Looking At Yourself Honestly

Just because I believe I am enough and OK just the way I am, does not mean I am not open to improving myself or looking in the mirror figuratively at what isn’t working and doing what I can to change it.

One of my character defects is reacting to other people. If someone else acts in a way toward me that isn’t nice or that I don’t like, I get bent out of shape, mood wise. I start obsessing about what that person’s problem was or what did I do to make them feel that way?

Apparently, I assume everyone should like me! Well, why not? I am a likable sweet loving person! Who wouldn’t like me? Well, apparently a few people. : ) I occasionally have to have a talk with myself and explain that there are millions of people in the world. Thousands have actually met me and some MAY NOT CARE FOR ME! I just may not be everyone’s cup of tea. I do tend to talk a lot, I do have a definite golden retriever obsession as well as some very strong opinions about breastfeeding, alcoholism and a few other subjects. In some areas, I may turn some people off.

So when someone says something nasty to me (even uncalled for) or when my husband is in a bad mood and makes a grouchy face or statement, I need to tell myself: “Oh well” or “ Guess they are having a bad day” or “Not my problem” . Because it really isn’t my problem. It has nothing to do with me and I don’t have to let their mood ruin my day. They are responsible for themselves. And I am responsible for me. : )

Now if someone is rude or says something I think shouldn’t just get a bye, I can choose to tell them. But I need to think that through first. It can start an argument so I need to make sure I want to go there. I can use ” I “statements, like “I am hurt by that” Or “That was rude and I don’t have to tolerate that kind of treatment”

Another part of reacting to other’s negative behaviors is thinking that means something is wrong with me. OK, here we are again. Back to being enough. Isn’t it just weird and interesting how most things seem to come back to that?

When I look at my part in an interaction with another person that didn’t go the way I wanted, I need to very honestly look at:

1) Did my behavior have any part in how they acted toward me? Was I being rude, selfish, etc?

2) If I truly think I had no part in how they acted, then I need to LET IT GO. It’s on them. Their stuff and really has nothing to do with me. I am enough and OK just the way I am. : )

Having Enough

I have been clearing out, purging the house, of STUFF. Stuff I don’t need, don’t use, have held on to because some day I might wear it , use it or need it? Don’t think so.
I was feeling confined, stuck, and constricted .So out went clothes I hadn’t worn in the last year, piles of shoes (EECK!), and all kinds of Tupperware and nontupperware (butter containers). Junk, like a heart shaped wafflemaker I maybe used once a year (GUESS!) roller blades that belonged to my older daughters, now moved out on their own for twelve years! Most precious of all: BOOKS.
I am a compulsive book reader and buyer. So I had amassed bookcases and stacks of books. Hundreds to go through and sort. Do I want this book? Is it one I read over and over? (I do that) A Keep and Treasure pile and an It GOES pile.
So it all went to Goodwill and the books to the library! Whew! That feels good.

It opened up space. Not only in my house but also in my head and soul. Opened me up for new good things to come into my life. Precious gifts from Spirit. Health. Creativity. Humility. Love.

I am not waiting with bated breath. I am living with intention. I see the brilliant beautiful smile of my grandson Grant whose four-year-old face just GLOWS! I enjoy the beauty of each luscious barely opened blossom on my David Austin roses. My breath sucks in at the sight of the first Monarch butterfly to visit my garden this summer. Cuddling with my soft silky goldens destresses me in five minutes.

I have gratitude. Everyday I say or offer up thank you’s for this rich life I have been blessed to hold. Thank you for these scrambled eggs. Thank you for my good friends who I can call when the road gets hazy. Thank you for my three beautiful daughters who always bring me joy. Thank you for a husband/partner who supports me in many ways. Thank you for this comfortable home where thoughts, prayers and dreams can manifest!

Today I have enough and life is good.

The Caretaker

Most women are the caretakers. We are the ones who not only do all that is involved in raising children to become healthy responsible adults (if I listed it all, this blog would go on long enough to become a book!) but we also care take our life partners, our aging parents, and the dogs/cats/gerbils etc living in our homes. We once had two adults, three daughters, two golden retrievers (one of which often had grand mal seizures involving urine spraying like a sprinkler in the middle of the night.) two white rats, a hamster named Freddie and an iguana named Igor living in one small ranch home at the same time. Yes, that was a run on sentence, in all its glory!

Then add on a full time job, keeping a home: grocery shopping, creating meals, vacuuming, dusting, laundry for an entire family, clothing said family, carpooling to soccer, dance lessons, piano lessons, PTA, girl scouts and hundreds of sleepovers/birthday parties. Then add doctor’s and dentist’s appointments plus taking time off work when the kids are ill or caught lice from someone in their classroom.

When I look back, I wonder where the energy came from! I have a feeling I was running on borrowed time and energy that is paying me back NOW with
Fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome = constant pain everywhere. I ran until I was forced to LIE DOWN. I am not the kind of person who takes lying down easily either. I hate to feel useless, worthless, lazy or generally that I am being a slacker.

What am I supposed to be learning from this? That is what I have been asking myself the last two years while I have been in denial of my health issues. I have had to beat my head against the wall many times thinking I could still work, that I could still hike or even walk around a supersize supermarket by myself.

I now know I need to take care of MYSELF. This is difficult for a caretaker. I didn’t feel I deserved to be taken care of, even by myself! I thought I was being selfish! I was worried what others would say about me.
But reading blogs about loving yourself, working with the great Martha Beck and reading some wonderful self help books such as The Women’s Comfort Book by Jennifer Louden which I used with my clients when I was still working as a counselor.

It is a slow process. Martha Beck says we learn things slowly, turtle steps.
I try to remember to pace myself. I pick up dog poop in the back yard and then I rest. I load the dishwasher and then I take a nap. I eat a fresh peach or make myself a strawberry smoothie. I cuddle my goldens. I do my stretches for these aching muscles. I say The Serenity Prayer over and over.
For those who don’t know it:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference.

It is a stress reducer and lifesaver. It works. One day at a time.

So caretakers out there. Learn from my experience. Take care of yourself NOW. A few minutes at a time. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths. Picture your favorite place in the world or your best memory. Allow your muscles to relax. Let go. Whatever it is; the hockey game, the dirty dishes, or the book report your ten-year-old is supposed hand in tomorrow. It will wait ten minutes. So have a decaf mocha or a fresh peach and pet your dog.
You deserve it.

Nurture Yourself

As a substance abuse counselor for twenty - eight years I worked with hundreds of women who needed to nurture themselves.
Needed to appreciate who they were. A beautiful person with so many unique qualities!
These women had spent years hating themselves and filling that hate hole with alcohol/drugs and many other self hating behaviors.

When they came to treatment, besides stopping the use of alcohol or drugs , they needed to learn to do something else. Something positive to take care of themselves and live a richer full life!
As a counselor, I have used this exercise to teach my clients to nurture themselves after I first developed and used it for myself.

Think of your five senses.
Taste,
Smell,
Touch,
Hearing and
Sight.


Then think of different things that nurture you in each of these areas.
List them. Here is my current list

Lavender, Salvia, Catmint and Russian Sage in my garden

The smell of roasting coffee beans.

Sitting in Rocky Mountain National Park in autumn watching the elk rut, hearing them bugle.

Th Eagles singing “Desperado” or anything for that matter.

The clean dry pine air, the beautiful gold of the aspens.

Snuggling with my golden retrievers.

The smell of Noxema

Having a slumber party with my three daughters, watching our favorite movie “When Harry Met Sally”

The smell and sight of lilacs from my deck

Rocking out to Night Moves by Bob Seger while driving

A Mocha Grande with one of my girlfriends

Heavenly Blue Morning Glories

Floating in the warm gulf waters

Reading “The Velveteen Rabbit”

Lying on a blanket at the foot of Long’s Peak

Driving down I 80 in my Jeep in Spring, seeing Bald Eagles perched on dead trees by the Platte and cranes in the fields

Taking my golden retrievers to Wilderness Park and Estes Park Dog Park

Sight and smell of my own David Austin Roses in a vase or in the garden

Watching tapes of Michael Jordan at his peak, as well as Joe Montana.

Watching college football in the fall.

Chocolate mint pie at Tico’s.

Reading “The Night Before Christmas”

Dinner with my husband at Misty’s, one of our favorite restaurants eating their shrimp bisque, fried shrimp and baked potato

My comfy leather couch and a good novel by a favorite author

Sitting by the fire in the Estes cabin.

Reading to my grandsons or cuddling a grandbaby

Listening to Michael Buble sing “Home”

Reading “Goodnight Moon” by Margaret Wise Brown

Clean 1000TC sheets in my own bed.

Now make your own list. Put it where you will see it every day. Read it. You will feel better.

Being Enough

I wrote my very first post for my new blog. I was thoughtful, and nervous, with butterflies running wild and loose under my skin. I was careful of how I was going to word my thoughts, afraid I wouldn't be grammatically correct or that I would sound ignorant or uninteresting.

And then I realized why I am writing a blog to begin with. There are so many girls/ young women/middle aged and older women like me who are too careful, too worried about how they look, what they say, afraid to make a mistake.
I am here to say. You are OK. You are wonderful, and beautiful and creative just the way you are. We need to learn to love ourselves. Accept ourselves, body, mind, spirit.
There is no such thing as a perfect person. We are all human and therefore we make mistakes, screw up, say stupid things, all the time!! You are enough!!!

So I wrote my first blog. and while trying to navigate, attempting to post pictures, add links and other gadgets this site holds, my post was lost! I thought I saved it but it is no where to be found!
My beautiful , carefully thought out words are gone. So here is what I have rewritten.
In all it's humanness. My first / no, second blog post. Now I need a rest!