. I know the denial from the shock helped me cope and then I was able to work my way through the phases of grief.

But sometimes Denial over stays it’s welcome. And it becomes harmful to us. Such as the Battered Syndrome where someone’s life could be in danger and fear and denial may prevent the people from protecting themselves.

I was in denial about my own drinking problem. I thought because I didn’t drink like my dad (didn’t drink every day, didn’t have DT’s, didn’t hide my booze or even drink in my house or around my kids) that I couldn’t be an alcoholic. But slowly reality was presented to me like thin veils of silk being slowly pulled away.  I saw that almost every time I drank, I got drunk. I drank for the effect, not socially like many people. I had a very high tolerance: it took many, many drinks to feel a buzz get drunk.

I have seen many levels and faces of denial in dealing with my chronic illnesses. It has been a long ongoing process and since they are all incurable but not terminal illnesses, this will be a process the rest of my life.

I don’t give up hope of remission and having relatively good health again. But at times that attitude can become denial and then I feel frustrated, sad, angry and down right irritating to be around! (Just ask my husband!)
Because I get angry that I am not able to hike, bike, run, shop in malls and large warehouse stores, garden and just plain do all the activities I used to do! I then either try to do things anyway and make myself sick attempting to accomplish just that or I get very depressed and lose hope.

It was recently pointed out to my by a friend who also deals with Fibromyalgia that I need to get assertive with others and myself about the realities of my illnesses.  Some days I cannot do anything because I need to rest and take care of myself. I hate telling friends “No” for fear they will abandon me. Well, the truth is: if they abandon me, they weren’t very good friends to begin with.
And I need to find things I can do and that keep me connected with the outside world. Right now those things are to watch TV and movies and use the Internet which includes social networks like Facebook. I have been teased for how often I am on FB and it has hurt my feelings. Well, the truth is: those people don’t live my life. FB and other discussion boards I frequent are my connection to others. Very few of my friends actually come to my house to see me and visit. They are out doing their thing.  So I need to metaphorically get off my butt and take care of myself. Because realistically I actually can’t get off my butt at times.

Some days I have less pain and can do some stretching, a little walking and usually have so much guilt about what isn’t getting done around the house that I use all my energy to clean the kitchen, vacuum, clean the bathroom etc. Even on good days, I can’t do laundry or shop in the giant grocery warehouses anymore. I broke down and bought a shower chair. I went to visit my daughter and tried not to feel guilty while I lay in my zero gravity chair and my daughters cooked and cleaned up after meals. What a gigantic leap for me!
So I am pulling away the denial blinders and saying to others and to myself what I can or can’t do that day or week. This breaking a denial barrier was so freeing to me once I let go of the guilt and shame I had associated with being disabled. It still worms its way back in but now that I am more aware I can push it on out.
I realize it is a journey and I have not given up hope that I will gain a level of good health again but as for now, I am out of denial and accepting and loving myself where I am right now!

Where I’m At Today

No matter how much we know or have experienced it always is important to have positive supportive people in our lives.
Their input and positive feedback, even if it’s something we already know, is so helpful. Many times I know something but because I am in pain or stressed, I haven’t thought of it.

Recently I had been telling myself I was in a funk and really down on myself. Other friends had given me feedback but to be honest it was a somewhat negative experience. They were, like myself, implying I had been doing something wrong and needed to “shape up” so to speak.
I have always thought I wanted friends who would be honest with me. That is still true to an extent but I have learned that “their” honesty/truth may not be my truth so it may not feel right/or even be helpful or supportive. I see this now looking back to when I have been “honest” with friends. The way I see their experience may not be what they are feeling at all, because it is coming from my experience, not theirs.

My friend Beth, who is a life coach and a very nurturing soul, pointed out to me that I have been grieving many things. The loss of my father, family support and grieving the loss of all the activities I can not do right now while I am experiencing so much pain. I have been beating myself up over this, instead of, as she suggested, looking at it as a positive thing, a gift, time to take care of myself and heal. Even though I had done this exact thing a couple years ago when first diagnosed, I had forgotten. Since I had felt somewhat better last year, I had a different mindset.

I also had been feeling bad for not having any desire to write on my blog. I had been asking myself why I even started blogging to begin with. I had placed a bunch of expectations on myself about what my blog should be.

Since I have been reading many other women’s blogs, I had become very judgmental of my own. Mine isn’t interesting enough, not funny enough; I don’t have great photos or clever writing.
I also don’t get many comments where some blogs I read have hundreds of followers!

When I thought about why I had started blogging I realized I had done it with no expectations. I just wanted to write when I felt like writing, write whatever I wanted and about whatever I felt at the time. I actually didn’t care if anyone read it or not. Commented or not.  So when did I set myself up with all these expectations?
I don’t have a business I am marketing, not selling a book or in fact, not selling anything.
Back then, I was feeling good about myself and just wanted to share or express the joy.
Maybe I can start feeling the joy again. The unbridled passion. I’d sure like to. I think I already may be  : )

Taking Care of Ourselves

May is not the time of year to be in a funk! (like any time of year works!)   Having experienced a major fibro flare up and feeling too crappy to do much besides lie under my favorite blanket and watch TV, I fell into a sad state. Some other issues with my family of origin were also causing stress.I just kept trying to figure out what had caused the flare(was it the long use of prednizone this winter or the cold damp spring?) Although it does help to figure out triggers to avoid them later but right now it doesn't matter much what caused it but what am I going to do to feel better , especially emotionally and spirituallyNOW!
I was actually angry and in self pity because last year I felt so good in all three areas!! I was upset with myself that I had allowed health issues to get the better of me.
So I had a therapy session with ME! I made an action plan for all three areas of my life.
Emotional: I had begun reading Julia Cameron's book Vein of Gold last fall and had not followed through. I knew from reading The Artist's Way that when I do Julia's morning pages, artist's dates and other suggestions she has in her books, I steadily see a great improvement in my attitude and mood.As well as the renewed desire to create again!
SO my assignment is to read a few pages of Vein of Gold every day. The first day it lifted my mood!
Spiritual: Read my daily meditation books every morning and meditate at least ten minutes a day. I had gotten away from many of the daily things that help me not react to things others say and do. Like turning it over, letting go and saying The Serenity Prayer. They may sound simplistic but they work!
Making a daily gratitude list helps me in so many ways. It is so freeing and rewarding at the same time.
It makes me not take for granted and appreciate each birdsong or flower in my garden, my grandsons' smiles/giggles and my goldens unconditional love.
Physical: I have read that exercise helps fibromyalgia. This is hard to take in when you are feeling horrible pain just walking from the kitchen to the bathroom! Or even just lying in bed! But I know the key is to go slowly! So every day I am going to do some stretching /weights work  towards getting back to my water exercise class. If I have a particularly trying day such as  getting groceries (walking around a large super market is particularly painful. Every step is jarring.) then I take it easy and do stretches from a chair or lying down. I am being very patient with myself in this area.I am continuing to eat healthy foods and focus on moderation.

Plus getting back to practicing what I preach. Nurturing myself. I have been doing nurturing activities but I was doing them mindlessly, unconsciously. So back to basics. Being HERE in my life. Focusing on each activity, each moment. Then , and only then, am I being truly present. Authentically living in the moment.
I'll keep you posted. and please let me know how you are taking care of your SELF .

Equal Billing

For over thirty years I have seen my husband as some kind of Superman. I know he’s not perfect (believe me, I live with the man! LOL!) but he has always seemed somehow invincible. He is very confident, knowledgeable and always willing to find out how to do something if he didn’t know before hand. He is a hard worker, strong physically as well as emotionally and his values are to always be there for his family.
On the other hand, I have been less confident. If I know something well and feel comfortable in that knowledge, I am OK. But if it is something where I carry any doubt, my history has been to give up, feel like a failure, allow someone else to do it. My husband has always been supportive of me and very patient in encouraging me to take risks, be patient with myself and not be afraid to make mistakes while learning.
I believe we are both of pretty equal intelligence but my conditioning from childhood (I witnessed my mom do this my entire life) was to give my husband the lead. We always have made decisions together but I saw myself over the years giving way to his opinion many times, not trusting my own judgement, unless it was an area of my expertise (like parenting or counseling).

I find this interesting since I also had my father on a pedestal as a child, even though he let me down many times.  Looking back I wanted my father to rescue me from my abusive mother but because he was a practicing alcoholic, he was unable or unwilling to do that. When I got older, I was able to accept my father as a human being with faults. But I thought I had learned never to depend on a man, or to stop looking for Prince Charming to rescue or take care of me.
I guess I had the Cinderella Complex (I think this is from the seventies!) and even though on the outside I projected a confident wife, mother and career woman, inside I always doubted being good enough, smart enough, etc.

Unlike my father, my husband also lived up to my expectations of him. His decisions were practical, logical and proved sound and right almost one hundred percent of the time. He projects an all together strong persona even though he is also a person willing to share feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, he’s a true renaissance man!

That was until my husband suffered a heart attack at age fifty-two four years ago. He had surgery and has recovered fully but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact my husband is human and as vulnerable as any of us.
And because we are approaching sixty (!)  I am much more aware of our mortality.  Days when he comes home from work and is more tired and sore than he used to be brings that home even more to me.
But in many ways this has been good for me/us. I now see us more as equal. I no longer feel like the weak link in our coupledom.  We both have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are partners, in this together. I trust my insight and opinions more and I know he appreciates (at least most of the time) not feeling he is carrying a majority of the load.  Now that our children are adults with families of their own, I see my husband and I more as both independent, strong (mentally and emotionally) individuals as well as balanced united partners for the rest of our lives. It’s a joyful freedom I now embrace.

Mother’s Day 2010

This Sunday will be my thirty - sixth Mother’s Day (I am counting being pregnant)! I can’t believe it.. time passed so quickly. Each has been memorable and special in it’s own way but I have always been so grateful to be a mother to my four beautiful daughters.
I am grateful for (Very difficult limiting it to 10):

1) Giving birth to four gorgeous girls. Each birth and child so unique and perfect.
2)  The exquisite joy of breastfeeding. Nothing equals that bond /sense of total unconditional love when they gaze adoringly up into your eyes.
3)  Even though we only experienced Lindsey here on Earth for a short time, I cherish every moment and so grateful that we took photographs. It’s all we have till we see her again.
4)  That in spite of all my inadequacies, my daughters thrived and today are strong healthy women in every way.
5) The days of seemingly endless activity. Ballet lessons, basketball, soccer, baseball games, cheerleading practice, so many clubs I can’t remember, Brownies, 4H, playdates, birthday and slumber parties, school plays, concerts, awards programs & dinners, parent conferences and much more I’ve probably forgotten. Cherish these days.. they are gone too soon.
6) Family vacations in Colorado. Hikes at Bear Lake, playing cards and board games in cabins at the Y with NO TV, wading in cold mountain streams, jeeping it on narrow muddy cliff sides by Ouray (me screaming my head off and gripping the seat while the others laughed at me!) family dinners at fabulous restaurants, and sleeping in rest areas in a packed mini van (three kids and two golden retrievers) camping by Long’s Peak. So many memories to even list or count!
7) Family time watching Husker football and the girls and I enjoying our favorite movies (When Harry met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, While You were Sleeping to name a few, there are hundreds!)
8) Watching my daughter walk down the aisle (doing the ugly cry) and walking my daughter down the aisle (trying to stifle the ugly cry) And someday soon, watching my husband walk his Daddy’s girl down the aisle.
9) Being present at the birth of my daughters’ first children and the privilege of caring for the elder grandchildren when the younger ones were born.
10) Hearing my grandsons say “I Love You Grandma”!!!!!

I love you all so much Casey, Erin, Sam and Lindsey!  I am so proud and grateful to be your Mom.