OK, if you want a Gratitude blog like most people are writing this week, go back a couple weeks. I wrote 100 Things I Am Grateful For.
Today I am frustrated. At least in this moment. An hour from now I will be content again (hopefully!) and focused on what I am grateful for. I will be aware of how much I have and that there are people out there who have it SO much worse than me.
But right now, in this moment, I am NOT. I am frustrated that I have gained weight in the last month rather than losing like my husband. Hmmmm. Could be because I get pretty much no exercise. I go through phases of beginning stretching regimens or yoga but then I hit a pain day and there it goes. I am happy I haven’t binged or done any eating on my feelings since I stopped seeing my father a few months ago. But the weight gain really pisses me off.
(I could really get into psycho analyzing myself here since my weight either high or low has always been an issue between my father and myself)
Another weight gain: my dog is fat again!!! I swear he goes up and down like a seesaw. And it’s on me! I feed him, he does not feed himself so it’s all about my concentrated effort or lack there of to get weight off him by feeding him less! He always acts like he is starving! So I feel so bad cutting back his food, giving him less treats or no treats. He always gets a small treat when his brother gets his meds because I give his brother a treat then. His brother does not have a weight issue.
I also am frustrated with why the responsibility for the dog’s meds is totally on me. Well, not so much that but the fact that I am not perfect. I forget, every once in awhile, to give him his nighttime meds. And in the morning when I realize, when I see the pill in the night before’s little compartment, I feel bad, guilty and want to blame someone. I feel less than. A bad dog mother.
It reminds me of when our daughters were young, in school, back in the old days. I worked full time, did the family’s laundry, arranged the meals, made the meals, arranged all the appointments (doctors, dentists, whatever needed done) attended school conferences, school plays, took kids to the doctor, dentist, made sure they got up in the morning, took care of the dog’s meds, got up with sick kids in the night, got up with the seizing dog in the night, felt overwhelmed and not good enough. I wanted a day off from responsibility. Just one day.
Another thing I am somewhat upset about today is that I am going bald. (I am sure my friends/relatives are so tired of hearing about this) I am grieving and I go through phases of feeling so sad and other very short phases of acceptance.
I have to admit: I am vain. At 55 and as overweight as I am, I am vain about my hair. Even people with cancer, grieve losing their hair. A long time ago, I was attractive.
I was young, a normal healthy weight and had long blonde soft silky hair. I could wear eye make up back then. Now with sucky Sjogren’s Syndrome which makes my eyes super dry and irritated, I can no longer comfortably wear mascara, eye shadow or any make up close to my eyes.
I feel like Lauren Bacall’s character in The Mirror Has Two Faces. Grieving the outer me I used to be. And I didn’t appreciate her when she was here. I thought she was too fat.
So not only am I overweight (which I admit I can change) and 55(which I can’t) I am also going bald : ( and have dark circles under my eyes. Bummer.
I notice I seem to be more upset about going bald than the fact I have about twenty chronic illnesses. Well, at least at this moment.
Today I am not working. My kids are grown. The seizing dog has gone on to dog Heaven. I know everyone feels like this sometimes. We all want a day with no responsibility. And no grief issues. No issues period!
Today I am probably as close to no responsibility as I could be in my life. I am only responsible for my dogs and myself. My husband is the one who works and pays the bills. Must be nice huh?
So why can’t I remember the freakin dog’s meds at night every night? Is that too much to ask?
Why can’t I make sure the dogs and myself get some exercise and lose some weight? Why can’t I stop being so vain and let go of my hair and my lack of mascara?
Oh well, guess I am just human. A work in progress. Always.
OK, rant over, got it off my chest. Mini issues. Mini problems. Not global warming. Not war, health care, life and death issues.
Back to Gratitude.
Thank God.
P.S. I already feel better and I also realized that this post may seem somewhat hypocritical after last week's blog post. If it does, I just have to say, I am human and sometimes bitchy and can get into self pity like everyone else. And so it goes.
I only disagree with one statement, that these are not life issues. Each of them affects your life every day, so that makes them life issues! You're the one who has to live your life, no one else. I feel compassion for people who have less than me too, but the truth is, I don't live in their skin, I have to live in mine. And dammit it has not always been fun. I worked very hard every day of my life raising kids alone and having nothing, going to school and then back to school twice, earning degree after degree, all toward the goal that I would not end up exactly where I have found myself anyway: going to food banks for food, and depending on programs and other charity to pay my bills. Things other people consider necessities are to me luxuries. It sucks and I refuse to pretend to be happy about it. But that said, I accept that my own choices have brought me here. I only grieve that I was not wiser at a much younger age to avoid said choices, but there it is. I rave, and sometimes I don't. So rave away, and don't beat yourself up about it. It's part of the human condition. I plan to go down fighting! As for the dog, I feel a lot of guilt that it is a struggle for me every month to come up with the $8 for Danny's heartworm pill, and here it is due again and I am all borrowed out. I feel guilty that I took Sophia to a matinee when I should have bought Danny's pill. But I am better about giving him too much food. He always looks at me like I am starving him too, but I watch him play ball in the backyard and jerk my arm off when I walk him, and methinks he is fit and fine despite those sorrowful eyes!!!!! Not sure what my point is, Deb, other than that we are with you, and we do understand.
ReplyDeleteRereading my reply, I would like to add that my chronic illnesses played, and continue to play, a major role in where I am in life; they were not a choice. But I did make other mistakes, and those are the ones I meant, for example, marrying someone who turned out to be a wife-beating, self-agrandizing louse who thought having indoor plumbing was a luxury that could cost you your eternal soul, and celebrating birthdays was akin to devil worship! I kid you not, one year he bought me a new frying pan.
ReplyDeleteCarol, I hope you promptly hit him over the head with it.
ReplyDeleteDeb, regarding dog medicine, probably you are way ahead of me on this, but yesterday Eric set his cell phone to sound an alarm every day at 9am and 9pm to remind him of his pills. Maybe you could do something similar on your phone or computer, or both? Or a sign you have to turn around on your bathroom mirror? Visual cues help me a lot, I'd be lost with out them. Or put the pills next to something you always do before bed -- like your toothbrush. Just a thought, I'm sure you've tried these things already but if not wanted to mention them. (This advice brought to you by the woman who couldn't figure out how one gets quarters to buy the little box of laundry detergent at the Hospitality House next to the hospital this whole week, and eventually (God I hate to admit this) PURCHASED a pair of jeans instead, to solve the problem.)