May is not the time of year to be in a funk! (like any time of year works!) Having experienced a major fibro flare up and feeling too crappy to do much besides lie under my favorite blanket and watch TV, I fell into a sad state. Some other issues with my family of origin were also causing stress.I just kept trying to figure out what had caused the flare(was it the long use of prednizone this winter or the cold damp spring?) Although it does help to figure out triggers to avoid them later but right now it doesn't matter much what caused it but what am I going to do to feel better , especially emotionally and spirituallyNOW!
I was actually angry and in self pity because last year I felt so good in all three areas!! I was upset with myself that I had allowed health issues to get the better of me.
So I had a therapy session with ME! I made an action plan for all three areas of my life.
Emotional: I had begun reading Julia Cameron's book Vein of Gold last fall and had not followed through. I knew from reading The Artist's Way that when I do Julia's morning pages, artist's dates and other suggestions she has in her books, I steadily see a great improvement in my attitude and mood.As well as the renewed desire to create again!
SO my assignment is to read a few pages of Vein of Gold every day. The first day it lifted my mood!
Spiritual: Read my daily meditation books every morning and meditate at least ten minutes a day. I had gotten away from many of the daily things that help me not react to things others say and do. Like turning it over, letting go and saying The Serenity Prayer. They may sound simplistic but they work!
Making a daily gratitude list helps me in so many ways. It is so freeing and rewarding at the same time.
It makes me not take for granted and appreciate each birdsong or flower in my garden, my grandsons' smiles/giggles and my goldens unconditional love.
Physical: I have read that exercise helps fibromyalgia. This is hard to take in when you are feeling horrible pain just walking from the kitchen to the bathroom! Or even just lying in bed! But I know the key is to go slowly! So every day I am going to do some stretching /weights work towards getting back to my water exercise class. If I have a particularly trying day such as getting groceries (walking around a large super market is particularly painful. Every step is jarring.) then I take it easy and do stretches from a chair or lying down. I am being very patient with myself in this area.I am continuing to eat healthy foods and focus on moderation.
Plus getting back to practicing what I preach. Nurturing myself. I have been doing nurturing activities but I was doing them mindlessly, unconsciously. So back to basics. Being HERE in my life. Focusing on each activity, each moment. Then , and only then, am I being truly present. Authentically living in the moment.
I'll keep you posted. and please let me know how you are taking care of your SELF .
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Equal Billing
For over thirty years I have seen my husband as some kind of Superman. I know he’s not perfect (believe me, I live with the man! LOL!) but he has always seemed somehow invincible. He is very confident, knowledgeable and always willing to find out how to do something if he didn’t know before hand. He is a hard worker, strong physically as well as emotionally and his values are to always be there for his family.
On the other hand, I have been less confident. If I know something well and feel comfortable in that knowledge, I am OK. But if it is something where I carry any doubt, my history has been to give up, feel like a failure, allow someone else to do it. My husband has always been supportive of me and very patient in encouraging me to take risks, be patient with myself and not be afraid to make mistakes while learning.
I believe we are both of pretty equal intelligence but my conditioning from childhood (I witnessed my mom do this my entire life) was to give my husband the lead. We always have made decisions together but I saw myself over the years giving way to his opinion many times, not trusting my own judgement, unless it was an area of my expertise (like parenting or counseling).
I find this interesting since I also had my father on a pedestal as a child, even though he let me down many times. Looking back I wanted my father to rescue me from my abusive mother but because he was a practicing alcoholic, he was unable or unwilling to do that. When I got older, I was able to accept my father as a human being with faults. But I thought I had learned never to depend on a man, or to stop looking for Prince Charming to rescue or take care of me.
I guess I had the Cinderella Complex (I think this is from the seventies!) and even though on the outside I projected a confident wife, mother and career woman, inside I always doubted being good enough, smart enough, etc.
Unlike my father, my husband also lived up to my expectations of him. His decisions were practical, logical and proved sound and right almost one hundred percent of the time. He projects an all together strong persona even though he is also a person willing to share feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, he’s a true renaissance man!
That was until my husband suffered a heart attack at age fifty-two four years ago. He had surgery and has recovered fully but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact my husband is human and as vulnerable as any of us.
And because we are approaching sixty (!) I am much more aware of our mortality. Days when he comes home from work and is more tired and sore than he used to be brings that home even more to me.
But in many ways this has been good for me/us. I now see us more as equal. I no longer feel like the weak link in our coupledom. We both have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are partners, in this together. I trust my insight and opinions more and I know he appreciates (at least most of the time) not feeling he is carrying a majority of the load. Now that our children are adults with families of their own, I see my husband and I more as both independent, strong (mentally and emotionally) individuals as well as balanced united partners for the rest of our lives. It’s a joyful freedom I now embrace.
On the other hand, I have been less confident. If I know something well and feel comfortable in that knowledge, I am OK. But if it is something where I carry any doubt, my history has been to give up, feel like a failure, allow someone else to do it. My husband has always been supportive of me and very patient in encouraging me to take risks, be patient with myself and not be afraid to make mistakes while learning.
I believe we are both of pretty equal intelligence but my conditioning from childhood (I witnessed my mom do this my entire life) was to give my husband the lead. We always have made decisions together but I saw myself over the years giving way to his opinion many times, not trusting my own judgement, unless it was an area of my expertise (like parenting or counseling).
I find this interesting since I also had my father on a pedestal as a child, even though he let me down many times. Looking back I wanted my father to rescue me from my abusive mother but because he was a practicing alcoholic, he was unable or unwilling to do that. When I got older, I was able to accept my father as a human being with faults. But I thought I had learned never to depend on a man, or to stop looking for Prince Charming to rescue or take care of me.
I guess I had the Cinderella Complex (I think this is from the seventies!) and even though on the outside I projected a confident wife, mother and career woman, inside I always doubted being good enough, smart enough, etc.
Unlike my father, my husband also lived up to my expectations of him. His decisions were practical, logical and proved sound and right almost one hundred percent of the time. He projects an all together strong persona even though he is also a person willing to share feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, he’s a true renaissance man!
That was until my husband suffered a heart attack at age fifty-two four years ago. He had surgery and has recovered fully but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact my husband is human and as vulnerable as any of us.
And because we are approaching sixty (!) I am much more aware of our mortality. Days when he comes home from work and is more tired and sore than he used to be brings that home even more to me.
But in many ways this has been good for me/us. I now see us more as equal. I no longer feel like the weak link in our coupledom. We both have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are partners, in this together. I trust my insight and opinions more and I know he appreciates (at least most of the time) not feeling he is carrying a majority of the load. Now that our children are adults with families of their own, I see my husband and I more as both independent, strong (mentally and emotionally) individuals as well as balanced united partners for the rest of our lives. It’s a joyful freedom I now embrace.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Mother’s Day 2010
This Sunday will be my thirty - sixth Mother’s Day (I am counting being pregnant)! I can’t believe it.. time passed so quickly. Each has been memorable and special in it’s own way but I have always been so grateful to be a mother to my four beautiful daughters.
I am grateful for (Very difficult limiting it to 10):
1) Giving birth to four gorgeous girls. Each birth and child so unique and perfect.
2) The exquisite joy of breastfeeding. Nothing equals that bond /sense of total unconditional love when they gaze adoringly up into your eyes.
3) Even though we only experienced Lindsey here on Earth for a short time, I cherish every moment and so grateful that we took photographs. It’s all we have till we see her again.
4) That in spite of all my inadequacies, my daughters thrived and today are strong healthy women in every way.
5) The days of seemingly endless activity. Ballet lessons, basketball, soccer, baseball games, cheerleading practice, so many clubs I can’t remember, Brownies, 4H, playdates, birthday and slumber parties, school plays, concerts, awards programs & dinners, parent conferences and much more I’ve probably forgotten. Cherish these days.. they are gone too soon.
6) Family vacations in Colorado. Hikes at Bear Lake, playing cards and board games in cabins at the Y with NO TV, wading in cold mountain streams, jeeping it on narrow muddy cliff sides by Ouray (me screaming my head off and gripping the seat while the others laughed at me!) family dinners at fabulous restaurants, and sleeping in rest areas in a packed mini van (three kids and two golden retrievers) camping by Long’s Peak. So many memories to even list or count!
7) Family time watching Husker football and the girls and I enjoying our favorite movies (When Harry met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, While You were Sleeping to name a few, there are hundreds!)
8) Watching my daughter walk down the aisle (doing the ugly cry) and walking my daughter down the aisle (trying to stifle the ugly cry) And someday soon, watching my husband walk his Daddy’s girl down the aisle.
9) Being present at the birth of my daughters’ first children and the privilege of caring for the elder grandchildren when the younger ones were born.
10) Hearing my grandsons say “I Love You Grandma”!!!!!
I love you all so much Casey, Erin, Sam and Lindsey! I am so proud and grateful to be your Mom.
I am grateful for (Very difficult limiting it to 10):
1) Giving birth to four gorgeous girls. Each birth and child so unique and perfect.
2) The exquisite joy of breastfeeding. Nothing equals that bond /sense of total unconditional love when they gaze adoringly up into your eyes.
3) Even though we only experienced Lindsey here on Earth for a short time, I cherish every moment and so grateful that we took photographs. It’s all we have till we see her again.
4) That in spite of all my inadequacies, my daughters thrived and today are strong healthy women in every way.
5) The days of seemingly endless activity. Ballet lessons, basketball, soccer, baseball games, cheerleading practice, so many clubs I can’t remember, Brownies, 4H, playdates, birthday and slumber parties, school plays, concerts, awards programs & dinners, parent conferences and much more I’ve probably forgotten. Cherish these days.. they are gone too soon.
6) Family vacations in Colorado. Hikes at Bear Lake, playing cards and board games in cabins at the Y with NO TV, wading in cold mountain streams, jeeping it on narrow muddy cliff sides by Ouray (me screaming my head off and gripping the seat while the others laughed at me!) family dinners at fabulous restaurants, and sleeping in rest areas in a packed mini van (three kids and two golden retrievers) camping by Long’s Peak. So many memories to even list or count!
7) Family time watching Husker football and the girls and I enjoying our favorite movies (When Harry met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, While You were Sleeping to name a few, there are hundreds!)
8) Watching my daughter walk down the aisle (doing the ugly cry) and walking my daughter down the aisle (trying to stifle the ugly cry) And someday soon, watching my husband walk his Daddy’s girl down the aisle.
9) Being present at the birth of my daughters’ first children and the privilege of caring for the elder grandchildren when the younger ones were born.
10) Hearing my grandsons say “I Love You Grandma”!!!!!
I love you all so much Casey, Erin, Sam and Lindsey! I am so proud and grateful to be your Mom.
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