Growing Painfully

I have had a rough last few weeks emotionally and therefore physically due to the stress-related illnesses I am privy to. Coincidentally or not, it has also been the holidays.

So it is now January, my annual self-reflective serenity seeking time of year. I really really need it.

I am feeling sad, depressed, angry with others and myself and probably somewhat in self-pity. This involves many people and several issues I would prefer not to get into publicly on a blog but just so you know: they involve family (several different family issues)and friends and my own sense of self.

When I was younger (say teens, twenties, thirties) I certainly thought that by the time I was in my late (OMG I am going to be 56 in Feb!) fifties, I would be wise, mature and certainly know myself very well and Hey, be close to perfect! Unfortunately, that is far from true.

As sixty gains momentum, I seem to be more sensitive, emotionally wobbly and less sure of who I am and who my friends are. That is not exactly true. I do have a BASIC sense of who I am, both assets and liabilities, and am pretty sure of a small group of people that I know love me and accept me warts and all.

In February, I am scheduled to present a workshop on Nurturing Yourself. Having been a counselor for a long time, I had developed a series of exercises to help women (but it would also work for men, I think) nurture their inner selves and hopefully learn to love themselves as they are. Most of the time, I am pretty good at this myself.


But I seem to have taken a battering over the last few weeks; most of it initially brought on by choices that YOURS TRULY made!
(I am SO lucky my dear spouse does not often say, “I told you so!”)

One of my assets/liabilities is that I have a BIG MOUTH and am also highly opinionated which often gets me into trouble. I end up finding out who exactly disagrees with me and then my feelings are hurt because not everyone likes me! DUH!!! Big Surprise!

So I will be spending the next couple months of below zero temps and several feet of snow, studying, reflecting, learning and hopefully growing into the person I want to be. And practicing what I preach. Therefore also nurturing myself.

And hopefully finding a way to say what I think tactfully, learning to live with the consequences and loving myself enough that when it becomes very evident that some people don’t like or agree with me, I can lick my wounds and go on. Because the truth is: not everyone I meet will like me or agree with me and that’s OK.
I think. As I tell myself: We all are works in progress!