The Visualization

I have been on vacation in the mountains so I thought a visualization I use for relaxation/destressing might be appropriate for this week.

Get in a comfortable position and let it roll:


I see a log cabin surrounded by pine and spruce. It sits in a mountain valley, which looks upon Long’s Peak and other thirteeners of the Continental Divide. The dry clean air is fresh with the scent of pine.

A mountain lake is within easy view of the large windows and porch of the cabin. Elk, deer, and even black bears are frequent visitors to this tranquil scene. Hummingbirds flit about the feeders that hang from the eaves. Bald eagles soar high above the firs.
Rocking chairs and a chaise with lots of comfy pillows line the porch for nighttime viewing of the stars as well as the gorgeous spiritual mountains during the day.

The cabin itself has a large soft caramel corduroy couch with plump cushions and big leather overstuffed chairs. A two-story riverstone fireplace takes up one wall and is perfect when warming the room on a cold night.
Cocoa and s’mores taste so delicious when sitting with your feet up on the giant leather ottoman.

For relaxation I can either lay on the porch chaise and gaze at the snowy peaks or relax on the soft couch hypnotized by the flames of the fire.

I close my eyes as soft music comes from the stereo and I relax every muscle in my body slowly, one at a time. I start at the top of my head, working down my neck, shoulders and hands. I picture a warm glowing light warming my body as it moves down, loosening all tenseness and stress, through my stomach, pelvis, hips and down my legs all the way through my feet. The scent of the forest and burning embers of the wood penetrate my nostrils. I feel my self reach a point of perfect calm and freedom from pain.

Above the music but softly, I can hear the voice of my Higher Power telling me I need to be gentle with myself. That it is OK to make mistakes. To learn new things and grow. To create and stretch myself as far as I want. To be with people who support and love me, Everything I need is assessable to me. Love. Comfort. Strength. I am enough, just the way I am.

The Journey

Note: This week’s blog is about a subject where I feel very vulnerable and contains much pain for me. I debated about whether to post it or not. But decided to be brave and honest. I am not in anyway saying I am perfect by any means.


The poem by the incomparable Mary Oliver to the left of this blog speaks to me, as I know it speaks to thousands of people. But even more so this week. Thank You Mary Oliver.

As you may have noticed, if you are reading my blog, I have written or mentioned issues with my father. Family relationships are so complicated.
I know I am not alone in this! : )

I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family. My dad is the alcoholic and my mom, until she found a self help program, was crazy and abusive. My mom would tell you this if she was still with us. She found a way to recover from the effects of alcoholism and made amends to her children. She and I were very close later in life. My mom died of an aneurysm three years ago. I miss her every day. But that is for another blog post.

My relationship with my father was much more complex. I am the eldest of four daughters. My dad was a jock and always wanted a son. He is also the alcoholic who was drunk until I was about thirty years old. He stopped drinking but never worked a recovery program. This is called being a dry drunk. The person is not drinking but continues all the unhealthy alcoholic behavior.

My dad’s abuse has mostly been emotional and verbal although there was some physical abuse in my adolescence. I too found a recovery program as a teenager and used the tools I gained there to cope with living with an alcoholic father.

It has worked much of the time but has still been very stressful dependent on my level of serenity and how hard I was working on myself. If I was using my recovery tools I did pretty well. That is until my mother died. Since my mom passed away, my father became even more negative, bitter and abusive. Even though he has since found a new relationship with a woman who lives with him and takes care of him (cooking, cleaning, laundry, nursing etc)
Recently, after a visit in which he was more vitriolic than usual, I broke. I hit the wall and couldn’t take it anymore. I stopped talking to and visiting my father. I could no longer subject myself to his constant negative, vile and abusive onslaughts. This is very difficult for me. It has been a long process of guilt, pain and growth. I am to the point where I have to put my serenity and sanity above any kind of relationship with my father (if can you call a few hours a week of verbal abuse a “relationship”?).
I have many dear friends who are my support system (including my husband and daughters as well as my sisters) They have encouraged me to take care of myself and honor my spirit.

So back to The Journey. My father was the loudest voice screaming “mend me” I finally knew deep deep in my soul, the only choice I could make was to save myself. Painful as it is. There are people who will judge me. But those people do not know me or care about me. The people who love and know me say “Save yourself” and I will. One day at a time.

Getting Older

With approximately seventy six million baby boomers hitting senior citizen status, there are many of us dealing with what growing older means.

Of course maintaining good health is a big topic in the media. Exercise, diets and all kinds of advertisements to stay looking young seem to pervade the airways.

I have several health issues. Some may have been preventable if I had eaten less junk earlier in my life and others weren’t. These health issues involve pain and have forced me to develop coping skills to reduce stress, like meditation and visualization. My health is my number one priority.

These health issues haven’t kept me from noticing how I am physically aging. Not only have I gained weight due to menopause and medications, but I am experiencing definite hair thinning which is both hereditary and also from medications. I am not Christie Brinkley. But am I still experiencing some grief over the loss of my beautiful hair and my young supple body.

I realize these are very superficial losses from aging. Not much different from the wrinkles and sagging that lead so many of us to Botox and plastic surgery. So everyday I say my Thank You’s for the body parts that still work. Especially those that don’t work as well as they used to. My sight, (with glasses) hearing, legs that can still walk though not as far and knees that bend, just more slowly.

Due to my health issues, I am no longer able to workout in the gym or power walk. I am currently making baby steps toward gaining back some of the muscle tone I have lost in the last three years of illness. Just less than four years ago I had firm muscles and most important, felt great health wise. How fast things can change. Please never take your health for granted. You may think you are immune because you eat healthy, work out, take supplements etc. I have talked to many, smug in their strong bodies. Believe me, illness can happen to anyone, organic vegetarian or McDonalds drive through aficionado. People in supposed good health have dropped dead on their daily run.

I am not saying you should live in fear of Death’s angry grasp but please don’t be so judgmental of those who have experienced the bad luck of a disease they didn’t ask for. Everyone who is ill deserves our empathy whether they are Michael J. Fox with Parkinson’s or someone with lung cancer or cirrhosis of the liver. Death and aging happens to us all. So hopefully each of us says a big Thank You for every hour we are given.
But for the grace of God go I.

Reinventing Yourself or Finding Youself to Begin With

The other day, I saw a repeat of Nora Ephron on The View from when Julie and Julia debuted and coincidentally I saw the movie this past weekend.
Nora said that Julia Child’s book came out when she was 50! She didn’t become THE Julia Child till after that!!!

How many of us think if we haven’t written a book by 50 or become a pilot or a scientist by 50, it is too late? I definitely have! Well, it’s not and we can.

As Nora Ephron said, women can reinvent themselves at this age or for many, find themselves at 50 (or any age for that matter)

For me personally, it’s a perfect time because my children are grown and gone off to live their own lives. My husband has his own hobbies and I am not working due to health issues. So I am thinking of reinventing myself or just finding myself again.

I am doing affirmations to tell myself I can do anything I want. I am good enough, smart enough (Are you thinking Stuart Smalley(or whatever his name was) from Saturday Night Live?) and I love myself!!!!

I deserve to treat myself with love, gentleness and care. After a very stressful weekend dealing with my very verbally abusive father, I was a mess. I felt beaten down and did not have the energy to build myself back up. I talked with good friends and my husband, who were nurturing to me when I felt I couldn’t be.

After writing my father a letter that I may or may not mail, I am feeling better. I am choosing to be very good to myself today. I am not going to talk to anyone today I don’t want to. I am going to get a special massage for people with Fibromyalgia and I did a wonderful meditation/relation exercise that I had found on line and it put me to sleep. I had my girlfriend Kelly paint “wild & precious” on my arm.

I don’t feel full of energy but I feel better. And I am going to keep being very loving and good to myself, one day at a time!