The UnFather

I am grieving the daddy I never had. The Leave it To Beaver/Father Knows Best daddy. I know these sorts of Dads aren’t “real”. They are TV characters. But I have had friends who have been lucky enough to have had dads like these. When I hear some of my friends talk about their dads with soft voices full of admiration and love, I get nauseous. Dads who tucked them in, took them for ice cream, played games and ball, and attended and participated in their activities such as ballet, piano recitals, school programs and carnivals. My husband is that kind of dad.

As a child, I invented a dad like that. He was imaginary (He was actually my version of The Rifleman, Chuck Conners) and I had many stories about him and my entire imaginary family. These stories helped me get through my day to day life as a child and survive my abusive childhood somewhat sane.

I have often felt guilty for feeling so sad and negatively about my childhood. I never went hungry; always had a bed to sleep in, a house, some of the time I even had my own room. Since getting older and working through many childhood issues, I am able to find some good childhood memories. Few include my family members unfortunately. My best childhood memories were when I was away from my home. Hiking out in the country, walking with a friend or my dog, swimming in a quarry pond we found off the railroad tracks. I have some warm memories as a very young child of my grandma and my uncle (my mother’s family) because I lived with them for almost the entire first five years of my life due to my mother’s illness.

I no longer resent or blame my parents for my childhood. I worked through this in therapy. I accept that they did the best they could, considering my dad was a practicing alcoholic, a narcissist and had a bad childhood himself. My mother was reacting to my father’s alcoholism and adultery and was on the brink of insanity herself. She eventually found help for herself and made amends to us. She went on to be a wonderful Grandma and she and I were close before she died.

Unfortunately, that has not yet happened with my father and probably won’t.
I feel sad for him; he is miserable and blames everyone but himself for his loneliness and unhappiness. I forgive him, bear him only good will and peace but am not willing to sacrifice my own sanity and serenity any longer just for the ability to say I visit him once a week. The hell and verbal abuse he subjected me to while putting in my time is not worth being able to say I still see my ‘dad”.

Apparently in our society it is OK to divorce an abusive spouse but not a relative. Why would anyone expect you to put up with someone, who constantly berates you, belittles you and your children, calls you nasty degrading names and speaks only in negativity and repeatedly makes racist and sexist comments? And also expects your constant attention, devotion and care? Sounds insane doesn’t it? Yet I have come up against a few people who think this way.

Our society also seems to see things in as black and white terms as I did growing up in an alcoholic family. Many think it is impossible to love a person and also let them go in order to save yourself. A friend said to me “maybe someday you will be able to forgive your father.” I have already forgiven him. This is NOT about forgiveness, resentment, getting even or anything negative to be very honest. I tried for fifty-five years to get along with my father. I changed and grew and he didn’t. I found I could no longer continue to be around him and survive. His abuse was not only affecting me emotionally, spiritually, mentally but also physically. The actual physical stress of coping with his negative onslaughts on a regular basis was killing me. If I continued, I have no doubts I may have died before he did.

Luckily, I have developed a wonderful support system of friends who support me and want only what is healthy and empowering in my life.
My husband and my daughters also feel the same way.

I have also experienced the amazing insight to see how much more serenity and happiness I have experienced since discontinuing this insanity. I no longer experience the stomachaches and migraines during the days leading up to my weekly “visit”. My blood pressure has gone down. I feel free, probably for the first time in my entire fifty -five years of life. And I refuse to waste any more time either feeling guilty for apparently not being the daughter my father requires or regretting all the years I wasted trying to gain my father’s approval and love.

My sister said to me ”You will feel guilty when he dies”. Well, I may, and if I do, I will work through it with the help of God, therapy and friends.
But to be honest, I doubt that I will. Because I have learned so much in these fifty-five years and I own all my own “stuff “ and I will allow him to own his. I know deep inside that I tried loved and worked all my life to be a good daughter. In order to gain my dad’s love and approval. And it didn’t work.
I have learned the only person’s approval I need is my own. I know I have a beautiful honest soul and that I am enough just the way I am. And I also know my God loves me and relishes my creativity and wondrous spirit.
For me, that is enough.