Denial (it’s not a river in Egypt)

There are many forms of denial. Such as : knowing in your gut your husband is having an affair but it’s not getting through to your head. Family, friends or yourself with a drinking /drug problem. Just that tiny question that blinks in your head like a neon light about your own or someone’s shopping, sex, eating (or whatever) addiction.

Denial is a coping mechanism our amazing brain has of protecting us from shocking facts in the real world that might just cause us to lose our minds. Really.
Such as the sudden death of a loved one. Our body gives us alittle time to adjust to the shock of an accident, death or horrible experience till we may be able to handle it. That is why it is one of the phases of grief. It serves a real purpose.

But sometimes denial can go on and on and on. We unconsciously or consciously encourage it to hang around after drinks and appetizers for dinner. And then even dessert. Because we just want to keep avoiding whatever is on the other side of the curtain, even though that neon light keeps getting brighter and brighter.

I have experienced denial several times in my life that I am aware of. There may be times I still have not realized denial was hanging around like a hungry dog or mistreated lost relation.

As a child my gut and intuition told me my father had a drinking problem. There were of course blatant signs. He embarrassed me when I had a slumber party in 6th grade by entertaining my friends with his jokes and antics. They thought he was hilarious, I knew he was drunk. He was drunk much of the time. But my mother was also in denial so when I asked her about a specific incident, she told me I had dreamed it! Eventually my mom’s denial broke and she got us all into treatment.

When my daughter died as an infant. I know the denial from the shock helped me cope and then I was able to work my way through the phases of grief.

But sometimes Denial over stays it’s welcome. And it becomes harmful to us. Such as the Battered Syndrome where someone’s life could be in danger and fear and denial may prevent the people from protecting themselves.

I was in denial about my own drinking problem. I thought because I didn’t drink like my dad (didn’t drink every day, didn’t have DT’s, didn’t hide my booze or even drink in my house or around my kids) that I couldn’t be an alcoholic. But slowly reality was presented to me like thin veils of silk being slowly pulled away.  I saw that almost every time I drank, I got drunk. I drank for the effect, not socially like many people. I had a very high tolerance: it took many, many drinks to feel a buzz get drunk.

I have seen many levels and faces of denial in dealing with my chronic illnesses. It has been a long ongoing process and since they are all incurable but not terminal illnesses, this will be a process the rest of my life.

I don’t give up hope of remission and having relatively good health again. But at times that attitude can become denial and then I feel frustrated, sad, angry and down right irritating to be around! (Just ask my husband!)
Because I get angry that I am not able to hike, bike, run, shop in malls and large warehouse stores, garden and just plain do all the activities I used to do! I then either try to do things anyway and make myself sick attempting to accomplish just that or I get very depressed and lose hope.

It was recently pointed out to my by a friend who also deals with Fibromyalgia that I need to get assertive with others and myself about the realities of my illnesses.  Some days I cannot do anything because I need to rest and take care of myself. I hate telling friends “No” for fear they will abandon me. Well, the truth is: if they abandon me, they weren’t very good friends to begin with.
And I need to find things I can do and that keep me connected with the outside world. Right now those things are to watch TV and movies and use the Internet which includes social networks like Facebook. I have been teased for how often I am on FB and it has hurt my feelings. Well, the truth is: those people don’t live my life. FB and other discussion boards I frequent are my connection to others. Very few of my friends actually come to my house to see me and visit. They are out doing their thing.  So I need to metaphorically get off my butt and take care of myself. Because realistically I actually can’t get off my butt at times.

Some days I have less pain and can do some stretching, a little walking and usually have so much guilt about what isn’t getting done around the house that I use all my energy to clean the kitchen, vacuum, clean the bathroom etc. Even on good days, I can’t do laundry or shop in the giant grocery warehouses anymore. I broke down and bought a shower chair. I went to visit my daughter and tried not to feel guilty while I lay in my zero gravity chair and my daughters cooked and cleaned up after meals. What a gigantic leap for me!
So I am pulling away the denial blinders and saying to others and to myself what I can or can’t do that day or week. This breaking a denial barrier was so freeing to me once I let go of the guilt and shame I had associated with being disabled. It still worms its way back in but now that I am more aware I can push it on out.
I realize it is a journey and I have not given up hope that I will gain a level of good health again but as for now, I am out of denial and accepting and loving myself where I am right now!

Where I’m At Today

No matter how much we know or have experienced it always is important to have positive supportive people in our lives.
Their input and positive feedback, even if it’s something we already know, is so helpful. Many times I know something but because I am in pain or stressed, I haven’t thought of it.

Recently I had been telling myself I was in a funk and really down on myself. Other friends had given me feedback but to be honest it was a somewhat negative experience. They were, like myself, implying I had been doing something wrong and needed to “shape up” so to speak.
I have always thought I wanted friends who would be honest with me. That is still true to an extent but I have learned that “their” honesty/truth may not be my truth so it may not feel right/or even be helpful or supportive. I see this now looking back to when I have been “honest” with friends. The way I see their experience may not be what they are feeling at all, because it is coming from my experience, not theirs.

My friend Beth, who is a life coach and a very nurturing soul, pointed out to me that I have been grieving many things. The loss of my father, family support and grieving the loss of all the activities I can not do right now while I am experiencing so much pain. I have been beating myself up over this, instead of, as she suggested, looking at it as a positive thing, a gift, time to take care of myself and heal. Even though I had done this exact thing a couple years ago when first diagnosed, I had forgotten. Since I had felt somewhat better last year, I had a different mindset.

I also had been feeling bad for not having any desire to write on my blog. I had been asking myself why I even started blogging to begin with. I had placed a bunch of expectations on myself about what my blog should be.

Since I have been reading many other women’s blogs, I had become very judgmental of my own. Mine isn’t interesting enough, not funny enough; I don’t have great photos or clever writing.
I also don’t get many comments where some blogs I read have hundreds of followers!

When I thought about why I had started blogging I realized I had done it with no expectations. I just wanted to write when I felt like writing, write whatever I wanted and about whatever I felt at the time. I actually didn’t care if anyone read it or not. Commented or not.  So when did I set myself up with all these expectations?
I don’t have a business I am marketing, not selling a book or in fact, not selling anything.
Back then, I was feeling good about myself and just wanted to share or express the joy.
Maybe I can start feeling the joy again. The unbridled passion. I’d sure like to. I think I already may be  : )

Taking Care of Ourselves

May is not the time of year to be in a funk! (like any time of year works!)   Having experienced a major fibro flare up and feeling too crappy to do much besides lie under my favorite blanket and watch TV, I fell into a sad state. Some other issues with my family of origin were also causing stress.I just kept trying to figure out what had caused the flare(was it the long use of prednizone this winter or the cold damp spring?) Although it does help to figure out triggers to avoid them later but right now it doesn't matter much what caused it but what am I going to do to feel better , especially emotionally and spirituallyNOW!
I was actually angry and in self pity because last year I felt so good in all three areas!! I was upset with myself that I had allowed health issues to get the better of me.
So I had a therapy session with ME! I made an action plan for all three areas of my life.
Emotional: I had begun reading Julia Cameron's book Vein of Gold last fall and had not followed through. I knew from reading The Artist's Way that when I do Julia's morning pages, artist's dates and other suggestions she has in her books, I steadily see a great improvement in my attitude and mood.As well as the renewed desire to create again!
SO my assignment is to read a few pages of Vein of Gold every day. The first day it lifted my mood!
Spiritual: Read my daily meditation books every morning and meditate at least ten minutes a day. I had gotten away from many of the daily things that help me not react to things others say and do. Like turning it over, letting go and saying The Serenity Prayer. They may sound simplistic but they work!
Making a daily gratitude list helps me in so many ways. It is so freeing and rewarding at the same time.
It makes me not take for granted and appreciate each birdsong or flower in my garden, my grandsons' smiles/giggles and my goldens unconditional love.
Physical: I have read that exercise helps fibromyalgia. This is hard to take in when you are feeling horrible pain just walking from the kitchen to the bathroom! Or even just lying in bed! But I know the key is to go slowly! So every day I am going to do some stretching /weights work  towards getting back to my water exercise class. If I have a particularly trying day such as  getting groceries (walking around a large super market is particularly painful. Every step is jarring.) then I take it easy and do stretches from a chair or lying down. I am being very patient with myself in this area.I am continuing to eat healthy foods and focus on moderation.

Plus getting back to practicing what I preach. Nurturing myself. I have been doing nurturing activities but I was doing them mindlessly, unconsciously. So back to basics. Being HERE in my life. Focusing on each activity, each moment. Then , and only then, am I being truly present. Authentically living in the moment.
I'll keep you posted. and please let me know how you are taking care of your SELF .

Equal Billing

For over thirty years I have seen my husband as some kind of Superman. I know he’s not perfect (believe me, I live with the man! LOL!) but he has always seemed somehow invincible. He is very confident, knowledgeable and always willing to find out how to do something if he didn’t know before hand. He is a hard worker, strong physically as well as emotionally and his values are to always be there for his family.
On the other hand, I have been less confident. If I know something well and feel comfortable in that knowledge, I am OK. But if it is something where I carry any doubt, my history has been to give up, feel like a failure, allow someone else to do it. My husband has always been supportive of me and very patient in encouraging me to take risks, be patient with myself and not be afraid to make mistakes while learning.
I believe we are both of pretty equal intelligence but my conditioning from childhood (I witnessed my mom do this my entire life) was to give my husband the lead. We always have made decisions together but I saw myself over the years giving way to his opinion many times, not trusting my own judgement, unless it was an area of my expertise (like parenting or counseling).

I find this interesting since I also had my father on a pedestal as a child, even though he let me down many times.  Looking back I wanted my father to rescue me from my abusive mother but because he was a practicing alcoholic, he was unable or unwilling to do that. When I got older, I was able to accept my father as a human being with faults. But I thought I had learned never to depend on a man, or to stop looking for Prince Charming to rescue or take care of me.
I guess I had the Cinderella Complex (I think this is from the seventies!) and even though on the outside I projected a confident wife, mother and career woman, inside I always doubted being good enough, smart enough, etc.

Unlike my father, my husband also lived up to my expectations of him. His decisions were practical, logical and proved sound and right almost one hundred percent of the time. He projects an all together strong persona even though he is also a person willing to share feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, he’s a true renaissance man!

That was until my husband suffered a heart attack at age fifty-two four years ago. He had surgery and has recovered fully but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact my husband is human and as vulnerable as any of us.
And because we are approaching sixty (!)  I am much more aware of our mortality.  Days when he comes home from work and is more tired and sore than he used to be brings that home even more to me.
But in many ways this has been good for me/us. I now see us more as equal. I no longer feel like the weak link in our coupledom.  We both have our strengths and our weaknesses. We are partners, in this together. I trust my insight and opinions more and I know he appreciates (at least most of the time) not feeling he is carrying a majority of the load.  Now that our children are adults with families of their own, I see my husband and I more as both independent, strong (mentally and emotionally) individuals as well as balanced united partners for the rest of our lives. It’s a joyful freedom I now embrace.

Mother’s Day 2010

This Sunday will be my thirty - sixth Mother’s Day (I am counting being pregnant)! I can’t believe it.. time passed so quickly. Each has been memorable and special in it’s own way but I have always been so grateful to be a mother to my four beautiful daughters.
I am grateful for (Very difficult limiting it to 10):

1) Giving birth to four gorgeous girls. Each birth and child so unique and perfect.
2)  The exquisite joy of breastfeeding. Nothing equals that bond /sense of total unconditional love when they gaze adoringly up into your eyes.
3)  Even though we only experienced Lindsey here on Earth for a short time, I cherish every moment and so grateful that we took photographs. It’s all we have till we see her again.
4)  That in spite of all my inadequacies, my daughters thrived and today are strong healthy women in every way.
5) The days of seemingly endless activity. Ballet lessons, basketball, soccer, baseball games, cheerleading practice, so many clubs I can’t remember, Brownies, 4H, playdates, birthday and slumber parties, school plays, concerts, awards programs & dinners, parent conferences and much more I’ve probably forgotten. Cherish these days.. they are gone too soon.
6) Family vacations in Colorado. Hikes at Bear Lake, playing cards and board games in cabins at the Y with NO TV, wading in cold mountain streams, jeeping it on narrow muddy cliff sides by Ouray (me screaming my head off and gripping the seat while the others laughed at me!) family dinners at fabulous restaurants, and sleeping in rest areas in a packed mini van (three kids and two golden retrievers) camping by Long’s Peak. So many memories to even list or count!
7) Family time watching Husker football and the girls and I enjoying our favorite movies (When Harry met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, While You were Sleeping to name a few, there are hundreds!)
8) Watching my daughter walk down the aisle (doing the ugly cry) and walking my daughter down the aisle (trying to stifle the ugly cry) And someday soon, watching my husband walk his Daddy’s girl down the aisle.
9) Being present at the birth of my daughters’ first children and the privilege of caring for the elder grandchildren when the younger ones were born.
10) Hearing my grandsons say “I Love You Grandma”!!!!!

I love you all so much Casey, Erin, Sam and Lindsey!  I am so proud and grateful to be your Mom.

Going Backward with Body Image

Having recently watched part of Jean Kilbourne’s new video on Brene’ Brown’s blog and you tube, it appalls and saddens me that our society is going backwards when it comes to girls/women body image issues and the media.

Forty years ago I had these same issues as a sixteen-year-old. I thought I was fat, ugly and needed lots of dieting, make-up and help from Seventeen magazine to be attractive. I developed eating disorders and alcoholism in order to cope (among other reasons) as thousands of girls have through out the past decades.
Looking back at photos of myself, I realized years later that I was beautiful and wonderful just the way I was! And I couldn’t see it! I wasted years of my precious life focused on the scale! Think how many thousands of women in our culture have done this! Wasted years, obsessed with diets and looks!

It seems it is just a vicious cycle with the media attention now focused on obesity/junk food epidemic. Yes, many in our society have eating disorders on the other side of the spectrum. But dieting is NOT the answer!
Obsession with our bodies is not the answer!!!!   Diet businesses (Jenny, Nutrisystem, and Weight Watchers among a few) are making millions off our obsession with body image and weight. The problem is it doesn’t work! Most people who diet gain the weight back! (Think Kirsty Alley) The problem is in our HEADS and HEARTS!
The answer is in loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. We are enough. The focus needs to be on WHOM we are INSIDE, rather than OUTSIDE!  Geneen Roth has been writing about this for years. Her new book, Women, Food and God makes the point that our issues are spiritual as well as emotional rather than just physical. When you start focusing on the inside needs and wants, the weight comes off. You may not look like Keira Knightley but you will be the ideal weight for YOU!

As far as the media, as long as we as a culture continues to give the media power over our minds, they of course will run with it. The author Mary Pipher coined the phrase Lookism about thirty years ago in her book Hunger Pains.  It is about the fanaticism with looks. Buying fashion magazines, dieting, checking the mirror/scales constantly is feeding the crazy machine.  I know ads pay for magazines but I am disappointed to see all the ads that promote Lookism in Oprah’s magazine O. You’d think if anyone understood the media/weight/body image issue it would be Oprah!!!!

Please increase your awareness. Watch Jean Kilbourne’s videos on You tube, read books like Geneen Roth’s and Brene’ Brown’s.  Think about whom you are on the inside, not about what size you wear or what skin cream you need to use to look twenty at fifty. We need to change the track on the media/culture’s obsession with looks. We are not who the media says we are!  Please, help our daughters! We are SO much more and WE ARE ENOUGH!!!!

The Two Lives We Live

I just read a wonderful first novel by a great new writer (Losing Charlotte by Heather Clay) that triggered so many thoughts and feelings for me.  It was about a family whose grown daughter died in childbirth. The family related to their daughter/sister as she had been as a child. While the husband of the dead woman, knew her as the adult woman/mother to be she had become and been. And of course those two people (in one body) were both so different and yet the same. As we all are.  Hopefully we are a composite blend of all the stages (childhood, adolescence and adult) as we have grown to the adults we are today. And continue to grow and change our entire lives.

It triggers thoughts about my own family of origin. How my father has tried to keep my self and my sisters dependent on him and his wisdom, yet also has seemed derogatory of us if we took advantage of what he offered or if we didn’t. It has always been a no win situation. And more about him and his needs than ours. He has always resented our husbands and in some ways our children. He has continued to demand his place as NO.1 in our lives. And it makes me wonder if I seem that way to my grown children.

No one will ever understand (if they even do then) until they have children of their own and feel that bone deep need to love and protect this tiny being they have created. That feeling never goes away, even when your own children become parents themselves.
And they (the children) won’t understand THAT feeling until they become grandparents or even just parents of adult children who no longer need you because they now have their own family or spouse, who of course moves ahead in line of priority of you.
It is as it should be, as you know in your head that you have always been moving/growing toward this day. Raising your child to be a person of independence, love and integrity who can go out into the world and be whole. But as you are moving through every day of your life, loving them, nurturing them, they are growing away from you. You go from being the most important person in their lives to way down the priority list, though they always remain Number One with you. Which is as it is meant to be as time moves us on.
Life is all about growing, changing, and evolving. Giving, letting go.

Even as we know our child as an adult, part of us still holds on to the person they were as an infant, a toddler, a shy grade schooler, wild teen etc. We may love them, think we know them still, but we don’t know the person they are with their spouse on a daily basis, the parent they are to their child in every minute of every day, the friend they are. And that their priority is now their new family. The family they have created apart from you, their parent.

I remember vividly my first taste of this change. We had taken our newly married daughter and her fresh faced husband to the airport the day after their wedding where they would fly away across the ocean on their honeymoon. They were grateful to us for all we had done and hugged and kissed us goodbye. But as I wiped away my tears I watched my beautiful daughter who was now a wife, grab her husband’s hand, gaze happily into his eyes and gallop down the ramp excitedly, leaving us far behind, as in a time warp, in the past and out of mind.

This issue has so many facets I can’t begin to discuss them all here. It was just so obvious in this most beautifully written novel how parents of adults see their children in such a different light/reality so often from whom those now adults really are. It is always tinged by our view of them as children somewhat.
Now that all my children have spouses and some children and as proud as I am of them and what amazing parents/adults they have become, there is a small grief that only parents have known. When you know you would still lay down your life for your child and of course they would do the same for their own child. You as the parent have completed your job, for they have let go of you and moved on. You are no longer their first thought, their priority and that is as it should be. But so bitter sweet.
Which is why I have dogs who never grow up and happily lap up my entire extra love and attention!

Breastfeeding: The Pros and Cons (and get this: there are no cons.)

This is a topic I feel so strongly about and SO important, I can’t zip my lip any longer. The zipper has popped! It is too important to our children.
And in this new health care/healthy-eating climate, it should be the NO.1 Topic on any health expert’s tongue!  With Jamie Oliver/Michelle Obama and how many others worrying about childhood obesity/diabetes, let’s start at the beginning! Way before McDonalds, school lunches and Pepsi.

Mothers who take offense to us pro breastfeeding gals, saying we are trying to make them feel guilty, imply they are bad mothers etc, Not true and I disagree strongly! I have never met any nursing mom who has said any such thing. We want all babies to have a healthy start! BUT I think it is just as important to put as much concern into what is nourishing your baby’s brain/body as to what kind of car seat, stroller, clothes he/she wears.

First: I think most of us know the pros. It has been proven to be the best food for your infant hands down. Anyone who says formula is equal is sadly deluded. The facts speak for themselves. Even formula companies admit it!

Antibodies, perfect temp, perfect container, designed by God herself!
Also hundreds of pros for mom and so convenient! Always available, no fuss, no mess.
If you don’t know the pros: google it!

And the bonding. Don’t get me started. There is no greater feeling in the world than when your infant is cuddled in your arms, oxytocin and prolactin flowing and your child holds your finger and looks up into your eyes as they suckle.  If you haven’t experienced it, yes, you have no idea what you are missing!
Now I agree we need more education, more support, more educators and
more funding!!!  I do not put down moms who didn’t have enough milk, had poor latch, sore nipples and hundreds of other issues that can happen when attempting to breast feed with or without support.

Yes, even though it should be the most natural act in the world, it isn’t in our fast paced, overworked, keep up with the Jones’s society.

I do have an issue with moms who aren’t willing to put their child’s health first. Not sorry either. Mom’s who don’t want their breasts to sag (guess what: it was the pregnancy anyway but even if it wasn’t: what is more important really?)  Or think it is easier to mix up a bottle rather than sit down and nurse their beautiful baby?  And as for the moms who “say” they are breastfeeding when they are pumping/bottling? I understand working moms have to pump and send a bottle of breastmilk to daycare. My own daughters do it. God bless them for pumping in some of the most unbelievable circumstances. That is a whole other blog. Breastfeeding or pumping in a bathroom stall is INSANE!!!!!! Would you eat YOUR lunch in a stall?
 But pump all the time? No breast to skin contact? That is sad for both mother and child. Sorry but true.
There are a ton of other excuses I have heard that were totally sad. (like Dad wanted his time. Are you kidding me? Give the kid a bath, Dad. Rock the baby, change the baby, or when baby gets older, feed solids or even a bottle with breastmilk if necessary)

Also lack of sleep from getting up at night to feed baby. This blows me away. Thinking it is easier to get up and make a bottle. Yeah, right. You still have to sit up in a chair to feed the bottle.

Oh yeah: formula fed babies sleep longer!!! That’s because their stomachs are full of lead that takes many hours to digest (or not digest) where as breast milk, which is perfect for baby, digests quickly as God designed it. So they are hungry more often. My answer was to take baby into bed with me, nurse and go back to sleep. For parents afraid of overlying their babies (this really only happens with drugged parents) there are now many cosleeping apparatus on the market to keep baby close and safe.
And as far as it hurting. OK, sometimes it might hurt. Especially at first when your breasts are tender, you are sore from childbirth and sleep deprived, emotional from postpartum hormones, that’s when Moms need the support!
I have been there: sore nipples, cracked nipples that bled, mastitis, baby on nursing strike, etc. But this passes. I don’t remember when I first felt that inexplicable bliss but it wiped out every possible negative con I could come up with. The sad part is many moms don’t make it to the bliss. : (
They give up. And then they get defensive and some become anti breastfeeding and anti breastfeeding supporters/advocates.

I know I was lucky or just so damned stubborn nothing was going to stop me. I knew in my gut/heart that breastfeeding was best and that was what my kids were going to get. Yes, I had problems. It wasn’t perfect by far. But it was wonderful, rewarding; the bonding with my daughters was the most beautiful experience I have ever had. (and yes I do have a good relationship with my husband and am psychologically balanced.) And just as rewarding to me is two of those daughters have breastfed their children (five boys so far). I still have one daughter who even though not married yet, intends to breastfeed her someday babies. She has witnessed the magic. : )

I experienced the death of my daughter Lindsey, (our youngest) whom I never got to nurse. She was a preemie (placenta previa) and in the neonatal unit. I began pumping colostrum but she died of a brain hemorrhage at two days old before she could try nursing. I had been forced to wean my then two-year-old daughter due to the hemorrhaging of that pregnancy. It was difficult on everyone. But it was a healing/rebonding experience when I came home from the hospital to a traumatized two year old (six week separation from mom) we sat down in the rocker and nursed. Healing for both. Today she is a healthy independent twenty seven-year-old.

OK, I am ready for the agree to disagree pact I have made with my friends. Many of my friends did not breastfeed their children. Whether it was for lack of knowledge, support, a bad past history/experience etc. It is definitely a HOT Button Topic. Almost as bad as politics or abortion.

I have avoided blogging about till now. I have written some blogs and FB comments that have ruffled some feathers but nothing like when it comes to this topic, I am sure. I can’t believe that in the year 2010, this is still an issue! It makes me angry!!! I breastfed in the 70’s and 80’s. (My mom did not breastfeed but was very supportive of me doing it) When the only support was Le Leche’ League. (Yes, us fanatics.) Now days there are lactation consultants in hospitals, midwives, and breastfeeding centers (I worked at one of the first for four years!)

This is a very important subject to me. I believe in it as strongly as I believe alcoholism is a disease, my dogs are part of my family and we are each responsible for ourselves and can’t control anyone else.

I am sorry if you disagree but to be blunt, it’s a fact.

Making It Through Cycles and Coming Out Brighter on the Other Side

Having been ill with a virus and then pneumonia for the past month, I have struggled to keep my spirits up and not get buried under my low energy and lack of oxygen!  As much as I have unending gratitude for the blessings in my life, day after day of feeling like crap can zap me and then I cycle into self recriminations /judging myself and how dare I feel anger, self pity or just low energy.

I seemed to have more Joy and creativity during the gray cold days of Winter than I do now as Spring is bursting open! I assume that is part of the reason for my slight depression. Just when I want to mulch, compost, garden and spring clean, I am congested and even the slightest bit of dust sets me into a round of coughing and wheezing!

Just before I became ill, I was reading Julia Cameron’s Veins of Gold (which I have had forever and never got around to reading!)
I had gained so much a few years ago from rereading The Artist’s Way and felt the need to stir my creativity/ spirit in those cold days of winter.
Well, becoming ill put an end to reading or anything creative. All I could seem to manage was sleep, cough, gag, sneeze, blow and maybe watch a movie when my head wasn’t throbbing. And just as I was so proud that I recovered from the virus /infection without an antibiotic (which seem to wreak havoc with me) I developed the pneumonia. UGH.  So I convinced my physician that I still didn’t need an antibiotic but prednizone for my asthma which I knew was responsible for clasping down on my inflamed lungs and bronchial tubes! She made me promise to contact her immediately at the first sign of fever/infection. And now as I cough less and come to the last three days of steroids, I am manifesting healing lungs and fresh energy, just as the world is growing green and the sun moves farther north!

It is interesting to me that a wave of anger triggered my new burst of energy and creativity. I awoke to words and poems tumbling around in my head.  I wrote and wrote, including some amends letters I have put off writing for months.  I feel refreshed and ready to begin anew to nurture myself physically, emotionally, spiritually and creatively! I plan to sit in the sun today, reading Veins of Gold, listening to native drum music, soaking up birdsong and the fresh breeze. I am manifesting not only healing but forgiving myself for my human failings of not always being grateful or joyful. And hoping the eternal cycle of the seasons returns my Joy and Gratitude on the wind.

High/Low

In the movie The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer, they play a married couple with two kids who every evening around the dinner table do “High /Low” with their kids. What was the High of their day and what was the low? I really wish not only would my parents have done this at our dinner table but that my husband and I would have asked our kids this question every night around the meatloaf and green beans.  We asked, “How was your day?” Well you can imagine the usual answer we got to that! “OK” ! And when we went for specifics usually got an “I don’t know”. Luckily our kids grew up to be healthy responsible adults in spite of us!

So today I ask myself “ What was your high? And what was your low? Most days I don’t even really have a low!!! How lucky am I?

Today I had many highs!  It was a beautiful 78 degrees and sunny.  I spent time with good friends, went shopping for yummy food to enchant my grandsons when they come to lunch tomorrow, ordered dog safety restraints (again) for my two golden retrievers and listened to the Irish Tenors sing Leonard Cohen’s glorious “Hallelujah” What an amazing day!!!

My only low was that I had to go to the doctor to get a script of steroids for my asthma that has been acting up. But it’s actually a high that I have such an amazing doctor and was able to get in on short notice!

Every morning I make a short gratitude list (with different things from the day before) and every night do High/Low. It puts my life in very clear perspective!  What’s your High/Low?

Love and Acceptance

This has been a week of political differences, some cheering, some angry, some sticking their heads in the sand. I have heard many opinions, on TV, from friends in person and on Facebook.

I usually try to avoid butting heads with my friends over politics.
It’s difficult in these hard times not to be emotional and I have friends of all persuasions. They have reasons for believing as they do and so do I. I don’t like conflict and try to avoid it but when it is something I feel very strongly about, I will take a stand.

My husband and I have political differences. He is strongly conservative and I am more moderate. We have been together over thirty years and have changed in our thinking since we were twenty-five. Which is natural if people learn, grow, and think.
On many things we agree and if we don’t, I prefer to just agree to disagree. As long as our basic beliefs and values are the same, we are fine. I also feel somewhat the same way about my friends. I don’t feel as strongly about sharing all the basic beliefs and values with a friend but do expect mutual respect, loyalty and love.
With Facebook, it is different. Many of my Facebook friends I have never met in person. I have become friends with those individuals on line because we share some mutual interest. So we don’t have a background of the above requirements for friendship.
But I do have some standards for those “friendships”. I still want to be treated with respect. I guess I call it FB tact. It’s OK to disagree respectfully. Your page is YOUR place to tout your opinions so please don’t dirty MY page with your snarky /rude comments. I have the right to state my opinions about politics, personal issues  of which I believe strongly and comment about my life as do you on your page. If I do state an opinion on another’s page, I try to be respectful. I have to admit I have failed a couple times when emotions (mostly hurt feelings ) got the better of me.
If  “friends” cross this line too many times, I have reached the point where I either hid or even defriended them. Sometimes it just isn’t worth the energy it takes to remain FB friends.

We always have to weigh things in life. Is the friendship worth balancing the disagreements? Is there love and respect in the relationship even if we disagree about many things? And are the things we disagree about very important values of mine where I have to take a stand?
An example might be: if my husband all of a sudden thought extramarital affairs were something he now believed in. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Or if a friend really hated dogs and constantly made comments to me about how could I stand having a dog etc. Being mean to my dogs would be a no brainer.  THAT would also be a deal breaker for me.
Every person has to set their boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn’t in a relationship. It can be painful. It is difficult.

And most of the time if you are wise, you have chosen friends who respect you as you respect them.  If not, you may need to hit “unfriend”.

Nobody’s Perfect : Trust Your Gut

I have had black and white thinking  (all or nothing) my entire life and I come from a long history of black and white thinkers (alcoholics most). But in the thirty years I have been in recovery from alcoholism /drug addiction I have also worked hard to straighten out my thinking.
Because the drinking is just a symptom of how messed up my thinking can get!  I tend to react strongly to what normal people would think are small issues. I tend to think I am unique (hence NO.1).    I also tend to find someone /something I love, be it an author, a movie, a dessert and go whole hog crazy over it!   I have been known to find a sudden fancy for a food (like quesadillas) and want to have it every night for weeks. (Well, maybe not EVERY night but at least every Friday night!) Then I get tired of it and go on to something else. Thank God my husband is a patient man who loves me dearly.

When I do this with people, I am so thrilled by what they have to say, or write or create that I begin to think in a very deluded way that they are super human, perfect, have it all together. And I don’t even realize I am doing it!

Because I know TRULY that no human being is perfect. But sometimes if someone writes a book I really relate to strongly, I want to think they have all the answers.

I recently had this experience with an author I have liked for years. Geneen Roth has written many books about compulsive eating (all of which I own) and how to heal yourself and be able to eat normally.  She currently has a new book out and I was reading her blog. Now I have to say, Geneen has always been incredibly real, open and honest about herself and her humanness. It was ME who put her on some kind of pedestal. When she admitted in an article for Salon and the Huffington Post that she lost her life savings to Bernie Madoff, I felt sorry for her. Then she said she had never paid off her house because in
her own words: “Why didn’t I pay my mortgage off? And if I don’t engage in blame, I see the answer clearly: because I believed in something else more. I believed in accumulating. And when you believe in accumulating, you see what you don’t have, not what you do. You lose touch with what you value more than money.”

I have to admit, I felt disappointed. I felt disappointed in someone I have never met because I had told myself that Geneen knew it all. And she doesn’t. She is human. I am human. We all are. In fact, she was extremely honest and humble, writing about the fact that she hadn’t paid off her mortgage.

Yes, we can learn from mistakes and figure out what’s really important in life but most of the time it takes our entire life to do it. Sometimes I know more and have more life experience than the person whose book I am reading! I may not know everything. But I do know a lot and I don’t always give myself credit for that. I am not saying this to put Geneen or any other author down. I am saying I don’t appreciate my own knowledge and life experiences enough.
And I am sure that is true of many of us. Because otherwise there wouldn’t be so many GURUS running around!  Food, diet, exercise, life coach gurus etc who tell all of us so much stuff we already know!!! If we would just trust our guts and listen to our intuition!  But we have been taught in our society not to trust our intuition. Maybe Geneen even had a little voice in her gut telling her to pay off her house!

A Week of Worthiness

Brene’ Brown over at her blog Ordinary Courage has asked her readers and fellow bloggers to write about Worthiness this week.

I already wrote about Living in the Moment this week but the two actually kind of go together. Because I believe if we are truly living in the moment then we must be being authentic and therefore be fully into our worthiness. There isn’t time to put up a front if we are in the moment. There is no time to put on our clever or the phony face we think others want to see, like or accept.

I am most into feeling worthy when I am around the people I know love and accept me for who I am.
I fall into unworthiness when I feel I am being judged, misunderstood, not accepted or not OK just being who I am.

I get the unworthiness feeling when people judge me or other people on their grammar. So what if I mistyped and wrote their instead of there. Or lie instead of lay or viceversa. There are groups of people on Facebook who actually judge people for this!   I have a college education. I am fifty six years old with fibrofog and occasionally mistep with my grammar, type too fast without my brain catching up and even just don’t give a damn if it is lie or lay!!!

I feel unworthy when someone puts down my idea or opinion.  I know in my head this has nothing to do with my worthiness but my child inside /gut feeling is UNWORTHY!

I lead workshops on nurturing ourselves. Because women tend to be the nurturers of others and forget themselves or put themselves last on the list and never get there. To nurture yourself means to hold yourself in loving arms and say “I am worthy of love and care”

This week let us all feel our worthiness. Take time to tell yourself and do things to nurture that worthiness in yourself and those you love. You are OK no matter what your job, your hairstyle, your opinions or whatever! We are OK as we are. We are enough.

Living In The Moment

I was thinking last night about writing this week’s blog on Living in the Moment. I had some specific examples and should have written them down because now I have forgotten what they were! See if I was living in the moment, I’d have grabbed a pen right then and there!

I do know that when I was young, I really didn’t live in the moment. I was always waiting for the next thing. Hoping, dreaming in suspended animation. Waiting for when I’d be old enough to date, old enough to drive, go to college, get married, buy a house, have kids, etc. and my biggest one = when I lose weight. No matter how much I weighed, I was never thin enough. Looking back, I WAS THIN!!!! But due to my total distorted body image I couldn’t see it. I actually rarely agreed to have my photo taken due to thinking I was fat! Today I am somewhat overweight but now I focus on the moment, not “when ”.
When I did have kids, I wanted to treasure each moment but I also thought about when they would crawl, when they’d walk, feed themselves, talk, etc.
Now my daughters are grown with their own families. Today I do live in the moment with them and my grandchildren, cherishing each second, each smile, kiss, hug and word.
Maybe age has something to do with us learning to live in the moment and absorb life going on around us. Spiders only live a few weeks. I am sure they don’t worry about “when I get this web done”. Dogs live such short life spans compared to humans. Just watch your dog and you will see how they take each moment as it comes. They find so much enjoyment in their treats and food. Totally adore a kind word or stroking of their head. My boys radiate joy when they retrieve over and over again.
My mother died four years ago of a brain aneurysm. I  had lunch with her on Thursday and she fell unconscious Friday evening and died on Monday.  I am so grateful that we had left nothing unsaid. She knew I loved her and I knew she loved me. Because we told each other all the time.
I have tried to express my feelings and gratitude in the moment for all those close to me. I want no regrets.
Living in the moment leaves no room for worry or regret. When you take care of things as they happen, be it sharing your gratitude or making amends, you will live life to the fullest.
Most of all, living in the moment enables us to enjoy each and every second of this amazing life of which God has blessed us. Every sunny day, every butterfly, snowflake, hawk, rainbow, child’s giggle or kiss from a loved one. Cherish each second.

Please Spring COME!!!!

I know we ALL are longing desperately for signs of SPRING. (it's twenty days away!) This has been a LONG COLD winter with more snow than we would have ever imagined. (Staying Positive that snow is over and GREEN is on it's way!) I saw a group of robins near the street on Friday , narrowly missing some that flew in front of my car. The temp is still below normal in our area but at least it's above freezing which feels like a heat wave. The warmer weather triggers Spring Fever after so many weeks of cabin fever!
Last spring my husband finally removed our old jacuzzi from the deck which had been nonfunctioning for several years. I am hoping we can rebuild our deck this spring so we have more room to entertain guests or just to have family dinners. Since I am unable to do the work myself, I am staying positive that my husband and sons in law may get it accomplished!
My garden right now is still covered in snow (and underneath the snow : dog poop) and will require some work to bring it back to it's former beauty. Hopefully the snow was a good insulator and protected my roses from the cold temps. We didn't have any freeze/thaw/freeze action this year which was actually a life savor for all my plants.
Here's to green, splashes of pastels and sun!!!!
The photos below are of my garden in spring!

Will I Ever Learn? Following My Own Advice.

Just when I think I finally have some wisdom or have an issue resolved, it always seems to come back and bite me in the ass!

I spent most of the last two years, just being. I was too sick to do anything else. I had always been about action. I had to always be DOING something whether it was creating, working, planning, controlling or just busy work! But two years ago, I couldn’t. I was physically shot. Oh, I would try mentally to plan, manipulate ( I admit it now but didn’t see it then) control myself and others, and attempt to figure out where I was going in my life and what I need ed to do to get there. But I was hitting the brick wall. That wall named PAIN. I talked to everyone I knew about it. My good friend finally said “Why don’t you give yourself permission to just BE and HEAL”

So because I couldn’t physically do anything else, I let go of my mind and spirit or in better terms, turned it ALL over to my Higher Power. I still read, meditated, talked with friends but the ACTION that had always kept me occupied and vibrating, was gone.

I was able to feel peace. Serenity. Contentment. It was amazing and wonderful. I created a vision board and every single dream on it manifested and came true. (Most of it was spiritual)

So I have been feeling somewhat better physically, a whole lot better emotionally and spiritually and I think I can may be able to DO a few things. I joined a program to help women find their authentic selves. I attended some workshops on The Feminine Soul and Awakening The Muse. I have been getting regular massages, eating well and beginning some baby steps back to yoga and quigong. I decided I could present a workshop on Nurturing Your Spirit. It was magnificent! Nineteen women came and shared themselves and their fears and hopefully learned some ways to better care for themselves.

But I must not have learned much myself. I spent the next two days in bed because I was totally exhausted and hurting. (I have fibromyalgia and Sjogren’s Syndrome, both of which are very painful)

I began talking with others about more groups, workshops, renewing my counseling license (which would require forty hours of workshops ) and then SMACK! God and my husband both hit me figuratively upside the head! I realized I was back on the rollercoaster in my mind and ACTION was taking over, which had landed me in bed to begin with two years ago. DUH!!!! Do I ever learn? Well, yes, I guess I do. And that’s why I have a God, a great husband and dear smart friends I trust who pointed out to me: I need to pace myself (apparently much slower than I have been) practice what I preach (Put on your own oxygen mask first) and be realistic about what I can and cannot do.

Yes, I may be able to present a workshop or facilitate a group for an hour or so every few months. I am chronically ill (a fact) and even though I feel better sometimes, it doesn’t mean I can run myself ragged. Especially like “normal” people do. I tend to forget.

I have a short term (and apparently long term) memory problem.

So today (after I did too much laundry and cleaning around the house) I am sitting myself down and taking slow deep breaths.

I’ll meditate, maybe watch a movie and be grateful that I am still taking in air. Tomorrow I am having a stress test/echocardiogram due to my over doing it and hopefully it will be clear!

So I am taking my own advice, nurturing my own spirit. Some of us just have to learn that way.

Valenbirthday Celebration

Well, it’s my birthday week and it has gotten off to a wonderful start. Hubby and I went to a movie and out to dinner to our favorite local restaurant. We then went home and cuddled with our golden boys to watch the U.S. win their first gold medal in the Olympics.
I also received a much-treasured gift. A beautiful locket necklace (called Lockitz) with a photo of my beloved husband and I on our wedding day on one side and my sweet goldens Selka and Gunner on the other.
Tomorrow I am taking my golden boy Gunner to the vet ophthalmologist in Omaha for his check up. Please pray that he has a good report. Gunnie has golden retriever uveitis, glaucoma and a cataract. He has responded well to treatment but could end up losing his eyes to this horrible disease. After the vet visit we will celebrate my birthday with my oldest daughter and grandsons who live in Omaha by going to lunch.
Tuesday I am having lunch with my friends, Wed. my actual Birthday!! I am having breakfast with a dear friend and then an hour and a half massage!!!!! Fri, having lunch with another good friend and then Sat. my sister is taking me to lunch and a movie and then that night all our kids are going to dinner with us! I have other birthday lunches planned even into the week after!
I am so blessed to have my loving husband, family and very amazing friend s to celebrate with!!
The only fly in the ointment is some worse than usual fatigue, shortness of breath and alittle atrial fib going on so my doctor is scheduling a chemical stress test for me ASAP just to be safe. Please pray that this is just a precautionary measure and nothing serious.
I have been eating very well and plan to continue even with all of the meals eating out this week. Hopefully I can get back to my exercise if we can figure out this exhausting fatigue.

I hope all of you enjoyed a wonderful Valentines Day.
I know I did. I feel very very blessed.

Nurturing Saturday

WOW!!! Yesterday was so amazing!!!! My Nurturing Your Spirit workshop was a wonderful success thanks to the inspiring nurture seeking women who attended!!!
We had a perfect turnout (a great number of women but just the right size for the facility and to keep it comfortable and cozy)
A gentle fire in the fireplace, muffins, fruit and coffee and a cozy circle of comfortable furniture set the stage.
Everyone participated, came up with unique nurturing ideas/images for themselves and broadcast so much positive energy to the rest of the group.
Everyone seemed inspired to make their own Vision Boards. Assets list and use the affirmation badges I made as well as the bibliography of inspiring books.
We ended with a relaxation and guided imagery poem I had written.
It was very powerful and emotionally energizing for me and I am so grateful to all the amazing women who helped set it up and participated!! I look forward to many more great workshops through Amethyst!
I was exhausted, went home and went to bed but my spirit was so nurtured and nourished by these vulnerable women who opened themselves up for this experience. I am grateful to you all.

Taking Care of Ourselves

I attended a workshop yesterday with twelve women called Awakening the Muse. I knew a few of the women and the others I had never met but felt a kinship as we were all somewhat close in age and interested in bringing change and more creativity into our lives.
We chatted about why we were there, filled out a questionnaire designed to help us get more in touch with our muse by our interests and facts about our lives. That was followed by a guided imagery and making a Muse Box. The facilitators had a table laden with all kinds of papers, markers, glue, glitter to help us decorate our tea cans and turn them into Muse Boxes that will hold anything we desire! Then we chanted to bring the first of three such meetings to a close. I drove away feeling so filled with light and joy!
Next week I am facilitating a workshop on Nurturing Your Spirit. It is a two-hour group to give women a heads up about ways to feel good about themselves.

Women today are SO busy, distracted, stressed and focused on OTHERS that we just aren’t willing or we don’t think it is OK to put ourselves first.
Or just even take care of us after our kids! We seem to just ax ourselves off the list all together or the list is SO long, we never reach US!
But like a blog I read this morning, we need to treat ourselves just like the flight attendants on airlines tell us. Put on YOUR oxygen mask first, before your child’s, that way you are able to aid your child.

I recall my therapist many years ago, telling me that by taking care of my own needs through things like therapy, exercise, positive self talk, that I was setting a good example for my three daughters to follow when they became adults/wives/moms!
Much of this also is the fact we don’t value ourselves. I know in our society we have been raised to be caregivers, be unselfish and put other’s needs first. But it doesn’t work if we are falling apart and also raising children who grow up believing they either need to be taken care of (that is a whole different blog!) or always have to put someone before themselves.
Life is not black and white. It is possible to take care of yourself as well as love your children and partner.
One thing I strongly believe in is don’t do anything for your child (or partner) that they are capable of doing for themselves. That doesn’t mean you can’t make meals for your family or do something nice for them. It means teaching them to take care of themselves is a parent’s main job!!!
We aren’t meant to raise helpless invalids who always need Mommy and Daddy the rest of their lives. Who have to live at home at age 30 or call Dad at ages forty to borrow his credit card when their car breaks down.

My husband and I raised three daughters who had cook nights, did their own laundry, had jobs at age sixteen if they wanted a car, could change the oil and flat tire on said car and grew up to be happy independent women. I am so proud of all three of them.

And I learned to love and take care of my self emotionally, spiritually and physically. I hope my daughters learned to do that also.

Reflections on Life

As I approach my fifty sixth birthday in a few weeks, I have been reflecting some on my life. How it has turned out differently than I expected, not either positively or negatively but just different.
And my expectations/dreams /goals changed as my life played out before me. As a child, I dreamed of becoming a veterinarian, a forest ranger, and owning a dog rescue ranch somewhere in the mountains. Back then there was no practicality in my vision, just dreams. Even in high school, when I had a goal of a college major in English and a future as a writer, I had no insight into how to make it happen. I believe now my low self-esteem and desire to escape my abusive home, led me to make impulsive decisions out of fear.
So my life led me to an early marriage, children, divorce, alcoholism and eventually recovery where I made more practical and realistic decisions for my future to support my children. I became a counselor with financial aid and went down a much different path than I had envisioned as a child.

When I remarried and as a couple we looked to the future, my husband and I didn’t plan on many of the challenges we found in our path to our united destiny. The loss of his family business which we thought had promised financial security, the loss of a child and grieving that loss shocked us both and put a seeming insurmountable chasm in our road.

Amazingly we made it through, raising our children to adulthood successfully and healing our marriage. Many relationships don’t survive the loss of a child as well as financial insecurity. I believe our spiritual life and love/commitment for each other is what saved us.

Chronic illness for me and loss of my full time income were unexpected challenges to both our spiritual and emotional senses as well as my physical health. We have definitely learned the meaning of living in the moment, taking it one day or hour at a time and being grateful for every minute.
In this economic climate, very few couples have the financial security that they had aspired to. So we are grateful to own our home and have no debt even though our retirement savings has dwindled where it has little meaning.

No one knows what the future holds even with the most well laid practical plans so I find solace in my faith and the joy of living just for today. It is all any of us ever have.

What Keeps You Motivated?

I have been in a slump since the holidays ended. Well, to be honest, to us that is just this last week because we had a late celebration with our out of town kids and then our grandkids were here for a few days.
But now that it back to the normal routine, how do I get motivated to be creative, get some exercise and just feel good in general?

One thing I need to do now that we have our schedule back is what I wrote about last week: my regular routine. It may sound boring but my routine grounds me. Every morning I do my daily reading and meditation, my yoga exercises, which open my chakras and I usually, have activities for certain days of the week.
My writing group meets one morning a month, I attend a couple self help groups weekly, get a massage for my fibro every few weeks and have coffee/get together with my close friends who nurture and support me. I also write a gratitude list daily that also seems to keep level and out of depression or self-pity.
I also have a mental /writing exercise I developed while I was a counselor. I published it as one of my first blogs. It nurtures my spirit and makes me feel good. Just reading it feels good.
I need to update that list regularly and read it daily as I always told my clients to do. Practice what I preach!

I am excited for the next few weeks. I was invited to participate in a once a month workshop called Awakening the Muse which sounds very motivating!
And I will be facilitating a workshop myself February sixth on Nurturing your Spirit. Hopefully that will not only motivate me but others as well.

Winter, at least in this climate, can be somewhat depressing with very little sunshine, extreme cold and the three feet of snow we currently have on the ground. So it really helps me to have lots of activities planned to keep me motivated and excited. Writing, reading both fiction and nonfiction that I find stimulating, getting together with friends to talk and share how we’re doing and having art projects planned, helps me to stay up and feeling good.

Spring is always wonderful to look forward to. Making plans for my butterfly and rose garden, looking through garden books and making a design for what I want to change/update also keeps me busy.

If I can’t get outside to walk alittle with the dogs, at least I can do some yoga or dance around to my favorite tunes to keep my body loose and unstressed.
Just being outside to throw some retrieves for my goldens and breathe fresh air keeps the cabin fever away.

If you have any ideas to share that motivate you in the gray winter feel free to comment! I know this time of year serves a purpose. Just as nature needs to rest and replenish so do we. Sometimes we have to get creative and help ourselves.

Dogs and Pavlov Know Best

I would have never thought I was such a creature of habit. I used to be more of a rebel, interested in new things, creative, spontaneous and forward thinking.

But being in the holiday, winter weather (three feet of snow and 30 below wind chill) and husband off work mode has knocked me totally out of balance!
It feels like months since I had the house to myself, time to wake up slowly, savor my coffee before I click into gear and get on with my day. I haven’t felt like “myself” in awhile. Been kind of crabby, out of sorts, just not right.

My husband goes back to his regular work schedule tomorrow after having three consecutive weeks of three- day work weeks. All the holiday company have gone back to their lives, the Christmas decorations and tree have been stored away and college bowl season is also over for another year.
I enjoyed it all but enough is enough. I need my alone time. I need to enjoy my coffee and allow my brain and spirit to awaken from their December static/craziness. My dogs are used to their regular schedule also. They jump up when I awaken, run ahead of me to the kitchen where I feed them then while they make their potty trip outside in the below zero temps, I make the coffee. Then as I sip, read the paper, check my email and Facebook page, I simultaneously throw their toys for them to retrieve. After which, I do my stretching and five Yoga poses that open my chakras while the dogs try to lie on me.
By this time I have some energy and brain cells charging, so we do some clean up (meaning me, the boys watch). Load the dishwasher, vacuum up the dog hair (Gunner has recently experienced an allergic reaction to some new treats and his hair is falling out like crazy) shower (for me) and get on with the day!
Most days involve some outside activity, whether it’s errands, coffee with friends, my writing group or just a romp in the snow for the boys.
Later after a rest or nap, I do some reading, writing , art projects or just watch a movie. In between usually involves some more fetch with Selka and Gunner. Before we know it, time for supper. For them it’s kibble and for us: it depends on to how creative and energetic I feel.

I never thought the Same Old, Same Old could sound so wonderful.

Growing Painfully

I have had a rough last few weeks emotionally and therefore physically due to the stress-related illnesses I am privy to. Coincidentally or not, it has also been the holidays.

So it is now January, my annual self-reflective serenity seeking time of year. I really really need it.

I am feeling sad, depressed, angry with others and myself and probably somewhat in self-pity. This involves many people and several issues I would prefer not to get into publicly on a blog but just so you know: they involve family (several different family issues)and friends and my own sense of self.

When I was younger (say teens, twenties, thirties) I certainly thought that by the time I was in my late (OMG I am going to be 56 in Feb!) fifties, I would be wise, mature and certainly know myself very well and Hey, be close to perfect! Unfortunately, that is far from true.

As sixty gains momentum, I seem to be more sensitive, emotionally wobbly and less sure of who I am and who my friends are. That is not exactly true. I do have a BASIC sense of who I am, both assets and liabilities, and am pretty sure of a small group of people that I know love me and accept me warts and all.

In February, I am scheduled to present a workshop on Nurturing Yourself. Having been a counselor for a long time, I had developed a series of exercises to help women (but it would also work for men, I think) nurture their inner selves and hopefully learn to love themselves as they are. Most of the time, I am pretty good at this myself.


But I seem to have taken a battering over the last few weeks; most of it initially brought on by choices that YOURS TRULY made!
(I am SO lucky my dear spouse does not often say, “I told you so!”)

One of my assets/liabilities is that I have a BIG MOUTH and am also highly opinionated which often gets me into trouble. I end up finding out who exactly disagrees with me and then my feelings are hurt because not everyone likes me! DUH!!! Big Surprise!

So I will be spending the next couple months of below zero temps and several feet of snow, studying, reflecting, learning and hopefully growing into the person I want to be. And practicing what I preach. Therefore also nurturing myself.

And hopefully finding a way to say what I think tactfully, learning to live with the consequences and loving myself enough that when it becomes very evident that some people don’t like or agree with me, I can lick my wounds and go on. Because the truth is: not everyone I meet will like me or agree with me and that’s OK.
I think. As I tell myself: We all are works in progress!