There are many forms of denial. Such as : knowing in your gut your husband is having an affair but it’s not getting through to your head. Family, friends or yourself with a drinking /drug problem. Just that tiny question that blinks in your head like a neon light about your own or someone’s shopping, sex, eating (or whatever) addiction.
Denial is a coping mechanism our amazing brain has of protecting us from shocking facts in the real world that might just cause us to lose our minds. Really.
Such as the sudden death of a loved one. Our body gives us alittle time to adjust to the shock of an accident, death or horrible experience till we may be able to handle it. That is why it is one of the phases of grief. It serves a real purpose.
But sometimes denial can go on and on and on. We unconsciously or consciously encourage it to hang around after drinks and appetizers for dinner. And then even dessert. Because we just want to keep avoiding whatever is on the other side of the curtain, even though that neon light keeps getting brighter and brighter.
I have experienced denial several times in my life that I am aware of. There may be times I still have not realized denial was hanging around like a hungry dog or mistreated lost relation.
As a child my gut and intuition told me my father had a drinking problem. There were of course blatant signs. He embarrassed me when I had a slumber party in 6th grade by entertaining my friends with his jokes and antics. They thought he was hilarious, I knew he was drunk. He was drunk much of the time. But my mother was also in denial so when I asked her about a specific incident, she told me I had dreamed it! Eventually my mom’s denial broke and she got us all into treatment.
When my daughter died as an infant. I know the denial from the shock helped me cope and then I was able to work my way through the phases of grief.
But sometimes Denial over stays it’s welcome. And it becomes harmful to us. Such as the Battered Syndrome where someone’s life could be in danger and fear and denial may prevent the people from protecting themselves.
I was in denial about my own drinking problem. I thought because I didn’t drink like my dad (didn’t drink every day, didn’t have DT’s, didn’t hide my booze or even drink in my house or around my kids) that I couldn’t be an alcoholic. But slowly reality was presented to me like thin veils of silk being slowly pulled away. I saw that almost every time I drank, I got drunk. I drank for the effect, not socially like many people. I had a very high tolerance: it took many, many drinks to feel a buzz get drunk.
I have seen many levels and faces of denial in dealing with my chronic illnesses. It has been a long ongoing process and since they are all incurable but not terminal illnesses, this will be a process the rest of my life.
I don’t give up hope of remission and having relatively good health again. But at times that attitude can become denial and then I feel frustrated, sad, angry and down right irritating to be around! (Just ask my husband!)
Because I get angry that I am not able to hike, bike, run, shop in malls and large warehouse stores, garden and just plain do all the activities I used to do! I then either try to do things anyway and make myself sick attempting to accomplish just that or I get very depressed and lose hope.
It was recently pointed out to my by a friend who also deals with Fibromyalgia that I need to get assertive with others and myself about the realities of my illnesses. Some days I cannot do anything because I need to rest and take care of myself. I hate telling friends “No” for fear they will abandon me. Well, the truth is: if they abandon me, they weren’t very good friends to begin with.
And I need to find things I can do and that keep me connected with the outside world. Right now those things are to watch TV and movies and use the Internet which includes social networks like Facebook. I have been teased for how often I am on FB and it has hurt my feelings. Well, the truth is: those people don’t live my life. FB and other discussion boards I frequent are my connection to others. Very few of my friends actually come to my house to see me and visit. They are out doing their thing. So I need to metaphorically get off my butt and take care of myself. Because realistically I actually can’t get off my butt at times.
Some days I have less pain and can do some stretching, a little walking and usually have so much guilt about what isn’t getting done around the house that I use all my energy to clean the kitchen, vacuum, clean the bathroom etc. Even on good days, I can’t do laundry or shop in the giant grocery warehouses anymore. I broke down and bought a shower chair. I went to visit my daughter and tried not to feel guilty while I lay in my zero gravity chair and my daughters cooked and cleaned up after meals. What a gigantic leap for me!
So I am pulling away the denial blinders and saying to others and to myself what I can or can’t do that day or week. This breaking a denial barrier was so freeing to me once I let go of the guilt and shame I had associated with being disabled. It still worms its way back in but now that I am more aware I can push it on out.
I realize it is a journey and I have not given up hope that I will gain a level of good health again but as for now, I am out of denial and accepting and loving myself where I am right now!
