Moving On to 2010 : BELIEVE

WOW, way back in the 60’s and 70’s when I thought about the year 2000, it seemed too far off to even give much thought. Like science fiction, 2001: A Space Odyssey or Terminator when Judgement Day comes. I figured I’d be SO old by then, I’d probably be dead.

Well, here we are: I am still here by the grace of God and 2010 is right around the corner. It feels unreal and yet I have lived these last thirty years, gained sobriety, married, had a family, a career and grown as a person, spiritually, psychologically and continue to grow, even at this advanced age of 55.

2009 was an amazing year for me. Nothing much changed externally but internally: a tsunami!!! I made a vision board in the last months of 2008 and all of those dreams have manifested and come to be a reality! The faith that brought these goals forth blows me away. I didn’t realize I had it. I had prayed for it, the faith and it came. Looking back, I am happy my vision board dreams have come to fruition of course but the one true thing I am most joyful for is the FAITH. I trusted without any proof and it came to be. Grew, bubbled up inside me, a caterpillar in the cocoon/chrysalis and burst forward as a butterfly, full of life, love, BELIEF. What an amazing gift.

So I added a few new dreams to my vision board but left the others up as a talisman.
Proof that dreams can manifest, believing works. And will continue.

I have faith that good things will continue to come even with all the doubt and negativity in the world. Just as a caterpillar can totally dissolve in a chrysalis and come out an entirely new being, so can each of us.

Happy New Year!!!

Gifts I Give Myself

Things I Have Done in My Life and OH SO Glad I Did

Grew Up in a Small Town
Eaten Mulberries off the bush
Owned, Rode and Loved a Horse
Spent a great deal of time in the mountains
Known true love
Hiked through Yellowstone National Park and the Tetons
Birthed four beautiful daughters
Swam in the ocean, especially the warm gulf waters.
Witnessed the Sandhill Crane migration.
Learned to love being alone
Skied in Colorado
Became sober and gained recovery from alcoholism/addiction
And witnessed this miracle in many others
Had great sex.
Tasted luscious sea scallops in wine sauce.
Invented an imaginary family.
Made some extraordinary friendships
Had soothing therapeutic massages
Grown my own roses.
Watched the elk rut and bugling in RMNP
Eaten a banana split
Been loved unconditionally by many golden retrievers
Grown and gained insight through therapy
Cooked on a barbecue grill with a bison in Yellowstone
Learned yoga and meditation
Have lived in a small city
Cried at the sound of beautiful music
Read some amazing poetry and written some myself.
Belonged to the Girl Scouts
Soaked in a Jacuzzi under the stars
Ridden a motorcycle over the Continental Divide
Witnessed the births of my daughter’s firstborn children
Watched unbelievable sunrises and sunsets.
Owe No One. Own our house, cars, everything free and clear.
Held my mother’s hand when she went to Heaven
Believe in a Higher Power



Some Things I Haven’t Done But Would Love To Do


1) Haven’t seen Yellowstone in Winter
2) See truly wild animals in Africa
3) Gaze upon Denali /Mt. McKinley
4) Have coffee with some of my dear on line friends in person!
5) Visit Yosemite
6) Experience Gratitude and Serenity Everyday



Gifts I Give Myself

Permission to be ME, I am Enough
Meditation and guided imagery
Yoga and Centering
A Daily Gratitude List
A Daily Inventory
Alone time
Cuddle time with my pups
Allow myself mistakes, I’m not perfect
Live in the moment, it’s all we have. : )

Merry Christmas

The Simple Things of Comfort and Joy

In this season of goodness and light, comfort and joy and peace on earth goodwill toward men, I thought it might be good to write about living simply.
I have a friend who is skipping Christmas this year. Mainly because she has some personal therapeutic reason for doing so but also as a small rebellion to what our society has done to this holiday season.

To many it seems to have become only secular. An excuse to buy, buy, buy.
Which seems to begin LONG before Black Friday. I saw Christmas sales way before Halloween this year. I know the economy is hurting but Sheesh!
How many TV’s, blueray players, Ipods, I phones and whatever else can you have?
I find it ironic that just as Oprah tells all of us to live simply, cut back and be content with what we have, she owns at least five homes and in her magazine talks about her favorite things which usually are way beyond my pocketbook! How much is enough?
In this time of so much unemployment, homes being foreclosed and people in debt up to their eyeballs, what is living simply?
I think it begins with the spirit. If your soul is empty and wanting, we will want to fill it up. And we usually start with what we think are the easier quick fix ways. Like food, drugs, alcohol, and things.
I have been guilty of this. I tried to fill the hole within my soul with alcohol, didn’t work, sex: NADA. Food: well, that’s where comfort food got it’s definition but when you end up overweight with diabetes and heart problems; you need to look deeper.
Shopping is a very hollow way to find the answers. It lasts about five seconds once you walk in your front door. And then you need another fix.

I have seen it in children who can’t entertain themselves for five minutes without a Gameboy, Wii or movie to do it for them. When was the last time someone read them a book? Or took them on a nature walk in the forest where they could exam a squirrel’s skull, a robin’s nest or see who can find the most beautiful rock?

As far as we adults, what does living simply mean to you? Do you find yourself often bored, restless or just grumpy? Needing to fill that hole with “something”?

I recently went on a clean out spree. I cleaned out closets (anything I hadn’t used or worn in a year went!) I had held onto hundreds of books because I LOVE them. I so cherish holding a hardback book in my hands, smelling the pages, soaking up the graceful phrases and elegant words. But I realized I was being selfish. While these books were hugging my many bookcases, someone could actually be reading them! So I boxed them up and dropped them off at the public library to do with as they would.
After my big clean out, I felt cleansed. FREE. And I don’t intend to fill it up again with more stuff. Believe me, I am not living like a monk. I still have plenty of stuff. But I don’t feel as tied to it or owned by it all as I did before.

I have many sentimental keepsakes and things I cherish. Like my Red Willow china and my wooden St. Nick collections I also still have my favorite books that I love to read over and over. But I no longer feel any need to run out and buy something. I didn’t do Black Friday and in fact, I did a very small amount of shopping this holiday season. I bought my grandchildren books, which I hope they will enjoy having me read to them.
The rest I purchased from my easy chair via on line catalogs.

Maybe living simply is something that comes with age. At a certain age I began to realize it wasn’t what I physically had or how I looked that was important. Just like a corny Christmas movie, I learned that what is important is what’s inside. The friendships with other women that sustain me. My husband who loves me no matter how many wrinkles I have or how gray our hair. And my daughters who are now not only my adored daughters but cherished friends. And last but not least, my golden retrievers: Selka and Gunner who spend almost every minute of every day within a pat on the head or a stroke of their fur.

So many things bring comfort and joy to my life. Some are physical. A mocha latte’ is so much better enjoyed with a friend or a good movie watched with my husband, daughter or a soft golden body in my lap. But the most important is the quiet contentment as I look up at the full or crescent moon and think of my mom, who always called me to look out my window at it’s splendor. Or when I meditate to beautiful music and feel the presence of my Higher Power whose abiding unconditional love and acceptance gives me not only the courage to live simply but also the joy.

Snow Days and Holiday Movies.

The forecast says we can expect about a foot of snow and blizzard conditions over the next twenty-four hours. Schools are closed and traffic is slow (at least anyone who cares for their life and their car is driving defensively)
It’s a perfect day for baking Christmas cookies, making old fashioned dough ornaments, or playing in the snow if you are brave and don’t mind a forty mile an hour wind.

Also a wonderful day for sitting by the fire (if you have a fireplace, I don’t)
Sipping hot chocolate and watching your favorite Christmas movies.

My favorites don’t seem to be the typical variety such as “It’s A Wonderful Life”, “Miracle on Thirty Fourth Street” “Christmas Story” or “Christmas in Connecticut”. Mine lean toward the more modern. My special favorites are “If You Believe” which stars Hayden Pantierre back when she was about ten, playing the physical creation of an adult workaholic’s inner child. Throughout the movie, the woman, played by Ally Walker from the old TV show Profiler, begins to defrost from her Scroogelike personna and enjoy the small delights in life again. She also falls in love. Perfect holiday schmaltz!

Other holiday favorites are Meg Ryan’s “Sleepless in Seattle”, “When Harry Met Sally” and even “You’ve Got Mail”. Sandra Bullock in “While You Were Sleeping ” is such a funny happy tale that my girls and I memorized movie lines from this and the previous mentioned flicks. Good memories!

I also like to dig out “The Family Man “ with Nicholas Cage, “Home Alone” or even “Die Hard’! Of course we always watch our animated favorites “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” and Charlie Brown!

One I don’t like is ‘The Family Stone” a recent Christmas film where an all star cast portrays a family that spends the holiday get together seeing which female family member can be the biggest bitch. REALLY! Diane Keaton, Rachel McAdams and Sarah Jessica Parker play the meanest rudest women I have ever seen in a supposed holiday film. When I sit down to get myself into the holiday spirit, I sure don’t need tension and bickering to get me there. I have enough of that in my own family of origin! GEESH! Did the producers actually think that was funny?

A recent movie I like, if you can stomach the totally unneeded sex scenes, is “Love Actually” It never fails to make me feel like “Love is All Around”.
I also ordered the old Walton’s Christmas movie “The Homecoming” starring Patricia Neal which I watched as a girl at home. They played it every Christmas morning back in the day. I found it on Amazon and it should be arriving in my mailbox any day.

So whatever movies trip your Christmas trigger, cuddle up with the kids or a pup (like me and my golden duo) pour a cup of cocoa and lighten your mood with some holiday cheer, regardless of your religious views.

As Andy Williams sings: It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Rethinking / An Apology

Re thinking/Apology

Last week I wrote what I intended to be a blog about Giving and Humility. It ended up coming across as judgmental and self-righteous. I apologize to anyone who was offended.

This blog got me looking at INTENTION. My intention with the blog was to get the message out there that giving is about how good it makes you feel when you give from the heart, not to just look good or compete with your friends.

But I didn’t look at the intention behind those people’s giving that I was judging. Apparently the person who paid it forward at Starbucks did so because someone else had done that for her. And it made her day! And so she wanted to make someone else happy. She also thought announcing it on Facebook would encourage others to do the same thing.

I worked for nonprofits for thirty years. I know they need money desperately to keep their doors open. They don’t care why people give, as long as they do. So if people donate because their friends do, so what! As long as the people who need it get help. The outcome is what’s important. And a plaque on the wall with the donator’s names.

So it comes down to this: I still believe in giving from the heart with just the good feeling you get from it as your reward. But I can’t change society by myself. If parents don’t raise their children teaching them about giving just for the sake of giving and others think it is great to donate, pay it forward and announce it to the world, then just as long as the people who need it get help, that’s what is important. Who am I to judge?

Best of 2009: The First Seven

December 1 Trip. What was your best trip in 2009? I only went one place several times all year: Estes Park Colorado. My favorite place in the whole world. My spiritual home. Rocky Mountain National Park, elk bugeling and butting heads, golden aspens, gorgeous weather. HEAVEN!

December 2 Restaurant moment. Share the best restaurant experience you had this year. Who was there? What made it amazing? What taste stands out in your mind? Dinner with my hubby at Dunraven Inn in Estes Park. YUMMY giant sea scallops in a to die for wine sauce! YUM! My mouth is watering at 7 am just remembering!

December 3 Article. What's an article that you read that blew you away? That you shared with all your friends. That you Delicious'd and reference throughout the year. Hmmmmm. Read so many, hard to select one. I always love reading Martha Beck’s article’s in O magazine.

December 4 Book. What book - fiction or non - touched you? Where were you when you read it? Have you bought and given away multiple copies?
I read a lot! Both Julie Buxbaum and Katherine Center had new books come out and I loved them. I also read Harlan Coben, Lee Child and John Sandford mysteries and they were all excellent. My fave nonfiction book was Brene’ Brown’s book . That's all I can think of before coffee!


December 5 Night out. Did you have a night out with friends or a loved one that rocked your world? Who was there? What was the highlight of the night? I read my poems at a poetry reading at a local winery. My husband and I went out for ice cream after and it was just like a date. We have been married 29 years! The atmosphere at the reading was so supportive and romantic. We also had a couple very romantic dinners this year at the above Dunraven Inn!

December 6 Workshop or conference. Was there a conference or workshop you attended that was especially beneficial? Where was it? What did you learn? I attended a workshop on line on PNN by Brene’ Brown on being authentic and met so many cool women!!! It was growth inducing and supportive!

December 7 Blog find of the year. That gem of a blog you can't believe you didn't know about until this year. Brene’s Brown’s Ordinary Courage! She is a true gem!

Good Will Toward Men, Women and Children

This is the time of year people like to grab the Christmas spirit and do their part to help local charities and needy families.
I think this is wonderful. There are so many people in these difficult economic times who are going without, who have lost their jobs or are having a hard time just making ends meet. Food pantries, homeless shelters and hundreds of social service agencies are dependent on donations, both cash and in kind.

Of course it would be great if we participated in this kind of giving and good will all year long. Wouldn’t that be amazing? There would then probably be no need for all the fund raising at the holidays! Maybe.
Apparently some of us need the holiday season to jolt them into the giving spirit. As someone who worked for nonprofits 99% of my career, I am eternally grateful that November and December bring this side out in people.

Something I have noticed lately on Facebook and other social networks I peruse is that many seem to think they must announce their giving /donations to the world. Or they create a competition to see if they can guilt people into giving or turn giving into a contest to see who gives the most! Remember Oprah’s Big Give?
The winner actually won money for giving! I also noticed it lasted only one season.

GEESH!!!!! Whatever happened to giving to help others? Just to be nice? Just to be kind? Just to give back because you have been blessed with so much?
I was raised in a home where even though there was an outrageous amount of dysfunction going on and we probably could have used the food pantry ourselves at times, my mom still believed in helping from the heart. She also believed in doing your giving anonymously. My mom was a strong example of Humility In Action.
She taught us: if you do something nice for others, you don’t take credit for it, brag about it or tell others they should be doing the same thing! Once I left home, she always shone by example and never pushed me to donate as she did. Of course being raised as I was, I wanted to give back also. I have to admit there were times when we were very close to needing help ourselves and could only manage to give a few cans of soup or beans to the local food bank.

On the other side of the fence, I have heard friends brag about paying it forward at Starbucks!!!!
Not only do I consider it in poor taste to brag about it but if someone is in line in their SUV at Starbucks, they can probably afford to pay for their own latte’!!!! Maybe pay it forward at the local grocery warehouse!!!

If you always give, then thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

And if you don’t or haven’t been able before, there are so many needy organizations set up to help the homeless, hungry, unemployed and their animals that you don’t need me to tell you where and to whom to give. You can all look to your own higher power or conscience and decide what to give. Whether it’s one can of beans, one coat to a child, or one toy from Santa. And then feel deep down inside how blessed you are and tell no one. It feels so good and warms your own Grinch heart. God bless us everyone.

Gratitude at Thanksgiving – A Worldwide Blogging Event

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” (Buddha)


Laurie Hawley, life coach, wrote in her Aha Life Design Blog that she is copying another creativity coach’s, Laura Hegfield, Thanksgiving blog idea.
of creating a special Thanksgiving blog consisting of gratitude quotes from different people in her life. She wrote:

“I would like it if all of you special earth angels would write a sentence or two about what you are grateful for in your life…in the moment you receive this message…or the minute you have time to get to it…but be present when you write. Don’t think too much…just close your eyes…breathe into the moment and allow the feeling of gratitude to arise…then write words that flow from your deep well of truth.”

I write a gratitude list daily and recently wrote 100 things I am grateful for and I believe I could easily make it one thousand.

So maybe instead of just a list, I will be a little more thoughtful and meditate a few moments on the gifts in my life for which I feel the most thankful.

First, I am most thankful for God who makes all things possible and without who I would not be here but also would be leading a much less rich and serenity filled life. It would be empty.

My family: my husband who supports me and loves me no matter what.
My four daughters, all of whom have enriched my life in so many different ways. Two sons in law and a stepson, step daughter in law and seven energy/joy filled grandchildren. Five golden retrievers over the years, who all have loved unconditionally and brought so much sweet joy into my life.

When a person reaches a certain age, I think we naturally become grateful for our health. Grateful to be able to move, walk, see, hear and enjoy this wonderful life here on earth, even if that health has become somewhat diminished.

Also I am giving thanks for the many supportive and inspiring friends I have in my life. Many who are new this year!

I have gratitude for the very practical but so necessary gifts in life. A home that is warm, contains a comfortable bed to sleep in, utilities we can afford thanks to my husband’s employment, plenty of food and water, and the clean air and natural beauty of this great state of Nebraska where I am so blessed to live.

Lastly, before I bore everyone who graciously reads my blog, I am thankful for all the small joys in life that make living worth while. These joys are unique to each person. But because I am so lucky as to have all the above blessings, I can enjoy these small joys. Like college football, trips to the Rocky Mountains, movies and books, coffee with friends and writing this blog.

Now if you wish or are able, write your Thanksgiving list below.

Rants/Frustration Rather Than Gratitude

OK, if you want a Gratitude blog like most people are writing this week, go back a couple weeks. I wrote 100 Things I Am Grateful For.

Today I am frustrated. At least in this moment. An hour from now I will be content again (hopefully!) and focused on what I am grateful for. I will be aware of how much I have and that there are people out there who have it SO much worse than me.

But right now, in this moment, I am NOT. I am frustrated that I have gained weight in the last month rather than losing like my husband. Hmmmm. Could be because I get pretty much no exercise. I go through phases of beginning stretching regimens or yoga but then I hit a pain day and there it goes. I am happy I haven’t binged or done any eating on my feelings since I stopped seeing my father a few months ago. But the weight gain really pisses me off.
(I could really get into psycho analyzing myself here since my weight either high or low has always been an issue between my father and myself)

Another weight gain: my dog is fat again!!! I swear he goes up and down like a seesaw. And it’s on me! I feed him, he does not feed himself so it’s all about my concentrated effort or lack there of to get weight off him by feeding him less! He always acts like he is starving! So I feel so bad cutting back his food, giving him less treats or no treats. He always gets a small treat when his brother gets his meds because I give his brother a treat then. His brother does not have a weight issue.

I also am frustrated with why the responsibility for the dog’s meds is totally on me. Well, not so much that but the fact that I am not perfect. I forget, every once in awhile, to give him his nighttime meds. And in the morning when I realize, when I see the pill in the night before’s little compartment, I feel bad, guilty and want to blame someone. I feel less than. A bad dog mother.

It reminds me of when our daughters were young, in school, back in the old days. I worked full time, did the family’s laundry, arranged the meals, made the meals, arranged all the appointments (doctors, dentists, whatever needed done) attended school conferences, school plays, took kids to the doctor, dentist, made sure they got up in the morning, took care of the dog’s meds, got up with sick kids in the night, got up with the seizing dog in the night, felt overwhelmed and not good enough. I wanted a day off from responsibility. Just one day.

Another thing I am somewhat upset about today is that I am going bald. (I am sure my friends/relatives are so tired of hearing about this) I am grieving and I go through phases of feeling so sad and other very short phases of acceptance.
I have to admit: I am vain. At 55 and as overweight as I am, I am vain about my hair. Even people with cancer, grieve losing their hair. A long time ago, I was attractive.
I was young, a normal healthy weight and had long blonde soft silky hair. I could wear eye make up back then. Now with sucky Sjogren’s Syndrome which makes my eyes super dry and irritated, I can no longer comfortably wear mascara, eye shadow or any make up close to my eyes.
I feel like Lauren Bacall’s character in The Mirror Has Two Faces. Grieving the outer me I used to be. And I didn’t appreciate her when she was here. I thought she was too fat.
So not only am I overweight (which I admit I can change) and 55(which I can’t) I am also going bald : ( and have dark circles under my eyes. Bummer.

I notice I seem to be more upset about going bald than the fact I have about twenty chronic illnesses. Well, at least at this moment.

Today I am not working. My kids are grown. The seizing dog has gone on to dog Heaven. I know everyone feels like this sometimes. We all want a day with no responsibility. And no grief issues. No issues period!

Today I am probably as close to no responsibility as I could be in my life. I am only responsible for my dogs and myself. My husband is the one who works and pays the bills. Must be nice huh?

So why can’t I remember the freakin dog’s meds at night every night? Is that too much to ask?
Why can’t I make sure the dogs and myself get some exercise and lose some weight? Why can’t I stop being so vain and let go of my hair and my lack of mascara?
Oh well, guess I am just human. A work in progress. Always.

OK, rant over, got it off my chest. Mini issues. Mini problems. Not global warming. Not war, health care, life and death issues.

Back to Gratitude.
Thank God.


P.S. I already feel better and I also realized that this post may seem somewhat hypocritical after last week's blog post. If it does, I just have to say, I am human and sometimes bitchy and can get into self pity like everyone else. And so it goes.

Life's Twists and Turns

Life’s Twists and Turns

We are a self-absorbed society. I am willing to admit I am part of it and spend a great deal of time, I am sure, being focused on ME. My health issues, my family, even working on improving myself emotionally and spiritually is being self absorbed at some level, even to be a better person.

I try to see things that other people are going through and be aware of their tragedies and pain as well as their triumphs and joy. I know I sometimes fail. We are all human.

An old friend’s daughter (we were best friends in high school and were each other’s maid/matron honor) was married this week with the entire wedding blitz of bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and big wedding. We are not close enough anymore for my husband and I to have been invited to the wedding but I am friends with her on Facebook so have read all the pre and now post wedding stories.

The friend stated she is going to be depressed now that the wedding is over and her kids from out of town are heading home.

Her daughter who got married is 25. This friend and I were pregnant at the same time. I had placenta previa, hemorrhaged for twelve weeks (13 blood transfusions) and spent six weeks in the hospital. The rest of the time, I was in a hospital bed in our living room using a bedpan because I could not get out of bed. Our two-year-old was home with me all day alone except for the short time period when a home health nurse came by to check on the baby and me. My husband (who is a saint) left snacks, juice, water, books and diapers on a table next to my bed for the day. Our two-year-old was so great during that time. I hate to think about what would have happened had she gone down the hall, not come back and I would have had to go find her. She was wonderful about staying by me, playing and reading books laying next to me on the bed. We watched a lot of TV and movies!
We also had two older girls ages 8 and 6 that took the bus to school every morning and the bus home. They were both very responsible and helpful during that stressful time in our family.
We made many scary trips to the ER, running red lights all the way across town, I would poke Lindsey in my belly to make sure she was still alive. Every jump or move she made was a miracle to me. When we’d get to the hospital and I’d see her heart blip across the monitor, I felt such gratitude.
At 26 weeks gestation though, I was losing more blood than they could get back into me. So my obstetrician (my friend and I also had the same doctor) had no choice but to perform an emergency casearean. Our daughter Lindsey Kate was born at 5 a.m. on December 6th, our wedding anniversary! She weighed one pound 7 and a half ounces and at first had an APGAR of 9. I was unable to hold her when I came out of general anesthesia due to her very fragile condition. She was so very tiny but so beautiful. She had very fine blonde hair, just like two of her sisters. I then had an allergic reaction to one of the blood transfusions after her birth and was confined to bed. The girls had just had the stomach flu so were unable to go into the NICU to see their baby sister. Her dad was lucky enough to be able to spend time next to her incubator in the NICU.
The third morning after Lindsey was born she began failing. All her organs began shutting down. The neonatologist performed a total blood transfusion trying to give her the best chance but back in 1984, babies born that prematurely rarely were able to survive. Their tiny blood vessels in their brains are so fragile and burst easily at the slightest variation in oxygen level from the ventilator. So at 5 a.m. on Dec. 8th my husband and I were allowed to hold our beautiful daughter for the first and last time as she took her final breaths. Later, I was moved to the end of the hall to a private room and two days later convinced my doctor I needed to heal at home. I could not take another night n the maternity ward, listening to babies cry for their mothers.
Lindsey’ funeral was exactly a week after she as born.

This December 6th, 2009 our Lindsey Kate would be turning twenty-six years old if she had lived. We never got to see her take her first steps, say her first words, enjoy her first day of school, share family holidays and vacations, or watch her graduate from high school or college. My daughter Sam, who was two when Lindsey was born has held a strange position in our family. She is the youngest and the baby of our family but she also is not. She is very intuitive and has a strong sense of this. She thinks of her baby sister often, has Lindsey’s pink lamb that lay beside Lindsey in her incubator on her dresser and wonders what it would have been like to grow up being a big sister.

We will never see Lindsey get married. I wondered as I read my friend’s words on Facebook about her being depressed now that the wedding is over, if she remembers our youngest daughter would be the same age as her youngest daughter.? We lost touch after Lindsey died and have only kept up a somewhat superficial friendship since. I think we are uncomfortable with each other. I would never deny her the joy of her daughter’s life and wonderful wedding. I am happy for her and her family.
But I hope she has some thought/feeling for the baby girl of ours who now resides in Heaven. And maybe will not feel so depressed that the wedding is over.

The UnFather

I am grieving the daddy I never had. The Leave it To Beaver/Father Knows Best daddy. I know these sorts of Dads aren’t “real”. They are TV characters. But I have had friends who have been lucky enough to have had dads like these. When I hear some of my friends talk about their dads with soft voices full of admiration and love, I get nauseous. Dads who tucked them in, took them for ice cream, played games and ball, and attended and participated in their activities such as ballet, piano recitals, school programs and carnivals. My husband is that kind of dad.

As a child, I invented a dad like that. He was imaginary (He was actually my version of The Rifleman, Chuck Conners) and I had many stories about him and my entire imaginary family. These stories helped me get through my day to day life as a child and survive my abusive childhood somewhat sane.

I have often felt guilty for feeling so sad and negatively about my childhood. I never went hungry; always had a bed to sleep in, a house, some of the time I even had my own room. Since getting older and working through many childhood issues, I am able to find some good childhood memories. Few include my family members unfortunately. My best childhood memories were when I was away from my home. Hiking out in the country, walking with a friend or my dog, swimming in a quarry pond we found off the railroad tracks. I have some warm memories as a very young child of my grandma and my uncle (my mother’s family) because I lived with them for almost the entire first five years of my life due to my mother’s illness.

I no longer resent or blame my parents for my childhood. I worked through this in therapy. I accept that they did the best they could, considering my dad was a practicing alcoholic, a narcissist and had a bad childhood himself. My mother was reacting to my father’s alcoholism and adultery and was on the brink of insanity herself. She eventually found help for herself and made amends to us. She went on to be a wonderful Grandma and she and I were close before she died.

Unfortunately, that has not yet happened with my father and probably won’t.
I feel sad for him; he is miserable and blames everyone but himself for his loneliness and unhappiness. I forgive him, bear him only good will and peace but am not willing to sacrifice my own sanity and serenity any longer just for the ability to say I visit him once a week. The hell and verbal abuse he subjected me to while putting in my time is not worth being able to say I still see my ‘dad”.

Apparently in our society it is OK to divorce an abusive spouse but not a relative. Why would anyone expect you to put up with someone, who constantly berates you, belittles you and your children, calls you nasty degrading names and speaks only in negativity and repeatedly makes racist and sexist comments? And also expects your constant attention, devotion and care? Sounds insane doesn’t it? Yet I have come up against a few people who think this way.

Our society also seems to see things in as black and white terms as I did growing up in an alcoholic family. Many think it is impossible to love a person and also let them go in order to save yourself. A friend said to me “maybe someday you will be able to forgive your father.” I have already forgiven him. This is NOT about forgiveness, resentment, getting even or anything negative to be very honest. I tried for fifty-five years to get along with my father. I changed and grew and he didn’t. I found I could no longer continue to be around him and survive. His abuse was not only affecting me emotionally, spiritually, mentally but also physically. The actual physical stress of coping with his negative onslaughts on a regular basis was killing me. If I continued, I have no doubts I may have died before he did.

Luckily, I have developed a wonderful support system of friends who support me and want only what is healthy and empowering in my life.
My husband and my daughters also feel the same way.

I have also experienced the amazing insight to see how much more serenity and happiness I have experienced since discontinuing this insanity. I no longer experience the stomachaches and migraines during the days leading up to my weekly “visit”. My blood pressure has gone down. I feel free, probably for the first time in my entire fifty -five years of life. And I refuse to waste any more time either feeling guilty for apparently not being the daughter my father requires or regretting all the years I wasted trying to gain my father’s approval and love.

My sister said to me ”You will feel guilty when he dies”. Well, I may, and if I do, I will work through it with the help of God, therapy and friends.
But to be honest, I doubt that I will. Because I have learned so much in these fifty-five years and I own all my own “stuff “ and I will allow him to own his. I know deep inside that I tried loved and worked all my life to be a good daughter. In order to gain my dad’s love and approval. And it didn’t work.
I have learned the only person’s approval I need is my own. I know I have a beautiful honest soul and that I am enough just the way I am. And I also know my God loves me and relishes my creativity and wondrous spirit.
For me, that is enough.

Do you feel JOY?

I recently participated in a five-week discussion about becoming authentic, loving ourselves and feeling JOY. It seemed more women were willing to discuss what was wrong with them than speak about joy. Does that mean we don’t allow ourselves to feel joy, we don’t know what it is or we just don’t want to discuss it?

About fifteen years ago when I was in therapy, my therapist asked me when I last felt joy. I think I said “when my daughters were born” That was true enough but actually pretty sad since my daughters were teens by then. Don’t get me wrong. I felt good about a lot of things. But JOY? Did I have joy on too high a pedestal? Like ecstasy or some profound emotion only experienced if you witnessed the face of God?
Since then I have worked on many issues in my life: depression, disability, patience, finding serenity, forgiveness, peace, stillness, loving myself and have finally realized in the last few months, I have been experiencing JOY!

It has come in short small bursts like little bubbles and at times loud explosions similar to fireworks. Both are equally wonderful and fulfilling. Joy has also been experienced along with serenity, contentment, passion, fun and stillness.

I think the difference between now and fifteen years ago is: I am experiencing JOY in my soul rather than my head. I was trying too hard, dissecting it, defining it, wanting to be JOY perfect. Since then and after all the hard work I have done, I am into letting it go (whatever IT is), loving myself and others, forgiving myself and others and just BEING.
Therefore, I have been more open and free to feel JOY.

All kinds of JOY.

Joy in the scent of a cinnamon candle or a Heritage rose blossom.

Joy delighting in the play of my golden retrievers or a hug of support from a dear friend.

Joy in setting my eyes on the majesty of Long’s Peak or my grandson in his Halloween costume.

Joy in a friend’s words of affinity or a poem by Mary Oliver.

I could make a list that went on for pages and pages. Which to me is a miracle!!!

Joy I have found is wherever and whatever we choose to call it.
May you find JOY.

100 Things I Am Grateful For

(I make a Gratitude List every day but the 100 list idea I got from Katherine Center)

1) Time
2) Mashed potatoes
3) Leather recliners
4) Golden Retrievers (of course this should be NO. 1)
5) Great pens
6) Blue skies, especially in autumn
7) Monarchs
8) The Eagles (both the band and the bird)
9) Living My Own Truth
10) Soft socks
11) David Austin Roses
12) Soft fleece blankets
13) Estes Park Colorado
14) Wonderful women bloggers
15) Clean Nebraska air
16) Valentino’s black olive and mushroom pizza
17) COFFEEE
18) My gorgeous loving daughters
19) Caramel berber carpet (goes great with golden retrievers!)
20) Four Seasons (the actual seasons , not the hotel)
21) Jacuzzis
22) Rocking chairs
23) Big yummy sea scallops
24) My wonderful grandchildren
25) Puffs Plus!
26) DVR
27) Breathing (I know this seems like a given but I have asthma)
28) Asthma meds
29) breastfeeding
30) James Taylor
31) Trees
32) Dead trees
33) Pottery
34) Books
35) Dragonflies
36) My Mom’s potato salad
37) Swimming
38) Long’s Peak
39) Dill pickles
40) Air conditioning
41) Tastefully Simple’s Creamy Wild Rice Soup
42) Counseling
43) Honest loving friends
44) White sand
45) Morning smooches from my hubby
46) Freedom
47) Daisies
48) Movies (I could list all my favorite movies but that would take up all 100)
49) Velour yoga pants
50) Low humidity
51) Pooper scoopers
52) Highlights (for hair)
53) Coffee houses
54) Mary Oliver
55) Collage
56) Mushrooms (edible)
57) Wolves
58) Four wheel drive
59) Energy
60) Lavender
61) Porch swings
62) Slow dancing
63) My husband’s job/paycheck
64) Born (the shoes)
65) Asparagus
66) My favorite novelists (this too would be a VERY long list)
67) Time to read. : )
68) Sunsets
69) The Serenity Prayer
70) Selka and Gunner (my goldens) and my past goldens Shammy, Sophie and Max
71) Being human
72) Bracelets
73) A Charlie Brown Christmas
74) That I loved being a counselor for thirty years
75) Babies
76) Democracy
77) That I can walk
78) My hair (what little I have left)
79) My soft comfortable bed
80) Massage
81) College football
82) Oatmeal
83) Nail polish
84) Laptops
85) All my neighborhood birds (cardinals, finches, robins, chickadees)
86) Good shower water pressure
87) Martha Beck
88) Laughter
89) A good bra
90) Yoga (and Rodney Yee)
91) Singing in the car
92) Candles
93) Nachos
94) The Dunraven Inn ( a great restaurant in Estes Park)
95) Fuchsia
96) Dangly earrings
97) Chenille
98) Bob Seger
99) AA
100) Being with and loving my husband for thirty years.

Well, I could go on and on but I’m sure you are bored by now.
Make your own list and keep adding. : )

No Topic Thursday

I have been sick with the crappy flu for a week and a half. So I don’t really have any great insights and I haven’t done much besides cough, sniff, blow my nose, gasp for breath, cough some more, snuggle under a blanket with the dogs, watch movies and sleep when I’m not coughing. I have drank herb tea, sipped wonderful soup, taken Mucinex, Echinacea, zinc and Vicksed myself all over.

I have read some when my head wasn’t aching. I am reading Martha Beck’s The Joy Diet, Marian Woodman, Patty Digh’s Life is A Verb and some great articles in the new O magazine. I’ve also been involved in a great discussion based on Brene’ Brown’s new book on perfectionism, being authentic and feeling worthy of love.

I find it so sad that our society does not value girls and no wonder girls don’t value themselves. We as WOMEN need to work to change that. If girls start to love and value themselves, there would be no more eating disorders, addiction to sex, shopping, hoarding, alcohol/ drugs and all the social addictions. We wouldn’t have that big hole inside ourselves we are always trying to fill with something else. I bet there wouldn’t be any more domestic violence either because women wouldn’t look twice at the charming man who is throwing up red flags all over the place!
We’d be strong, fulfilled and have many ways to have our needs met, not from one man.
Today all I can do is nurture myself. Tell myself I am enough. I am lovable, artistic, loving, warm, intelligent and wonderful!!! And then believe it!
You can love yourself too. And spread the word.

The GREAT DREAM

What is your GREAT Dream?

Do you have a GREAT dream? Something you have always wanted to do, or be or make?
The dream you have always been afraid to say aloud. The dream you didn't even realize WAS a dream maybe. Just a foggy feeling in your heart or gut.

Maybe it’s something you wanted to do or be as a child and let it go, like a helium balloon we somehow let escape from our fingers, that floated up, up to the clouds and out of sight.

Or maybe you are older now and have felt a tugging, an urge to do something. But you are afraid. Afraid of failure. Or maybe even success.
Because if you did succeed, THEN what would you do? You’d have to follow through, right? Or not.

Or maybe you are afraid people will think you are stupid, or your idea is dumb, or whatever it is will be ugly. That no one will want it. Or that there really is no way for you to succeed or for the dream to come true. So you bury it and don’t speak of it. Or even acknowledge the dream exists.

I have had many dreams. Some have come true. (To marry and be a mother) Some I chose not to follow. Like becoming a veterinarian and running a homeless dog ranch. (That was my dream as a twelve -year old)
At nineteen, I wanted to become a counselor, so I worked, searched out resources, went to college and became a counselor. For thirty years. But it really wasn’t my GREAT dream.

I also always loved to write poetry. I have since studied, written and had my poetry published. When anyone would push me to submit more, I balked. I thought I had writer’s block. I realize now, it wasn’t my great dream.
Then when my friend wrote a book and had it published, I thought ”That has been my dream!” To write a book. So I have been writing off and on (more off) and now I am wondering if it isn’t my Great dream after all.
I have been ill and have been forced to take it easy, silence and solitude can work wonders. I had felt like I was wasting time, wasting my GREAT dream. Time was passing and I was idle. I wasn’t finding and actually doing my passion! Illness forced me to BE STILL
So I am being gentle with myself. Not pushing as hard. Just being. Doing things I love. Like writing some. Making collage. Playing with my golden retrievers. Having coffee and talking with friends. About who we are and what we want. And discussing our GREAT dream . I am thinking my GREAT DREAM is now. To become the person I have always wanted to be. Serene. Humble. Loving. Kind. Doing the things I love. Being, really BEING with those I love. THAT is IT.

Insights

It has been a week of much growth and many insights for me.
There are times I hold little minute pity parties because I have chronic illnesses and cannot do many of the activities I used to be able to enjoy. Like walking very far, hiking, dancing, gardening, working at my career of being a counselor and obedience training with my dogs.
Sometimes I have felt I am in limbo, waiting to be healthy again and return to my life.

But this week looking back, I realized I am living a full spirit led life!
Saturday night, my writing group did a poetry reading, that was so fun!

Sunday was my grandson’s first birthday party which also was a blast and so great to spend time with my loving family.

Monday and Tuesday I spent time with new and old friends whom I always learn from and gain so much support. We share new ideas and insight, which results in growth!

I belong to Golden Retriever Rescue and on Wed. I did an assessment of an eleven year old golden who is being surrendered by his lifetime owners. Tomorrow I will pick up this sweet pup, take him to the vet for a check up and treatment and then on to a foster home till he finds his new loving forever home.

This week was a week of sadness also as several deaths occurred in the lives of dear friends. My childhood best friend’s mother passed away and a friend of my dear friends who is close to my age died from a heart attack. I also found out that a former client of mine had died months ago and I never knew.
Besides being very sad, it was such a reminder to cherish each moment we have here, love and appreciate the people in your life and always be grateful for the gifts in your life!
Tonight is our favorite college team’s BIG GAME so we’ll eat chili and cheer on the Huskers!
Tomorrow I get to deliver that eleven year old golden retriever to his new life and Saturday I am attending a wonderful women’s workshop called The Feminine Soul!

Saturday is also my oldest daughter’s thirty- fifth birthday!!!! I will enjoy so many memories of bringing this gorgeous child/now woman and mother into the world. We will celebrate together sometime soon, as she will be spending her birthday cheering on her favorite hockey team!

As I look at this one week in my life, I see all the joy, insight, sharing and love I have experienced in just seven days!!!! Life is so good, regardless of whether I can run or not!!!

I hope you see all the learning moments in your week!!!!

Today’s Thoughts


Wow, so much has been going on in the world and in my life, I haven’t had time to write or even know how to pick a subject to write about.


So many different activities have been going on, I’ve had to miss some in order to attend others.

A great workshop called I am Moonrise went on this weekend at Spring Creek Prairie and I had to miss that in order to participate in the poetry reading my Write Stuff group did at Deer Springs Winery. The reading was wonderful with five very good and different writers reading their work. Plus there was beautiful music courtesy of Randy and Pam Barger. My husband came to hear me read and the writers as well as the musicians inspired him. He used to play guitar and it made him miss it. We ended the evening with ice cream and it felt like we had been on a date.

Then Sunday I missed the reading of a play about domestic violence. It is written about the murder of Amanda, the daughter of a friend of mine. I was sorry I had to miss it and look forward to seeing the actual play. I am sure the play is very powerful and emotional!

But my reason for missing that reading was that it was my grandson Garrett’s FIRST BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!! It was so much fun and lots of family were there. We had a great time, and even though Garrett had a cold, he seemed to enjoy his day! Today is his actual birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET GARRETT DANIEL!!!!

So today I am tired, sore but content. I am taking it easy, reading, writing and cuddling with my pups. I really don’t have much insightful to say except, Listen to your spirit and follow where it leads.

The Visualization

I have been on vacation in the mountains so I thought a visualization I use for relaxation/destressing might be appropriate for this week.

Get in a comfortable position and let it roll:


I see a log cabin surrounded by pine and spruce. It sits in a mountain valley, which looks upon Long’s Peak and other thirteeners of the Continental Divide. The dry clean air is fresh with the scent of pine.

A mountain lake is within easy view of the large windows and porch of the cabin. Elk, deer, and even black bears are frequent visitors to this tranquil scene. Hummingbirds flit about the feeders that hang from the eaves. Bald eagles soar high above the firs.
Rocking chairs and a chaise with lots of comfy pillows line the porch for nighttime viewing of the stars as well as the gorgeous spiritual mountains during the day.

The cabin itself has a large soft caramel corduroy couch with plump cushions and big leather overstuffed chairs. A two-story riverstone fireplace takes up one wall and is perfect when warming the room on a cold night.
Cocoa and s’mores taste so delicious when sitting with your feet up on the giant leather ottoman.

For relaxation I can either lay on the porch chaise and gaze at the snowy peaks or relax on the soft couch hypnotized by the flames of the fire.

I close my eyes as soft music comes from the stereo and I relax every muscle in my body slowly, one at a time. I start at the top of my head, working down my neck, shoulders and hands. I picture a warm glowing light warming my body as it moves down, loosening all tenseness and stress, through my stomach, pelvis, hips and down my legs all the way through my feet. The scent of the forest and burning embers of the wood penetrate my nostrils. I feel my self reach a point of perfect calm and freedom from pain.

Above the music but softly, I can hear the voice of my Higher Power telling me I need to be gentle with myself. That it is OK to make mistakes. To learn new things and grow. To create and stretch myself as far as I want. To be with people who support and love me, Everything I need is assessable to me. Love. Comfort. Strength. I am enough, just the way I am.

The Journey

Note: This week’s blog is about a subject where I feel very vulnerable and contains much pain for me. I debated about whether to post it or not. But decided to be brave and honest. I am not in anyway saying I am perfect by any means.


The poem by the incomparable Mary Oliver to the left of this blog speaks to me, as I know it speaks to thousands of people. But even more so this week. Thank You Mary Oliver.

As you may have noticed, if you are reading my blog, I have written or mentioned issues with my father. Family relationships are so complicated.
I know I am not alone in this! : )

I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. My dad is the alcoholic and my mom, until she found a self help program, was crazy and abusive. My mom would tell you this if she was still with us. She found a way to recover from the effects of alcoholism and made amends to her children. She and I were very close later in life. My mom died of an aneurysm three years ago. I miss her every day. But that is for another blog post.

My relationship with my father was much more complex. I am the eldest of four daughters. My dad was a jock and always wanted a son. He is also the alcoholic who was drunk until I was about thirty years old. He stopped drinking but never worked a recovery program. This is called being a dry drunk. The person is not drinking but continues all the unhealthy alcoholic behavior.

My dad’s abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal although there was some physical abuse in my adolescence. I too found a recovery program as a teenager and used the tools I gained there to cope with living with an alcoholic father.

It has worked much of the time but has still been very stressful dependent on my level of serenity and how hard I was working on myself. If I was using my recovery tools I did pretty well. That is until my mother died. Since my mom passed away, my father became even more negative, bitter and abusive. Even though he has since found a new relationship with a woman who lives with him and takes care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, nursing etc)
Recently, after a visit in which he was more vitriolic than usual, I broke. I hit the wall and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped talking to and visiting my father. I could no longer subject myself to his constant negative, vile and abusive onslaughts. This is very difficult for me. It has been a long process of guilt, pain and growth. I am to the point where I have to put my serenity and sanity above any kind of relationship with my father (if can you call a few hours a week of verbal abuse a “relationship”?).
I have many dear friends who are my support system (including my husband and daughters as well as my sisters) They have encouraged me to take care of myself and honor my spirit.

So back to The Journey. My father was the loudest voice screaming “mend me” I finally knew deep deep in my soul, the only choice I could make was to save myself. Painful as it is. There are people who will judge me. But those people do not know me or care about me. The people who love and know me say “Save yourself” and I will. One day at a time.

Getting Older

With approximately seventy six million baby boomers hitting senior citizen status, there are many of us dealing with what growing older means.

Of course maintaining good health is a big topic in the media. Exercise, diets and all kinds of advertisements to stay looking young seem to pervade the airways.

I have several health issues. Some may have been preventable if I had eaten less junk earlier in my life and others weren’t. These health issues involve pain and have forced me to develop coping skills to reduce stress, like meditation and visualization. My health is my number one priority.

These health issues haven’t kept me from noticing how I am physically aging. Not only have I gained weight due to menopause and medications, but I am experiencing definite hair thinning which is both hereditary and also from medications. I am not Christie Brinkley. But am I still experiencing some grief over the loss of my beautiful hair and my young supple body.

I realize these are very superficial losses from aging. Not much different from the wrinkles and sagging that lead so many of us to Botox and plastic surgery. So everyday I say my Thank You’s for the body parts that still work. Especially those that don’t work as well as they used to. My sight, (with glasses) hearing, legs that can still walk though not as far and knees that bend, just more slowly.

Due to my health issues, I am no longer able to workout in the gym or power walk. I am currently making baby steps toward gaining back some of the muscle tone I have lost in the last three years of illness. Just less than four years ago I had firm muscles and most important, felt great health wise. How fast things can change. Please never take your health for granted. You may think you are immune because you eat healthy, work out, take supplements etc. I have talked to many, smug in their strong bodies. Believe me, illness can happen to anyone, organic vegetarian or McDonalds drive through aficionado. People in supposed good health have dropped dead on their daily run.

I am not saying you should live in fear of Death’s angry grasp but please don’t be so judgmental of those who have experienced the bad luck of a disease they didn’t ask for. Everyone who is ill deserves our empathy whether they are Michael J. Fox with Parkinson’s or someone with lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver. Death and aging happens to us all. So hopefully each of us says a big Thank You for every hour we are given.
But for the grace of God go I.

Reinventing Yourself or Finding Youself to Begin With

The other day, I saw a repeat of Nora Ephron on The View from when Julie and Julia debuted and coincidentally I saw the movie this past weekend.
Nora said that Julia Child’s book came out when she was 50! She didn’t become THE Julia Child till after that!!!

How many of us think if we haven’t written a book by 50 or become a pilot or a scientist by 50, it is too late? I definitely have! Well, it’s not and we can.

As Nora Ephron said, women can reinvent themselves at this age or for many, find themselves at 50 (or any age for that matter)

For me personally, it’s a perfect time because my children are grown and gone off to live their own lives. My husband has his own hobbies and I am not working due to health issues. So I am thinking of reinventing myself or just finding myself again.

I am doing affirmations to tell myself I can do anything I want. I am good enough, smart enough (Are you thinking Stuart Smalley(or whatever his name was) from Saturday Night Live?) and I love myself!!!!

I deserve to treat myself with love, gentleness and care. After a very stressful weekend dealing with my very verbally abusive father, I was a mess. I felt beaten down and did not have the energy to build myself back up. I talked with good friends and my husband, who were nurturing to me when I felt I couldn’t be.

After writing my father a letter that I may or may not mail, I am feeling better. I am choosing to be very good to myself today. I am not going to talk to anyone today I don’t want to. I am going to get a special massage for people with Fibromyalgia and I did a wonderful meditation/relation exercise that I had found on line and it put me to sleep. I had my girlfriend Kelly paint “wild & precious” on my arm.

I don’t feel full of energy but I feel better. And I am going to keep being very loving and good to myself, one day at a time!

Looking At Yourself Honestly

Just because I believe I am enough and OK just the way I am, does not mean I am not open to improving myself or looking in the mirror figuratively at what isn’t working and doing what I can to change it.

One of my character defects is reacting to other people. If someone else acts in a way toward me that isn’t nice or that I don’t like, I get bent out of shape, mood wise. I start obsessing about what that person’s problem was or what did I do to make them feel that way?

Apparently, I assume everyone should like me! Well, why not? I am a likable sweet loving person! Who wouldn’t like me? Well, apparently a few people. : ) I occasionally have to have a talk with myself and explain that there are millions of people in the world. Thousands have actually met me and some MAY NOT CARE FOR ME! I just may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I do tend to talk a lot, I do have a definite golden retriever obsession as well as some very strong opinions about breastfeeding, alcoholism and a few other subjects. In some areas, I may turn some people off.

So when someone says something nasty to me (even uncalled for) or when my husband is in a bad mood and makes a grouchy face or statement, I need to tell myself: “Oh well” or “ Guess they are having a bad day” or “Not my problem” . Because it really isn’t my problem. It has nothing to do with me and I don’t have to let their mood ruin my day. They are responsible for themselves. And I am responsible for me. : )

Now if someone is rude or says something I think shouldn’t just get a bye, I can choose to tell them. But I need to think that through first. It can start an argument so I need to make sure I want to go there. I can use ” I “statements, like “I am hurt by that” Or “That was rude and I don’t have to tolerate that kind of treatment”

Another part of reacting to other’s negative behaviors is thinking that means something is wrong with me. OK, here we are again. Back to being enough. Isn’t it just weird and interesting how most things seem to come back to that?

When I look at my part in an interaction with another person that didn’t go the way I wanted, I need to very honestly look at:

1) Did my behavior have any part in how they acted toward me? Was I being rude, selfish, etc?

2) If I truly think I had no part in how they acted, then I need to LET IT GO. It’s on them. Their stuff and really has nothing to do with me. I am enough and OK just the way I am. : )

Having Enough

I have been clearing out, purging the house, of STUFF. Stuff I don’t need, don’t use, have held on to because some day I might wear it , use it or need it? Don’t think so.
I was feeling confined, stuck, and constricted .So out went clothes I hadn’t worn in the last year, piles of shoes (EECK!), and all kinds of Tupperware and nontupperware (butter containers). Junk, like a heart shaped wafflemaker I maybe used once a year (GUESS!) roller blades that belonged to my older daughters, now moved out on their own for twelve years! Most precious of all: BOOKS.
I am a compulsive book reader and buyer. So I had amassed bookcases and stacks of books. Hundreds to go through and sort. Do I want this book? Is it one I read over and over? (I do that) A Keep and Treasure pile and an It GOES pile.
So it all went to Goodwill and the books to the library! Whew! That feels good.

It opened up space. Not only in my house but also in my head and soul. Opened me up for new good things to come into my life. Precious gifts from Spirit. Health. Creativity. Humility. Love.

I am not waiting with bated breath. I am living with intention. I see the brilliant beautiful smile of my grandson Grant whose four-year-old face just GLOWS! I enjoy the beauty of each luscious barely opened blossom on my David Austin roses. My breath sucks in at the sight of the first Monarch butterfly to visit my garden this summer. Cuddling with my soft silky goldens destresses me in five minutes.

I have gratitude. Everyday I say or offer up thank you’s for this rich life I have been blessed to hold. Thank you for these scrambled eggs. Thank you for my good friends who I can call when the road gets hazy. Thank you for my three beautiful daughters who always bring me joy. Thank you for a husband/partner who supports me in many ways. Thank you for this comfortable home where thoughts, prayers and dreams can manifest!

Today I have enough and life is good.

The Caretaker

Most women are the caretakers. We are the ones who not only do all that is involved in raising children to become healthy responsible adults (if I listed it all, this blog would go on long enough to become a book!) but we also care take our life partners, our aging parents, and the dogs/cats/gerbils etc living in our homes. We once had two adults, three daughters, two golden retrievers (one of which often had grand mal seizures involving urine spraying like a sprinkler in the middle of the night.) two white rats, a hamster named Freddie and an iguana named Igor living in one small ranch home at the same time. Yes, that was a run on sentence, in all its glory!

Then add on a full time job, keeping a home: grocery shopping, creating meals, vacuuming, dusting, laundry for an entire family, clothing said family, carpooling to soccer, dance lessons, piano lessons, PTA, girl scouts and hundreds of sleepovers/birthday parties. Then add doctor’s and dentist’s appointments plus taking time off work when the kids are ill or caught lice from someone in their classroom.

When I look back, I wonder where the energy came from! I have a feeling I was running on borrowed time and energy that is paying me back NOW with
Fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome = constant pain everywhere. I ran until I was forced to LIE DOWN. I am not the kind of person who takes lying down easily either. I hate to feel useless, worthless, lazy or generally that I am being a slacker.

What am I supposed to be learning from this? That is what I have been asking myself the last two years while I have been in denial of my health issues. I have had to beat my head against the wall many times thinking I could still work, that I could still hike or even walk around a supersize supermarket by myself.

I now know I need to take care of MYSELF. This is difficult for a caretaker. I didn’t feel I deserved to be taken care of, even by myself! I thought I was being selfish! I was worried what others would say about me.
But reading blogs about loving yourself, working with the great Martha Beck and reading some wonderful self help books such as The Women’s Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden which I used with my clients when I was still working as a counselor.

It is a slow process. Martha Beck says we learn things slowly, turtle steps.
I try to remember to pace myself. I pick up dog poop in the back yard and then I rest. I load the dishwasher and then I take a nap. I eat a fresh peach or make myself a strawberry smoothie. I cuddle my goldens. I do my stretches for these aching muscles. I say The Serenity Prayer over and over.
For those who don’t know it:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.

It is a stress reducer and lifesaver. It works. One day at a time.

So caretakers out there. Learn from my experience. Take care of yourself NOW. A few minutes at a time. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths. Picture your favorite place in the world or your best memory. Allow your muscles to relax. Let go. Whatever it is; the hockey game, the dirty dishes, or the book report your ten-year-old is supposed hand in tomorrow. It will wait ten minutes. So have a decaf mocha or a fresh peach and pet your dog.
You deserve it.

Nurture Yourself

As a substance abuse counselor for twenty - eight years I worked with hundreds of women who needed to nurture themselves.
Needed to appreciate who they were. A beautiful person with so many unique qualities!
These women had spent years hating themselves and filling that hate hole with alcohol/drugs and many other self hating behaviors.

When they came to treatment, besides stopping the use of alcohol or drugs , they needed to learn to do something else. Something positive to take care of themselves and live a richer full life!
As a counselor, I have used this exercise to teach my clients to nurture themselves after I first developed and used it for myself.

Think of your five senses.
Taste,
Smell,
Touch,
Hearing and
Sight.


Then think of different things that nurture you in each of these areas.
List them. Here is my current list

Lavender, Salvia, Catmint and Russian Sage in my garden

The smell of roasting coffee beans.

Sitting in Rocky Mountain National Park in autumn watching the elk rut, hearing them bugle.

Th Eagles singing “Desperado” or anything for that matter.

The clean dry pine air, the beautiful gold of the aspens.

Snuggling with my golden retrievers.

The smell of Noxema

Having a slumber party with my three daughters, watching our favorite movie “When Harry Met Sally”

The smell and sight of lilacs from my deck

Rocking out to Night Moves by Bob Seger while driving

A Mocha Grande with one of my girlfriends

Heavenly Blue Morning Glories

Floating in the warm gulf waters

Reading “The Velveteen Rabbit”

Lying on a blanket at the foot of Long’s Peak

Driving down I 80 in my Jeep in Spring, seeing Bald Eagles perched on dead trees by the Platte and cranes in the fields

Taking my golden retrievers to Wilderness Park and Estes Park Dog Park

Sight and smell of my own David Austin Roses in a vase or in the garden

Watching tapes of Michael Jordan at his peak, as well as Joe Montana.

Watching college football in the fall.

Chocolate mint pie at Tico’s.

Reading “The Night Before Christmas”

Dinner with my husband at Misty’s, one of our favorite restaurants eating their shrimp bisque, fried shrimp and baked potato

My comfy leather couch and a good novel by a favorite author

Sitting by the fire in the Estes cabin.

Reading to my grandsons or cuddling a grandbaby

Listening to Michael Buble sing “Home”

Reading “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown

Clean 1000TC sheets in my own bed.

Now make your own list. Put it where you will see it every day. Read it. You will feel better.

Being Enough

I wrote my very first post for my new blog. I was thoughtful, and nervous, with butterflies running wild and loose under my skin. I was careful of how I was going to word my thoughts, afraid I wouldn't be grammatically correct or that I would sound ignorant or uninteresting.

And then I realized why I am writing a blog to begin with. There are so many girls/ young women/middle aged and older women like me who are too careful, too worried about how they look, what they say, afraid to make a mistake.
I am here to say. You are OK. You are wonderful, and beautiful and creative just the way you are. We need to learn to love ourselves. Accept ourselves, body, mind, spirit.
There is no such thing as a perfect person. We are all human and therefore we make mistakes, screw up, say stupid things, all the time!! You are enough!!!

So I wrote my first blog. and while trying to navigate, attempting to post pictures, add links and other gadgets this site holds, my post was lost! I thought I saved it but it is no where to be found!
My beautiful , carefully thought out words are gone. So here is what I have rewritten.
In all it's humanness. My first / no, second blog post. Now I need a rest!